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Original poster

Moving in Together

16 replies

cosmicbabe · 30/09/2020 21:50

Me and my partner have been together about 2.5 years... Plan on moving in together next year. We both have one child each (7 and 10 years old). Mine is full time, his is EOW.

Do you think it's best to tell them our plans or surprise them with the new house when it completes?

The complicated thing I have is that my ex is a Narc and when he finds out about this (even though he's living with the OW he left us for) he is going to lose the plot and make things very difficult...

Thanks, any advice would be great x

OP posts:
AllsortsofAwkward · 30/09/2020 22:52

You must be joking, you don't suprise them, 2.5 years is no time to be blending families by moving in, this should be handled with care.

COS2102 · 01/10/2020 08:07

Definitely don't surprise them. I can't see any benefits to that...

Also, you say your child is with you fulltime so how would your ex have any impact on what is going on?

lunar1 · 01/10/2020 09:23

Read everything you can find on blending families and moving in together. Thinking that this could be a good idea in any way suggests you are probably at the beginning of the thought process and need to look at all the pitfalls.

There is no way on earth this should be sprung on children.

Sleepingdogs12 · 01/10/2020 09:34

This would usually take time and preparation to ensure the children are ok with this , is the idea of surprising them a joke?

Original poster
cosmicbabe · 01/10/2020 10:14

Ok thanks for the replies. Appreciate the element of surprise might not be the best. We're 6 months away from this so yes this is the start of my thoughts.

The reason my Ex would be involved is because he's a control freak and I'm 99% certain when he finds out, as he said no other man will be bringing up his son (even though he left as he didn't want children) he will make things awkward and horrible and by the time we actually all move in together he will have made out to his son it's the worst decision ever.... I want this to be an exciting adventure and the next step in our lives ect.

But I actually asked my son today how he would feel moving into a new house and my partner and his child living (child EOW) with us and he was really happy about it. So I've set the seed now. I'll also have a read on blended families.

Thanks for the advice.

OP posts:
Original poster
cosmicbabe · 01/10/2020 10:17

Btw EOW I mean every other weekend so actually only 4 nights a month.

OP posts:
COS2102 · 01/10/2020 11:31

How often does your ex see your son? I'm still confused, sorry.

As long as you are open with your son about the move and discuss things with him then he should feel comfortable to discuss with you anything that his Dad might say to make it have a negative outlook. I think the more your child feels involved in what is going on then the more confident he will feel in your decisions

Original poster
cosmicbabe · 01/10/2020 11:42

@COS2102

How often does your ex see your son? I'm still confused, sorry.

As long as you are open with your son about the move and discuss things with him then he should feel comfortable to discuss with you anything that his Dad might say to make it have a negative outlook. I think the more your child feels involved in what is going on then the more confident he will feel in your decisions

My ex sees my son every other weekend Friday to Sundays x
OP posts:
COS2102 · 01/10/2020 12:40

I was really confused for a while
....I blame baby brain!

As much as your ex might want to kick up a fuss, there's really nothing that he can do about it and if you're son already sounds positive about the move then you feed on that and you'll notice if your ex has said something to your son because he will change but I think you and your son will be able to work out out together because his natural reaction is to be positive about the move. Good luck!

HolyForkinShirt · 01/10/2020 13:02

If you have you DC full time, how will your ex find out anyway? Does his dad not see him atall. If that's the case his opinion is irrelevant.

Please think really carefully if making this step is right. You haven't been together for a great deal of time. Do not surprise them, that's a terrible idea!

HolyForkinShirt · 01/10/2020 13:03

Sorry. Ignore me, just read your updates about ex having eow

movingonup20 · 01/10/2020 13:10

You need to sit the kids down separately and say you want to build towards this - it seems this step you have already taken then when both the kids are together talk about looking at houses and that they can choose to paint their rooms etc - really including them in the process just like parents who are together do. Don't present it as a choice, more a process which they participate in and how fun it will be for them. I take it they know each other well?

movingonup20 · 01/10/2020 13:11

We introduced our DD's very early on (they are older so at university) and now they are building a relationship which is so important rather than us imposing it on them

GrumpyHoonMain · 01/10/2020 13:12

Honestly I would, at the same time as telling him of this arrangement, be making it clear to your son that if he ever feels uncomfortable or hurt by any of his dad’s comments that it’s ok to not go and see him.

MeridianB · 01/10/2020 15:12

Agree that you don’t surprise the children. And as well as the serious groundwork needed for a move like this, there are so many positives around them looking forward to it, choosing decor etc.

Agree with @GrumpyHoonMain about reassuring your son ahead of telling his father. How sad that he has to have contact with someone so toxic.

Original poster
cosmicbabe · 05/10/2020 09:24

So having only mentioned the idea of all of us living together with my son, he's been with his dad this weekend and has come home stating he wants to live with his dad and that my partner will never be his dad. How the schools are better and the teachers nicer where his father lives. I knew this would happen. I pulled my ex up on this and he said he didn't say anything of the sort to our son. Lies...

I'm going to have a proper chat with my son later

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