To take a step back?

[CherryTurnOver]

I recently started to feel like I was being more of a parent to my DSC when they were here than my husband was in terms of practical care. I.e. all meals made by me, they'd come to me if they were bored or hungry or for anything else, I'd be the one to remind them to brush teeth, I was doing the school run in the mornings, making their packed lunches for school, being the one having to think if we had enough in for said packed lunches etc... my husband spends time with them, they have fun etc... But we just slipped into this situation where the drudgery was just being done by me.

I want to put the breaks on this now. I booked the day off the other week after working full pelt recently and really needed some time to go and do something for myself. I could tell that for ages DH was angling for me to go and pick the kids up from school because I was off, dropping hints etc... (He's self employed and works 2 minutes away).

Usually I'd say yes but this time I just thought no. I've been doing the school runs in the morning despite needing to be in work myself for 9am and actually having a boss who can collar me for being late unlike DH and have been a few mins late a couple of times now due to this.

I've also started leaving things like packed lunches for DH to do and stopped reminding him that he needs to go and get something from the shop for it etc... So he'll end up having to go out at 9pm some days to get some fruit to go with it for example.

AIBU? I was becoming resentful that I was starting to feel like the parent with sole responsibility at our house for everything despite them not actually being my children.

I don't mind helping out but it was getting to the point where if I didn't make lunches for example, they just wouldn't be done because it was just expected I would do it.

I've realised I don't really want to be a full on parent, I want to support my DH and help when needed but I don't want to take on the majority of parenting.

I feel like I have to have an excuse if I want to have a day off that doesn't involve doing all childcare / school drop offs and pick ups.

Your husband is really selfish. OP. It's amazing how he doesn't feel bad for making do his work and doesn't even care that you want to take time off! Even if you were the mother, you would be resentful for doing everything yourself (and children typically don't appreciate these things, they like fun, so when they grow up, they might not even be close to you and it sucks putting all these efforts for nothing).
Me and my DP also work from home and usually it's assumed that we are more flexible, so I don't even know what's his excuse for not doing school runs!

I was also doing most of the care for SD in our house when she was young, but it was at the same time as my own son. But when I saw lack of appreciation, not only on my DP's side, but also on her side as she became a teenager, I stopped. Honestly, she barely talks to me unless she's with us, barely congradulates me with my bday, etc. so these years when I took care of her didn't mean anything at all.

I think it would be better than you have an honest talk with your husband as in your case, he's massively taking you for granted. What you want is a change in the attitude and hints are not enough in this case.
Think about yourself as resentment will not be good for your relationship and he should understand this too.

More SMs should do this, instead of doing the donkey work with SC.

I think it shows if they leave you doing all this parenting work and they aren't your kids, imagine how all the parenting would have been left for their Ex to do...

@SandyY2K

More SMs should do this, instead of doing the donkey work with SC.

I think it shows if they leave you doing all this parenting work and they aren't your kids, imagine how all the parenting would have been left for their Ex to do...

Oh absolutely. Some of them imagine they did (and do) much more than they did (and do). Foolishly some of us (including me) believe them at first.

I recently got very annoyed with DP as he tried to entirely blame his ex for some pretty ingrained behaviour problems in his DC (since well before I met him). But it’s equally his fault. He tried to claim that he was ‘busy earning all the money’ 🙄 so he just left his ex to it, even though he totally disagreed with what she was doing. And also that I ‘don’t know what it was like to live with [his ex]’, as if that prevented him from doing what he felt was right for his DC.

The fact is he was too lazy to do anything about it and chose not to take any responsibility for it. He still tries to, by blaming his ex and claiming he can do nothing about what happens at her house. That might be true, but HE is responsible for what happens at our house and he can do the hard work to improve the behaviour. Children are very good at adapting to different rules and expectations in different settings (DSD would never behave at school like she does at home).

It’s certainly not my job to do it though. I’m happy to support him in having consistent boundaries and consequences if he is willing to put them in place. But I’m not their parent, so I don’t need to do the parenting.

I will remove myself and my children from the situation if he doesn’t step up and parent. But it’s not my responsibility or my place to do it for him.

I agree with everything being said but I also think this is a pretty complex issue.
Threads like this highlight sm's doing the donkey work & dad's slacking off. They also highlight exes also being left with the majority childcare & while I agree this happens - I also think that we as women let it happen. I'm not blaming us, I'm just saying that we're so conditioned into assuming we should/need to do everything domestically that we let men off the hook without realising it; we chose to sideline careers to look after small kids & then wonder where those careers are gone when said smallies turn into older kids who don't need us so much but who will happily let us taxi/laundry/etc. for them. It took me YEARS to wake up to this & I consider myself modern & progressive! For years I just assimilated the crap that society spews at us re kids needing their mums, dads income/career being more important than mums, that once a mum you had to serve everyone else for the good of the family, blah, blah, blah.
I honestly feel that until we down tools and stop self sacrificing at every turn (be we dms or sms) we are at nothing - what man wouldn't step back from parenting if someone else would take up the slack? I know I would. We also need equal pay & equal parental leaves & proper childcare subsidies.
To that end I have never treated my children differently with regards to domestic stuff & boy have I drilled so much anti domestic sentiment into my daughter that she's a right Gloria Steinem .
WE stop this by stopping ourselves, getting selfish & teaching proper equality to our kids.
Rant over lol.

@Magda72 You are absolutely right.

I have definitely contributed a great deal to letting both DP and exP get out of so much of the domestic drudgery.

