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Original poster

Christmas... Already!

62 replies

Doyoumindifislytherin · 01/10/2020 08:21

Need advise how to tackle this. DP was expecting to have SC over christmas this year. Particularly as he hasn't seen them on Christmas day for a few years because they have spent it with their DM.

Children are young and the magic of christmas is still very much alive and obviously DP has been upset about missing out on christmas morning etc.

This year SC DM is working until late on christmas eve and has asked us to have the children. DP agreed and stated we would keep them over night and return them Christmas day late afternoon so that we can spend the day with them.
SC DM has refused and is expecting DP to keep them till late Christmas eve, and then return them home over 30 miles away when she gets in from work. She won't budge on this.

DP is livid. Hes tried appealing to her better nature. How its disruptive for the children, they should really take it in turns with christmas etc etc but ex is adamant that the SC will never wake up christmas morning with their father.

DP is now thinking along the lines of just keeping them and to hell with her... but obviously this isn't a great idea and will cause a whole heap of issues....

Just looking for advice on how to resolve the issue amicably... any ideas?

OP posts:
Lollypop701 · 01/10/2020 12:54

Ex is being selfish , but your dh is enabling her. So he either continues enabling her for his oh so easy life (and stops moaning) or grows a pair tells hers no and prepares to go to court. Although his ex will suffer too as childcare will disappear, not sure I know anyone who would offer childcare till 9pm Christmas Eve and then drop them back and put to bed. Neither is perfect option so you have to decide which is best for you

Pringlemonster · 01/10/2020 12:57

This brings back memories
Both parents arguing over who I spend Christmas Day with.
,just wished they would sort their shit out because I hated being stuck in their arguments .
Plus I just wanted to wake up on Christmas morning in my own bed ,both parents did Christmas differently,so some years Father Christmas brought me a stocking of gifts ,other years he didn’t..
It was never about what I wanted ...always about being fair to them that they both got their rightful time with me
This was birthdays ,Boxing Day ,Easter ...I got that I dreaded it all as I knew they would argue.
Don’t see much of either them as an adult

foxyroxyyy · 01/10/2020 13:05

Based on how she's behaving now, he's nuts if he thinks she'll be any sort of reasonable when it comes to finances. She obviously despises him and will almost certainly take everything she can in the settlement- and in fairness why shouldn't she take what she's entitled too.

I guess you'll just have to plan it around yourself and your kids so the day isn't ruined.

Or give her her options. I think they are probably these

  1. She picks them up
  2. They stay with you for Xmas
  3. They don't come full stop
  4. They go home at your convenience during the holidays
Original poster
Doyoumindifislytherin · 01/10/2020 13:15

@Pringlemonster Gosh that's awful and I'm so sorry your experience was so bad.

I like to think the the dsc know nothing of the arguments. It's a little different for us because the DM works over christmas and expects us to "babysit"the children and chase around after her to ensure that she can have the "magical christmas" morning. If it was a case of her having them in the run up to christmas and us collecting In the evening of christmas day and keeping with is for a few days after, it really wouldn't be an issue. But she expects us to cancel any christmas type plans in order to provide childcare for the DC and to accomadate her perfect christmas resulting in a shit one for us.

There just isn't any give and take... we MUST have them whist she is at work. we MUST drive a 60 mile round trip on xmas eve to return them to their beds at "home" before she finishes work. We MUST collect them xmas day at a time she confirms, that is likely to change numerous times throughout the day and we MUST keep them NYE so she can go out and we MUST return them NYD so she can have a family new year meal with them.

Like I said I usually stay out of this type of thing but it's actually affecting me and my own DC and making christmas a whole lot of stress

OP posts:
daisyjgrey · 01/10/2020 13:24

we MUST have them whist she is at work. we MUST drive a 60 mile round trip on xmas eve to return them to their beds at "home" before she finishes work. We MUST collect them xmas day at a time she confirms, that is likely to change numerous times throughout the day and we MUST keep them NYE so she can go out and we MUST return them NYD so she can have a family new year meal with them

She can fuck right off. I'm a mum and a step mum and my step children's mum is of a similar ilk to what you're dealing with, she thinks her children's dad is only there to pay her money and facilitate her schedule. The only way she doesn't get away with it is because my partner doesn't let her.

