My OH and his kids treat me like 'the help'

[Awoodengarage]

I feel that at home all I'm good for is cooking, cleaning, ferrying the kids around, washing and doing general house stuff. I get little support from my partner but a high expectation of what I need to do as "I'm around more" . I just feel so down.

My step children live with us 4 days a week. When they aren't here I can just about manage but when they arrive I feel so overwhelmed by the extra work and lack of help/support.

My OH is very much the 'fun time' dad. I can count on one hand the amount of times he has disciplined his children. He's all about fu and nothing about boundaries, manners and respect.

I can't remember the last time I felt appreciated or respected by them and him in my own home. His DC don't like me much and that just makes me feel even worse about the situation. They make me feel invisible. At bedtime for example they will say night to everyone apart from me. If I leave to go out to a friends I'll say bye and they will be the only ones not to say anything. If I tell them off and say "can you go to your room and think about what's just happened" they will look at their dad and ask if they have to and he'll say "no, don't worry about it". I am undermined pretty much the whole time they are here. Sometimes if my partner doesn't agree with what I say to them (like I don't think you should be doing that or don't do that please) he will say to me, in front of them. Stop being a bully. I mean Im so far from being a bully.

I know it's not his DCs fault. They are really well behaved kids and thriving at school, but just at home I feel like their dad is letting them down and letting me down. I just wish he'd have my back with them and actually be a good dad rather than their mate and a good partner.

He used to be such an amazing man but over the years his expectations on my role in the home have just become very stereotypical. I feel like a 1950s housewife that juggles so many plates that I daren't stop.

Do you want to stay with him? Does he enhance your life in any way?

Phone a friend, arrange to stay with them for a break, pack a bag and go giving absolutely no notice. Leave a letter for him explaining how you feel, block him on the phone and let them all stew for a time.

I once did this my friend took me back to her home a three hour drive away, had a nice peaceful time. OH did buck his ideas up.

Are you married? Do you own the home?

Like my grandmother always said, "No one can take advantage of you unless you allow it." It's time stand up for yourself.

Just leave. Life is too short.

So what do you get out of this relationship??

Go and stay with a friend when his DC are there. Why are you doing all the drudgework?

Do you have your own dc with this charmer, or not?

Agree with JustAsking - go away. Don't tell him where. Leave him to handle everything.

But you are allowing him to treat you like this! Use your voice to tell him. He and his kids sound bloody awful.

I’m a step mum, it’s not always been easy but it’s not like that. I stepped back from parenting, cleaning, shopping, cooking. If your Dh wants those things there are agencies who will provide the service.

Yes I do love him and I want to be with him. I know deep down he is capable of being a good partner and dad, but I just don't know what to do to make that happen.

He has got so lazy and would quite happily sit on his phone whilst I entertain the kids whilst cooking a Sunday lunch and sorting washing.

I really like the idea of packing up for a night. In fact I might sort something and take my own children with me. I sometimes feel that I'm so overwhelmed with everything I don't really get to enjoy time with my own children.

Have you had a discussion with him when the kids aren't there? Is he so caught up in being fun dad he doesn't realise what an arrogant, unappreciative git he is being & see how his children are treating you? Does he treat you with disrespect when his children are not there?
I would suggest doing nothing for any of them if he doesn't change things after a chat. Unless you get some respect & manners then he can do everything. Don't cook, clean up after them, do any of their washing, pick up or drop off.
You are not an unpaid maid. You are his wife and partner. It's about time you were appreciated.

Are they his kids too ?

You need to have a talk about this - it’s poisoning your relationship

What's the financial situation like, OP? Do you share a mortgage? Are your children also his children?

I would have lost all respect for a man who sat on his phone while I did everything for his own children.

Oh dear. He’s awful. You don’t have to be a certain amount miserable to decide to leave. He’s the primary carer, he has no excuse for being a shit Disney dad.

You sound so downtrodden. I want to hug you and shake you. It’s not your job to his or their skivvy.

Do you what’s keeping you there? Do you have your own income? What’s the situation with your house/flat? It’s good you know it’s wrong and have asked for help here. I suspect it’s far more wrong than you realise.

Imagine life without being made to feel so low and unimportant, without being taken for granted. Undermined and bullied when you try to express reasonable expectations.

Life could be better. You deserve to be happy and feel appreciated.

His DC don't like me much and that just makes me feel even worse about the situation. They make me feel invisible.

You really can't change this. I think it's time to move out.

I think you know that you have a DH problem but you’re also enabling him. Stop doing all the things you do for them and leave it to him. I have to be honest though that if my DH didn’t enforce my DSD being polite to me I wouldn’t see much future in the relationship.

I agree with getting away and having a break from him to assess how you feel.

Why on earth are you looking after his dc? He obviously doesn't respect you, leave him to it. He cooks and cleans for them. Let him sort them out. If they want something from you, they need to learn to ask nicely for it. I'm sure they'll learn far quicker than your dh

Honestly OP why are you with him.
How on earth do ou know he can be a good partner and father when he has shown you the exact opposite.
Why are so so many women deluded like this? It’s baffling. He is a horrible man. A horrible horrible man and if you can’t see that now you never will.
It’s almost pointless offering advice to women like this who believe they caN somehow Change a person who treats them like a skivvy and calls them a bully.

Why don’t you stand up for yourself and stop cooking for them? Or stop cleaning.
Stop doing anything quite frankly.
LTB obviously but you won’t.

I think what it is with these men is that they are nice as pie when the woman does all the cooking, all the housework, all the driving around, all the wife-work, buys all the presents for the family (out of her own money), puts up with the fact nobody in his family speaks to her, works full-time AND when he wants sex. Then he's all nicey-nicey and she thinks, "This is the TRUE man! This man loves me!"

I think you should make it clear exactly how his making you feel in your own house & tell him if xyz doesn't change then when YOU have YOUR kids YOU will need to find somewhere else to stay for those 4 days, seen as YOU have no respect for me.

He's your OH?

Time he shaped up or shipped out. He should be enforcing minimum standards of behaviour towards you from his children, not leading by example. Things need to change!

Whose house is it? How easy or hard would it be to leave if he refuses to start pulling his weight

Thank you for your comments.

We are not married and I have my own money, but we have our joint home.

We have one joint child - conceived at a good point in our relationship!

I do know that deep down he could be the man I want as I know he is capable of the things I need him to do. He has had to do them like when I went on a girls holiday, when Ive been ill etc. IT's just at the moment he chooses not to as if his needs are above mine.

Honestly though if I felt he had my back with the kids and encouraged them to treat me with respect and made them realise that they cant treat me as they do; along with showing me appreciation and gratitude for what I do in the home I know I'd feel so much better about things.

I do know that deep down he could be the man I want as I know he is capable of the things I need him to do. He has had to do them like when I went on a girls holiday, when Ive been ill etc. IT's just at the moment he chooses not to as if his needs are above mine.

That makes it almost worst as he's choosing to act this way. Just stop doing things for him and his dc when they come to you. If they can't be respectful then they don't deserve your time

Seriously you need to sit him down for a conversation about this. Make it clear that unless he takes responsibility for his kids your relationship is at stake. You can't carry on like this.