Spot on Magda. It's why I keep banging on relentlessly on other threads about how it's unfair to compare step mums with step dads because societal expectations of women are still so different.

I was keen to make a good impression regarding my DSCs so I volunteered to plan and cook the family meals. Since there are 4 of them all with differing dietary requirements/preferences it was a lot of work especially as they were with us almost 50/50. Gradually I was doing more and more other stuff because we were unwittingly settling into replicating a nuclear family set-up with me filling the mum-shaped gap and taking on a fair share of child related chores. It took us a while to realise that my "fair" share was actually zero!! Not that I stopped helping but it was finally acknowledged that anything I did relating to my DSCs was actually a favour and recognised as such.

@WooMawang
Oh absolutely. Some of them imagine they did (and do) much more than they did (and do).

I think this applies to a lot of men. My DH thinks he did a lot more with our DC when they were younger.

It came up once in an argument, as he wanted more DC and I said absolutely not, one reason being he wasn't as hands on as I wanted him to be in parenting in the very early years.

His recollection is he did everything possible, bar breastfeeding which he couldn't do of course. I told him he must be having both hallucinations and amnesia if that was his recollection.

I would never have let him get away not doing a certain amount of parenting and would go away on ladies weekends, so he had to do everything....that was my own kids...so there's no chance I'd allow myself to be lumbered with running around for SC...their dad would have to do it.

@Magda72
I also think that we as women let it happen.

True.....Society has a large part to play and women often put a lot of pressure on themselves.

I would also add that a lot of women do a lot in the initial stages with their SC to impress the man.

Then it becomes difficult to stop when they realise it's all on them....and the dad once again gets to slack off as a parent.

I think the younger generation of women will not tolerate the idea of women doing all the domestic drudgery.

If you model a way of doing things, then your DC will see that as normal.

My DH said his DM did xyz and it wasn't a problem for her....I told him times have changed and he shouldn't have such expectations of me because I wouldn't be doing that.

I think it's very concerning you've been jeopardising your relationship with your boss when your DH can manage is own work diary.

You need to stop that immediately, childcare arrangements affect women in work across the country and we are penalised for it in regards to opportunities and promotions and this shouldnnt affect you when shes not your responsibility.

What happens when shes sick, do you collect her and have the day off?

Sooooo many men like this.

Basically they draft in a surrogate 'mum machine' asap... then it's business as usual with them putting themselves, their work, their interests and their rest time first, second, third. Because Woman will do the shitwork. 'Oh what, there's a World's Greatest Parent prize being handed out? Let me just elbow you out of the way, Woman Who Does It All in My House! They're my kids don't you know!'

Drop the rope. And if the selfish little misogynist doesn't step up, drop him.

@FizzyGreenWater

Sooooo many men like this.

Basically they draft in a surrogate 'mum machine' asap... then it's business as usual with them putting themselves, their work, their interests and their rest time first, second, third. Because Woman will do the shitwork. 'Oh what, there's a World's Greatest Parent prize being handed out? Let me just elbow you out of the way, Woman Who Does It All in My House! They're my kids don't you know!'

Drop the rope. And if the selfish little misogynist doesn't step up, drop him.

What Fizzy says - I read the full thread and was about to post this but you said it better!!!

@CherryTurnOver
you'll have to have your day affected by picking up your kids from school.
This is the issue.
Ut sounds as though you didn't mind playing "mum" , but now reality has kicked in, you've decided you don't like the role.
Tbh with your attitudes and lack of team playing and being a family, which is what you're supposed to be, you may as well just walk away if you're not to manage the situation in a more mature fashion.
Families with children piggy back off one another for the best interests of the family unit. So either you're a part of the unit or you're not! If you feel you both need to share the load more than discuss it. It shouldn't be solely down to him. If you can't step up accepting this, then maybe it would be kinder for you to end the relationship for the family's benefit.

@SoloMummy

''Ut sounds as though you didn't mind helping your partner out with his children's care , but now the reality of him being a complete pisstaker has kicked in, and, as you say, you are now doing all the 'drudgery' while he plays fun dad and leaves the shitwork to you you've decided you don't like the role of fucking domestic slave

Fixed it for you!!

Tbh with your attitudes and lack of team playing and being a family, which is what you're supposed to be, you may as well just walk away

Did you genuinely read the OP and conclude that she is the one who isn’t a team player? Just because she’s not 100% delighted to have been quietly drafted as surrogate mother with all the responsibility but apparently none of the rights? She’s not being treated like “family” she’s being treated like staff and it stinks.

You’re being treated like a 1950’s housewife and they aren’t even your children OP

Sit him down and explain how you feel and that it’s out of order. Tell him the new rules now, he does the parenting. Tell him that the hints stop from now and that you will only help out now if you OFFER to help as a favour.

Stop reminding him to parent. He is now relying on you to remind him to parent.

If they go without a snack for school or whatever then so be it. Hopefully it won’t happen again after that.

Tell him your day off is your day off. Not for babysitting.

he won't ever actually come out and moan or say he's annoyed if I say no because he knows it's not my responsibility but he'd happily let me do it like he does (or did) with the other stuff.

And there you have it, this is why so many women fall into doing everything because he will happily let anyone pick up the slack.

Well done for noticing the trap you have fallen into. I would be inclined to have one more go at getting him to put some reminders in place for himself. Does he have a phone? Perfect place to keep a diary and set reminders of what is required.

Let a calendar take the strain, why would you give it brain space ?

Much easier to say than do, have at it.