Baby loss - how do I parent step-kids at home

[longcoffee]

TRIGGER WARNING

I lost my baby girl a week ago today at nearly 22 weeks. I’m not sure whether this should be in step-parenting, pregnancy, or somewhere else. I’m sorry if I’ve got it totally wrong, but I'm panicking about parenting my stepdaughters through my grief. I’m just looking for some help to make it better for us all.

We had major complications, followed by a traumatic birth resulting in emergency surgery and major blood loss. It’s taking a while to physically heal, but as the physical pain eases every day, the mental trauma gets worse.

Have barely been able to function today, which I was expecting, and the news (and pictures) of Chrissy Teigan and John legend’s awful news has given me my first ever panic attacks. We were at the same stage of pregnancy and I keep imagining that mid term loss will be a ‘hot topic’ on every news feed, tv programme etc now.

My wonderful DH has been absolutely incredible, kept me going through this and dealt with everything from food to washing my hair. But there is one element he can’t guide me through. his two daughters live with us and I’m really struggling having to parent (we are their sole carers, no involvement with mum) and even getting the basics done - snacks for school, evening reading etc is pushing me to breaking point. He obviously is doing the majority, but they are still turning to me for comfort and to help get them through this, as they usually would, and I can’t seem to step into ‘mum mode’ when all I can focus on is the loss of my daughter. I’ve never treated them as anything other than my own, and love them fiercely, but in my heart of hearts there’s now a divide.

Will this get easier? I have never known love like it when I held her for the first time, and I am beating myself up that I can’t function for my girls at home. It’s not their fault, and I feel awful that I can’t give them the love and support they need.

Sorry that this is so rambling, I'm struggling to make sense of it myself tbh!

Hello, I didn’t want to read and run. I’m afraid I can’t help as I am not a step parent. But just sending a hand hold and sympathy until someone wiser comes along.
I’m so sorry at about your daughter. Do you want to talk about her?

I'm not a step parent, but I delivered my baby girl at 16 weeks last year. I'm so sorry. I can completely understand your dilemma of wanting to be there for your girls, but please be easy on yourself - you need time to grieve. It's only been a week and things are still so raw for you.

Things will become easier over time. But don't feel guilty for taking time for yourself to come to terms with what has happened

Oh my gosh, how heartbreaking for you. I'm so sorry you've lost your daughter.

Is there anyone else who can be with you while DH is unable to? Parents, good friends, siblings etc?

I don't imagine another person in the house will stop the girls from wanting your attention, but it might reduce it. And you can go for a nap or bath while knowing someone is cuddling or playing with your SDs

Sending prayers to you.

Want to send you so much love at this difficult time. I can't relate to what you are going through but wanted to say that you are truly amazing and I am sure even through your most difficult time the girls feel loved. Talk, laugh, cry and do not bottle anything up, take time out if you need to. Please dont expect too much from yourself because I guarantee all the girls and your husband want is to support you with whatever emotion you go through at any one time

So sorry for your loss. Are the girls old enough for you to have a somewhat honest chat with them? Just to say that you're very sad right now and you just need some time to focus on yourself? Explain that it might take you some time to get back to normal.

It’s ok to need space, even from your step-DD’s. Would it help to go stay somewhere else for a week or two? A little time to let yourself feel what you need to feel.

Thank you all for your replies.

Immediately afterwards, the girls were with my dad/stepmum and my mum was here for a few days, looking after us all, doing the school runs etc.

There's been an awful lot of upheaval this year (a whole different thread) so whilst they are very close to my family, they are both emotionally very reliant on my DH and I. We bought them home as soon as we could so as to keep life as 'normal' as possible for them. We're usually able to cope with the chaos, but obviously at the moment we're both pretty useless (well, I am) and it's just so hard to keep the balance.

I could go to my mums, but don't want to be too far from DH. Sounds really needy, but I was dispatched to my dads the other day whilst he blitzed to pick up the shopping and totally broke down - I just need him near me. It's such a strange feeling, I'm normally so independent!

And the girls are 9 and 15. Old enough to understand, and talk to.

The 9yo is great, the tricky bit with her is coping with the normal day to day. I was beside myself that she had to take an orange to school rather than the preferred banana yesterday. She wasn't bothered, but I was in bits 😖

The 15yo is ignoring her emotions, and being a twat of a teenager - which is adding pressure. It's obvious (to us) that she's being an arse because she's confused and upset, but think it'll take her a while to process it.

You are not needy or useless you have feelings, you have been through so so much that I cannot even comprehend. Please be kinder to yourself and think of yourself more. The girls need to know they have people to talk to and you need space with your husband to grieve and comfort each other. Take as much help as you can to ensure you have that balance Xxxxxx

My husband struggled with this after we lost our baby half way through pregnancy. I found comfort in the kids (mine from my first marriage) yet he needed time out to adjust and grieve differently.

Go easy on yourself op. Don't be afraid to step away when you need to.

A piece of advice I was given at the time was to keep putting one foot in front of the other in the best way I could. And to have faith that I would smile again.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

My heart goes out to you, take time to look after yourself and please don't put pressure on yourself. The fact you are feeling this way and worrying just shows how much you love them.

I think it's amazing you have such a strong support system in place and your DSDs will benefit from that ten-fold. I personally think their dad could explain that you're just within yourself a bit for your grieving so they know it's your healing phase, and not a reflection on them. I really hope you soon find a way to seek comfort from them and having them in your life, which is just as likely an outcome as anything else.

