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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Being the bigger person struggles

22 replies

Joely881 · 24/09/2020 22:31

I have recently been subject to my partners ex out pouring of hatred

She hates me, she tries to make life as awkward as possible including constantly changing contact having no respect for our family unit, and just generally manipulating things to suit her.

I stopped communicating with her as I just became sick of the constant games and my partner started refusing to give into her every demand. This sent her crazy.

She then took a post I made on Facebook (my account is private) and decided it was about her and decided she would post about me (naming me so it’s clear it was about me) for all her friends to comment on. This is all whilst she stopped contact as we would no longer do exactly as she said.

Now she is keen for contact to start up but I am not so keen just to resume things as they were. I appreciate a child is involved but I just can’t forgive and forget easily as she refuses to acknowledge any wrong doing and plays the victim.

My partner just wants to agree to move on and I know I should for the sake of the child but it’s just been such an awful time for me I am struggling...help.

OP posts:

MyGodImSoYoung · 25/09/2020 07:45

That sounds awful for you.

I've been through some similar crap with my DP's ex. She has also succeeded in making my DSD turn against me.

As much as you don't deserve to have your life dictated to by his ex, or to be treated badly, you need to allow his child back into your lives. I can completely relate to the feeling of not wanting them back, so I'm not judging you for that, but you need to rise above the rubbish for yourself.

You don't need to be present when his child visits. Take the time to do things for you xx

Notcrackersyet · 25/09/2020 09:20

Even though my partners ex has been vile to both of us, if she were willing to come to the table to talk, he would be there instantly - because it’s for the good of his daughter.
Of course contact needs to resume. But maybe a court order would help stabilise things going forward to stop her controlling contact to wound you and your partner to the detriment of the child. There’s no way my relationship would have survived without one as my partner’s life was completely controlled by her whims on access.
In terms of her actions regarding you - me, I have zero contact with my partner’s ex. Certain personality types feed on drama and I’m very happy to deprive her of that. Grey rock all the way.

Notcrackersyet · 25/09/2020 09:21

Reading my post back, to clarify, I’m not suggesting that contact should wait for a court order!

RedRumTheHorse · 25/09/2020 12:29

Your DP/DH should go to mediation to sort out contact and get a parenting agreement.

If your SD is then under 13, if the parenting agreement fails as she withdraws contact again with no reasonable reason, he should apply to Court to turn it into a Child Arrangements Order.

In your case have nothing absolutely more to do with her.

If you don't want her to come to your home especially if you have your own children, make it clear to your partner that handovers have to be done somewhere else e.g. outside a cafe, in a supermarket car park when they can't be done from school. Make sure you tell your DP this before he goes to mediation so it is in the agreement.

Enoughnowstop · 25/09/2020 13:12

You are suggesting contact shouldn’t resume because she hasn’t apologised to you for something she said/did to you?

MeridianB · 25/09/2020 14:50

That sounds grim. But you never need to speak to her.

Leave everything to your DP and support him through any emotional hurdles. Block her on your phone and step back. Hopefully she will get bored.

Original poster

Joely881 · 25/09/2020 16:25

I should of been clearer I am not happy for contact to happen in my home. Contact can resume, just not in my four walls for the time being as a result of her behaviour and the impact it has on my family.

OP posts:

excelledyourself · 25/09/2020 16:36

Is it not your partner's home too? How are you going to explain to your stepchild that they are not welcome in your home?

excelledyourself · 25/09/2020 16:37

And as for "contact can resume". That would never be your choice to make.

Bollss · 25/09/2020 16:43

how old is the child?

I mean, she sounds like a massive arsehole but i dont think you can refuse contact in your home because of that, it's not the childs fault.

ComicePear · 25/09/2020 16:48

Does your partner live with you? If so, then either you need to allow him to resume contact in your home or he should move out.

If he doesn't live with you then it's fine to not allow contact in your home.

I agree with previous posters that you never need to be in contact with the ex, and also that mediation might help your partner and his ex to agree on a contact schedule.

Tyersal · 25/09/2020 17:02

You need to block the ex in all areas eg facebook what's app etc. Contact doesn't need to have anything to do with you. The ex doesn't need to be at or in your home. Get a separate mobile for your OH just to have contact with her that's all the contact she needs to have

peakygal · 25/09/2020 17:10

So you do not want your SD inside your home because her mother did something to upset you? Why take it out on the child?

WearyandBleary · 25/09/2020 17:13

She should be irrelevant here. Her relationship is with your DH and not you.

Make sure she can’t see your Facebook profile (it’s obviously NOT private or she wouldn’t have seen it).