The "I don't want to rock the boat" is rubbish, the amount of men who are willing to upset their families lives (and their partner) just so their ex can get their own way is baffling.

aSofaNearYou · 01/10/2020 13:26

Whilst I do think it sounds like this situation is unfair on your DP as well and there should be a better division of the Christmas/New Year period, why does it affect you and your DC so much? You surely don't all drive them home and cancel your plans etc?

Gardengoddess · 01/10/2020 14:08

@aSofaNearYou how would it not affect her and dc when partner is running around to please ex? Do resident children just get left with the crumbs at christmas

MeridianB · 01/10/2020 15:00

She sounds very selfish and I agree with others that he is letting her get away with it all year so may struggle to get her to see sense now. Can they not get alternate Christmases and joint birthdays agreed as part of the divorce settlement?

If they go back on Christmas Eve then presumably he gets the on Boxing Day and overnight? I agree with the comments about two Christmases - not ideal but can be made special.

Who moved 30 miles away? They are usually the ones who do most of the running around. But generally there is compromise and mutual support.

I think you should put yourself and your DC first and plan the Christmas you want, not one dictated at the last moment by a bitter ex wife.

Original poster
Doyoumindifislytherin · 01/10/2020 15:04

Funnily enough my "Plans"usually involve my DP being present over christmas and enjoying the festivities together, not him doing 240 miles over 2 days just to get the scraps of time left with his DC. not to mention I also have to make arrangements with my exp which wont run along side SC DM schedule.

I agree with pp though. DP needs to grow a pair and give the following options.
1 She collects DC after shes finished work and takes them home at 10pm at night and not getting them home till.midnight.
2 she leaves them with us and we drop off after Christmas lunch.
3 she gets someone else to ' babysit"
4 she changes her shift and has them and we collect CD night for us to have christmas the next day.

Followed with a Court order for future years.

I used to.love christmas.... now its just a bloody nightmare lol

OP posts:
Original poster
Doyoumindifislytherin · 01/10/2020 15:08

I don't understand the bitterness. Surely it's best for the DC to alternate.

I just don't get woman who claim sole responsibility for children when they have another just as involved parent.

OP posts:
Gardengoddess · 01/10/2020 15:15

Good for your, dont let his ex spoil christmas for you and your dc, you don't want your dc growing up to have felt that christmas was all about sc and a load of upheaval rather than a relaxed happy time

aSofaNearYou · 01/10/2020 15:23

how would it not affect her and dc when partner is running around to please ex? Do resident children just get left with the crumbs at christmas

You're barking up the tree if you think that's what I think! I meant that surely they don't all go together to drop them off on Christmas Eve, or have to cancel all their friends. Her DP should be dealing with these things if he isn't willing to rock the boat.

Bibidy · 01/10/2020 15:25

OMG the comments on this board are so horrible and blinkered sometimes.

Would anyone say to the girlfriend/wife in a "first" family "Why does it matter if your husband is running around everywhere on Christmas day? How does that even impact you and your kids?" Of course it impacts OP if her partner is having to run around doing 60 mile round trips all throughout the Christmas period to suit his ex's schedule.

Ex is completely unreasonable to think that she has the right to demand she always has the children on Christmas morning. Your DP has the exact same rights as she does. Why should the kids never get a Christmas Eve/morning with their dad?

Unfortunately when deadline with someone like this, the only way is a court order.

Bibidy · 01/10/2020 15:28

I said she should share but IF he cheated & left her I could understand her not wanting to especially IF you were the OW.

IF

Fabulous that you're happy to share Christmas with your cheating Ex, but I do understand women who don't want to miss out on things with their children because a cheating twat has buggered off with someone else. Especially if the children aren't bothered or would rather not go.

Understandable not to want to, but absolutely not understandable to let those feelings take over and demand that the children never get Christmas morning with their dad.

