To take a step back?

[CherryTurnOver]

I recently started to feel like I was being more of a parent to my DSC when they were here than my husband was in terms of practical care. I.e. all meals made by me, they'd come to me if they were bored or hungry or for anything else, I'd be the one to remind them to brush teeth, I was doing the school run in the mornings, making their packed lunches for school, being the one having to think if we had enough in for said packed lunches etc... my husband spends time with them, they have fun etc... But we just slipped into this situation where the drudgery was just being done by me.

I want to put the breaks on this now. I booked the day off the other week after working full pelt recently and really needed some time to go and do something for myself. I could tell that for ages DH was angling for me to go and pick the kids up from school because I was off, dropping hints etc... (He's self employed and works 2 minutes away).

Usually I'd say yes but this time I just thought no. I've been doing the school runs in the morning despite needing to be in work myself for 9am and actually having a boss who can collar me for being late unlike DH and have been a few mins late a couple of times now due to this.

I've also started leaving things like packed lunches for DH to do and stopped reminding him that he needs to go and get something from the shop for it etc... So he'll end up having to go out at 9pm some days to get some fruit to go with it for example.

AIBU? I was becoming resentful that I was starting to feel like the parent with sole responsibility at our house for everything despite them not actually being my children.

I don't mind helping out but it was getting to the point where if I didn't make lunches for example, they just wouldn't be done because it was just expected I would do it.

I've realised I don't really want to be a full on parent, I want to support my DH and help when needed but I don't want to take on the majority of parenting.

I feel like I have to have an excuse if I want to have a day off that doesn't involve doing all childcare / school drop offs and pick ups.

Many other women need to be just like you op...
Well done...

Woops - put the brakes on**

He's a crap husband and a crap father. I bet if you spoke to his ex wife you'd find he was just the same there.

You can either put your foot down (which will lead him complaining) or make a decision about whether you want to live with someone as selfish as that.

I wish I could be like you!

I could have written your post at the minute op, only I feel too guilty to stop doing all the things I do.

Absolutely - take a very big step back, and then another one. He is their parent, not you, and he is massively taking the piss.

I may be unusual but I think I have picked up my stepson from school ONCE as a favour to my husband when he was late home from work. I obviously cook for the whole family, as he does as well. Washing is taken in turns. I've never made a packed lunch for my stepson.

He was clearly looking for someone else to do the wife work when he met you.

Are you remembering there’s nothing in for lunches but choosing not to remind him? Completely agree about lifts and that you don’t want to use your thinking time on the humdrum crap of parenting, but think a conversation about it would be better than subtly removing yourself. Also, is there a middle ground where you both do stuff then do more things all together?

I always think there needs to be a middle ground. I am a step mum. I did a lot of the school runs/pick ups/care for my stepson if I had the day off or it was easier. Equally my husband sometimes walks my dogs or mucks out my horses for me. We’re a team. We work together to get all the household jobs done. I had my animals when we met, he had a child. We both knew that.

@PETRONELLAS

Are you remembering there’s nothing in for lunches but choosing not to remind him? Completely agree about lifts and that you don’t want to use your thinking time on the humdrum crap of parenting, but think a conversation about it would be better than subtly removing yourself. Also, is there a middle ground where you both do stuff then do more things all together?

I did start to remind him but he just doesn't think for himself ever. So yeah, recently I've started just asking late at night what he made for their lunches tomorrow knowing he's not done them and leaving him to run to the shop for fruit or snacks or whatever 😂 if I had to remind him every time, it really would be every time. So I'm hoping doing it this way will make him think for himself eventually.

The thing is, he won't and doesn't moan. I can tell he knows he can't because he should be the one doing it. It's like when he was hinting at me picking them up on my day off, he won't ever actually come out and moan or say he's annoyed if I say no because he knows it's not my responsibility but he'd happily let me do it like he does (or did) with the other stuff.

I've started telling the kids to ask Daddy when they ask what's for tea sometimes too 😂 again, he won't moan, he'll do it because he knows really that he should but he's been happy to sit back and let me do it until now.

@Honeyroar

I always think there needs to be a middle ground. I am a step mum. I did a lot of the school runs/pick ups/care for my stepson if I had the day off or it was easier. Equally my husband sometimes walks my dogs or mucks out my horses for me. We’re a team. We work together to get all the household jobs done. I had my animals when we met, he had a child. We both knew that.

That's all very well and good but I don't feel like a team with what we were doing before. It felt very much like 'I don't have to think about that now because Cherry will do it'. And he just got to do the nice bits of parenting, never being late for work despite being the one who actually can be late if necessary etc...

I also don't have horses or a dog or any children myself so I didn't come with much maintenance to the relationship 😃 joking

And with the day off thing...

So usually what happens is he'll come and drop them off with me (whilst I'm WFH) when he picks them up and he goes back to work. So I'm already helping out on normal days when I'm supposed to be working so he can just go back to work and be uninterrupted for the rest of his day.

I wanted this day off because I've been working like a dog for ages now, he knew I wanted it to go and do something, possibly taking my mum's dog out with her for a long walk or something. But he'd have been happy for me to spend my afternoon picking the kids up and sitting in with them until he got home and was hinting at me to do so.

Basically it never seems to be his working day that's affected funnily... 🤔 Which is why I said no because i thought no, for once you'll have to have your day affected by picking up your kids from school.