Of course your DH needs to look after his child. If you live together that will have to be at your house. You can’t ban the child.

icantstandhorridhenry · 25/09/2020 18:24

It's not about you unfortunately, neither is it about your DP and his ex. The only important person in your little triangle is what is keeping your DP and his ex talking... the child.

What you do and decide affects this little human and how he/she sees his parents and grows.

I'm a step mum of 2 crazy kids, their mum is up and down. One day she'll be such a saint the next she's a fucking nightmare but we just ride it out. She's tried to have digs at me but I really couldn't give a shit what she thought about me, I know who I am and I know how much I support her children's father and her children when they're with us.
You need to grow thicker skin and move on.

You can create a family unit with your DP and SC if you want to, if not then why are you in the relationship?
You took on your DP who had a child, that child is attached to him for the rest of his life and the ex is attached to him for as long as your DP chooses to see his child.
It is your DPs choice to not see his child not yours.

Don't get me wrong, I know how it feels to be fuming with the ex BUT just move on, this will happen again and again and again but each time you need to just brush it off and support your DP where needed.

Original poster

Joely881 · 25/09/2020 21:58

I am not saying it’s my choice about contact happening more about her just expecting things to carry on as usual after her latest antics and my doors just to be thrown open for visits to start again, only to be stopped again in a few months time when she decides to stir again and then it impacts the other children as once more their step sibling is in and out of their lives. I hate the comment you took on this child, yes I did but the relentless shit stirring wears you down eventually and I’ve just reached a point of exhaustion . I am just not sure if I am ready to open my house to the merry go round again until a firm agreement mediation/court order is in place. I wouldn’t be unreasonable to suggest this to my other half? I do agree I need to get over it. It’s just taking a bit longer this time due to the maliciousness of it all but maybe if they can get a plan in place and firm boundaries are established she can move on with her life and I will move on from How I feel at the moment.

OP posts:

SandyY2K · 26/09/2020 02:15

Can I clarify...she stopped contact because her demands were not being met? And has suddenly decided contact can resume ... did you DP not take any legal action to see his DC in all that time?

There needs to be a proper contact/custody order in place to stop all this.

How old are/is the DC

Bollss · 26/09/2020 08:07

I agree that a court order needs to be in place but it's not going to look good on your partner if he essentially refuses contact before that is in place.

sassbott · 26/09/2020 10:35

Good god. Some of the comments on here.
OP, its very destabilising when this happens. And someone has this much control over your home environment and can cause this much upheaval. Sadly, via an innocent child.

Your feelings/ concerns are valid.
But your DP cannot refuse contact with his child.

So your choices are

he moves out
he secures a separate location for contact to take place
contact resumes but you minimise your exposure / contact to it until such time you feel comfortable.

Pinkyxx · 26/09/2020 11:14

I think your feelings are completely valid. This reads like it’s a combination of issues - your communication with his ex but also the disruption arising from contact being on / off. No one deserves to live like that, not you but also not his child. I understand how you feel but I don’t think You should refuse to allow the child in yourhome as it’s not their fault. I can relate to the exhaustion of relentless issues in contact but you can’t allow her to have this power over you. She sounds like a nightmare and gleefully using her child which is abhorrent. The conflict between you and her is easily solved: remove yourself.

I have zero contact with my ex’s wife. Achieving this was simple: I blocked her email address, Facebook, phone number etc. Before I did these things I ignored every communication received. Did they upset me ? yes very much, I’d never bee on the receiving end of such spiteful, vitriolic, malicious words in my life. No good was ever going to come of trying to resolve any of it. This woman won’t apologise and if you stay in contact with her you’re leaving yourself open to further upset. Your dp must deal with her.

The contact issue is no so easily fixed, but you dp should start mediation so an agreement can be put in place. This agreement should have neutral hand overs away from your home. If she breaks the agreement your dp will need to be prepared to take action. It’s not clear how previous suspension of contact has been handled?

dontdisturbmenow · 26/09/2020 15:28

You keep talking about your house. As already asked, but you haven't responded to, isn't it his home too? Is he paying nothing towards rent/mortgage and bills?

If so why not?

If he is, then you are totally unreasonable in considering it your decision whether the child can come or not.

It sounds like you are likely much to involved in their arrangement and might be what stemmed the conflict. Stay away from it all and let your oh decide about contact.

bogoffmda · 26/09/2020 19:25

You are as bad as her if what you say is true and what you want to happen.

You are both weaponising the child.

The minute she steps out of line - the child gets banned from the house, is this how it is going to go?

If she stopped contact, why did your DP do nothing.

More to this than meets the eye

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