Notcrackersyet · 01/10/2020 15:43

Court order OP for everyone’s sanity. Goodbye flexibility but hello predictability and fairness

aSofaNearYou · 01/10/2020 15:44

Would anyone say to a girlfriend/wife in a "first" family "Why does it matter if your husband is running around everywhere on Christmas day? How does that even impact you and your kids

I don't think anyone is saying that? If you mean my comment that is very much out of context- I am on OPs side and am part of a "second family" myself so I am in no way inclined to think the way you have described. I understand the impact it will have on OP for her partner to be pulled away constantly during this period, I was just questioning her use of "we" when describing her partner going to collect them/drop them off/cancel plans, and hoping they don't all have to do that together.

Bluebell878275 · 01/10/2020 17:09

Honestly, she sounds so similar to my Husband's ex. The only thing that helped in the end was going to a solicitor. We didn't go as far as a court order, the two letters from the solicitor stating what was fair and what contact was expected seemed to shock her enough into 'behaving'. She was still verbally abusive and is a nasty piece of work, but certainly the disruption to us just trying to have a normal family life lessened.

Magda72 · 01/10/2020 19:11

@Doyoumindifislytherin having read your last few posts I too would agree it's not an amicable relationship at all. It only seems that way as your dp is doing exactly what she wants. If he continues to choose the path of least resistance with her then he really needs to suck it up & get on with It & stop giving out about it.
Regarding Christmas and your dc in your shoes I would just arrange my Christmas the way I want it for my dc, then explain to dp that this is how I will be doing Christmas this year & that I am not prepared to let his ex ruin Christmas for my dc.
Honestly it's so frustrating how resident dc's are supposed to put up with all sorts of upheavals because of their stepparents' issues with their exes.

Giespeace · 01/10/2020 22:57

What does your DP say about the options you proposed OP?
I understand why he’s inclined to just keep them. It’s sort of like court order logic - in theory he just has to make the kids available to their mother and see if she comes to collect them. If she can’t be bothered to come and get them then that’s on her and she misses Christmas morning for once, she can’t make him do the drive.
Or if she can’t arrange alternative childcare that’s her problem, she will have to cancel her shift. If that means she has less money - also her problem.
Her biggest problem is her attitude I’d say. What’s a selfish cow. She can’t have everything all her own way all the time to the detriment of everyone else.

BeingLonely · 01/10/2020 23:04

I would take them as normal then refuse to return them on Christmas Eve. If she calls simply say they’re sleeping, if she wants to come all that way then she can. I would also be dropping them off on the 29h and letting her have then for New Years.

I can’t stand people who can’t behave properly and allow the kid’s to have the best of both worlds.

RandomMess · 01/10/2020 23:11

Well you have a DP problem because he panders to his ex...

Perhaps he should get mediation booked so a court order can be sorted. Sounds like Christmas and New Year need to be alternated so you get some quality festive time without all the driving here there and everywhere.

Gardengoddess · 02/10/2020 07:19

@aSofaNearYou I get what you are saying and sorry for misinterpreting, dp does need to grow a back bone in this instance

Original poster
Doyoumindifislytherin · 02/10/2020 11:14

Well me and DP talked until the cows came home and hes still adamant that he is keeping them and to hell with her and he will deal with the fall out after.

It's his decision and his kids so I'm happy with whatever he decides to do.

It'll certainly rock the boat between them but that's his issue and not mine.

I have suggested he talks to.the kids nearer the time and ask them what they want to do.... will see what happens!

OP posts:
Giespeace · 02/10/2020 13:27

Just be mindful that the kids might end up victims of a bit of emotional blackmail, and may just say whatever the parent asking the question wants to hear. It’s so difficult being caught in the middle.
We had this with DSD a few years back. Her mother only wanted DH to cover exactly the amount of childcare that suited her, not a minute longer. Poor DSD was in all sorts of knots by the time we collected her, worried that poor mummy would be so sad without her blah blah blah. DH has never had DSD for Christmas in the 7 years since they split. It’s a “magical family time” apparently and he doesn’t count as DSDs family Hmm

Magda72 · 02/10/2020 13:49

@Doyoumindifislytherin - I actually think that's a really bad idea. I fully appreciate that the ex is being selfish & unreasonable but the way to 'correctly' rock the boat is to go to court & get everything sorted to protect the kids.
For a man who says he doesn't want to rock the boat holding on to them on Christmas Eve has the potential to blow up massively & the ones who will be caught right in the middle will be his poor kids who are being used as pawns by both parents to score points.