You're right to take a step back @CherryTurnOver

There are 3 kids in our family , two are mine from a previous relationship and we have one together. While we are a family and my husband and I share washing , cooking and general housework I don't expect him to remember things specific to the first two kids. For example , I transfer over the teenager's lunch money , deal with any school admin , top up her phone and oyster card and keep a stock of sanitary products etc. I wouldn't expect him to remember these things, sometimes he does and I'm grateful and he will do them if I ask or am unable to for whatever reason. I do , however believe it's my job, as her parent to do these things. Most importantly, I want to do to these things!

I hope things improve for you op , it does sound like he's taking the piss.

YANBU

You're doing the right thing, OP.

He is their parent and you are not. That's it. By all means help him out, if he actually asks, and it suits you. But never let him assume you'll do whatever doesn't suit him.

Aside from anything else, he's setting a poor example to his kids of what being a parent actually involves.

Yanbu

YANBU - well done OP.

I was in your position a while back and one day the mists cleared for me and I realised just how much I’d let myself be used as free childcare over the years (to the point where I would get up in the night if they were ill and I’d take the day off work to look after them).

I’ve now completely disengaged and it’s done wonders for my stress levels.

There’s no harm if you still want to help out now and then but ultimately his kids = his responsibility.

Well done for taking a step back. Don't feel guilty about it - it's for the DCs own good that their own father parents them as opposed to their step mum. If anyone should be having just the fun times with them it's you, not him!

YANBU at all OP, actually you are still being way too soft.

So yeah, recently I've started just asking late at night what he made for their lunches tomorrow knowing he's not done them and leaving him to run to the shop for fruit or snacks or whatever 😂 if I had to remind him every time, it really would be every time. So I'm hoping doing it this way will make him think for himself eventually.

This sounds like you've been thinking all day, on some level, about whether he's made them lunch, waiting to remind him at the latest possible time. You are still doing a load of unnecessary mental labour, it isn't your problem, he's an adult who is perfectly capable of making their lunch and if he forgets and they don't have one that day, well, he might remember in future. It won't kill them. Until you stop throwing him a paddle at the last second, he's never going to learn to swim.

Well done, OP.

Have you had talks with him about this in the past and/or recently?

Do you have them 50:50? He needs to be so much more engaged with them and their needs. I know you shouldn’t have to but does he need it spelt out?

I think you have done the right thing, me and hubby are a team with joint children and sc, it's not a parent problem I have though its a MIL problem. She chooses to discuss everything with me about sc rather than hubby (really testing my patience)

@Dinglydanglyscarecrow oh my gosh I have this problem!! Like her asking me 'are the kids getting a holidays this year?' Or have you home cooked any meals this week ' it's so frustrating!! While her golden boy (my DP) get off Scott free. He's a great dad to be fair but she defiantly thinks it's my position to do all the care side lol

Or have you home cooked any meals this week

You mean she asks you, personally, if you have cooked any home cooked meals? Some people have an awful lot of cheek.

Stepping back gives him the opportunity to fully parent his children. You are helping him in doing so (even if he doesn’t think he is).

Being a parent is not just the nice, fun stuff. It’s the drudgery of school runs, packed lunch providing, toothbrushing and so on. Contact time is his time to parent, with all that entails.

When I first met my partner, I (like so many women) also took on too much of the work. I realised there were several problems with this.

1. It meant that I spent lots of time on logistical or practical stuff (Or just the bits DP wasn’t interested in), so DP could be ‘fun dad’ to his kids. Meanwhile my DS wasn’t getting my time, and that wasn’t fair.
2. DP wasn’t necessarily using the time he was not spending on drudge work to do parent stuff. He was often just getting more free time while he let them watch tv.
3. He wasn’t helping me out the same way I was helping him out. I was still doing all the logistical stuff for my son, and also extra stuff for his kids.
4. I was stopping him from fully being a parent in lots of ways. It’s so important that kids see their dad doing the boring, logistical crap for so many reasons.
5. It exacerbated (really frustrating) Disney dad type behaviour from him. It’s much easier to be permissive about kids who are rude about dinner when you didn’t cook it, or who won’t tidy up if you aren’t doing it, or who won’t put their shoes on so you can leave if you’re not taking them somewhere. He’s a better parent for doing the drudge work.

So I stopped doing it. I will cook for everyone (although he’s now on a last warning that, if he doesn’t consistently do something to improve the horrible dinner time behaviour, he will be shopping for, planning, cooking and eating all the meals with his children and I will not being doing any of the above). But he has to do all his school runs (however much he moans about it, and angles to get me to do it). He needs to make sure he does laundry so they can wear more pyjamas than anyone would think possible. He needs to think about whether they need X for school, and get it.

It’s better for everyone this way. Even if he complains about his busy he is, or his hard it is to juggle work with school runs (and the stupid contact arrangements he’s made with his ex, which don’t work for his employment), or how he spends all his time trying to get them to behave vaguely nicely and that isn’t fun. It’s his first real experience of parenting (his ex was a SAHM and he left everything to her). He should be thanking me for letting him do it properly. 😂

Step back OP. Step right back and let him be a fully present parent.

When I had my DD I took a step back in terms of what I’d been doing for DSD; i realised that I’d been taking on doing a lot and my DH had been letting me. I don’t think he’s a rubbish dad for it but I think if someone else was happy to do the boring bits then he was happy to let them.

Great post @WooMaWang!