Nobody can say how you will feel in a month, year, 5 years, but be kind to yourself. xx

Just wanted to say I'm sorry and honestly bless your soul for even thinking about other people at this time.
I'm sending you lots of love and compassion and praying you're gonna go through it! God bless!

I'm so sorry for your loss. I echo what other posters have said, take some time for yourself and don't feel bad about it. They are old enough for their father to explain to them that you need some space to grieve. The physical side alone is enough of a reason. I'd also recommend avoiding celebrity news sites/programmes for a while, it does seem to be a very hot topic today.

So sorry for your loss op. Are you having a small memorial? Planting a tree at home? A joint focus may help you feel more in this together...

@Amanda87

Just wanted to say I'm sorry and honestly bless your soul for even thinking about other people at this time. I'm sending you lots of love and compassion and praying you're gonna go through it! God bless!

This is spot on.

I’m so sorry to hear of your deeply traumatic loss. What a wonderful parent you are to think of the girls while dealing with such grief. Trust in the people around you - it sounds as though you have built a family that can carry you for a while. Even the girls are old enough to lift some of the weight for a bit.

Wishing you strength and healing.

Hi,

My son was stillborn at 39 weeks last year. I was so worried and scared at how I was going to continue to step-parent. I remember it broke my heart.

What I can say is that it got easier for me. I will always say that communication is so important. Me and my husband kept talking and still do, about anything that could be bothering us, any flashbacks we were/are having and any recurring thoughts. I make sure to tell my stepson that I'm feeling sad about what happened so that he knows that if I'm ever worked up or upset that he knows it isnt his fault. He has been absolutely fantastic, he talks about his own feelings and talks about his little brother all the time. We made sure to talk to school about what had happened and they were great at keeping an extra eye on him and are now back on it as we are approaching the arrival of our little rainbow.

I know it wont feel like it at times right now but things will start to feel easier. The grief never goes away but we learn how to live with it better.

Sending so much love

I am so sorry for your loss. I am not best placed to advise on how best to comfort your stepdaughters whilst coping with your own grief, but be gentle on yourselves. Take each day as it comes. and love to you and everyone else who has experienced this.

I'm so sorry for your loss @longcoffee I lost my son at the same stage in 2016.
My ds was 6 at the time and my Dss 8.

I don't remember much about the early days - I do remember doing the school run in some kind of surreal haze, wanted to lie in the dark and cry but having to be a functioning parent to my son.

My advice to you would be - don't hide your grief from them, show them it's ok to cry, to be sad, to acknowledge this terrible thing has happened. You don't have to be perfect, you don't even have to be that great, you just have to get through the days, one day at a time. If they eat fish fingers every night and have jam sandwiches for packed lunch; so what?!

Talk to their schools, see if they can have age appropriate support at school.
Also, if you haven't already, speak to Sands, contact your local group or call the helpline.

And be gentle on yourself

I suspect you may have just come face to face with the fact that your DSDs are not your own and you don’t love them the same way you loved your own little one.

That’s hard when your own child isn’t here anymore and you have all the love and feel like you can’t direct it to the right place.
My DS2 was stillborn at 34 weeks in June and I have a DSD who is & DS1 is 1. It’s been tough and I’m still trying to find my way through it all myself.
My best comfort has been to find ways to make DS2s space in the family. His Christmas stocking arrived today - personalised with the words “Gifts from DS2” and so DS2 will be giving some little gifts to his brother and sister. He’s temping at the North Pole as a seasonal worker helping the elf’s. And who’s to say he’s isn’t? The universe is his oyster.
That’s just one way I’m choosing to do it, but I do think it’s important for you to feel like your baby girl has her place in the family that she was always meant to have. Not just as your daughter but as their baby sister too, and so, so precious to you all.

DSD is 8

I’m so sorry for your loss, @longcoffee.

Have you been in contact with Sands? They can offer support and advice.

www.sands.org.uk/support-you

Be kind to yourself. It’s one of those airline air mask situations: you need to put your own mask on before you can help others. Let the grandparents step in as much as necessary so you can take the time you need to feel you can support your DSDs. Don’t rush yourself or feel bad about doing so.

Again so sorry for your loss but also you are still parenting them because you are worried about them and how your loss is impacting on them despite this.

I have never lost a child and in no way want you to think that I am comparing losing a parent to a child but when I lost my mom very suddenly (coming up to two years ago), things I remember are, some days are just about still breathing through the day. I could not concentrate on any tasks that required concentration - so could make a coffee but cried when I couldn't tell the chip shop what I wanted. I didn't want people looking at me or talking to me but I couldn't get my head around how everybody else just carried on as normal.

My son, who was so close to his Grandma, actually didn't seem that bothered (clearly he was but I think he was worried that if he tried to engage with me I would brake down) but my SD was amazing and even now will message me when she knows there is a trigger event happening and she will sit and chat happily to me about my mom and that helps.

If you can do it talk about your baby girl let them see that grief is a part of life and being able to grieve is a right we all have.

Don't feel as if you have to do anything other than just be. Sometimes that is all you can do and really that is enough. It is far more important that you allow yourself to just be than try to force yourself or put pressure on yourself to get things right and make life normal for them - it isn't and it can't be and for now that is ok.

Herschels ball and box analogy is very good way of describing grief and may be a way of explaining to the 9 and 15 year olds and then when you have days that are worse than others you can ue the ball analogy.

My heart goes out to you and your family