14 year old

[Jfoz22]

My boyfriend has a 14 year old who stays with us every other weekend. We also have a 2 year old together.

I'm really clueless with older kids. He is such a good kids no trouble what so ever compared to other people's stories but I think he is a bit rude in other ways but just want to check if it's normal teenage boy stuff and I'm expecting too much.

He doesn't appear to read, let alone reply, to texts/what's app messages where you can see the last time they were on line. An example, I wished him a happy birthday yesterday and he's not read it let alone replied to say he had a great day.

His dad reaches out and sends messages to see how he is as he doesn't see him for 2 weeks at a time and he rarely responds.

He doesn't think to bring a face mask with him when we go out so there was one occasion where we hadn't reminded him and he then couldn't enter a building with us as he didn't have one.

He doesn't think to wash his hands when we return home, I have to remind him.

He doesn't thank us when we go out for a meal or but an ice cream etc.

He does the usual 2 word responses or grunts which I know is just a teenage thing.

Please don't lay into me as I genuinely don't know if I expecting too much from a 14 year old and it's normal teenage behaviour or if it's something that needs addressing?

Sounds like normal teenage behaviour to me but you could maybe talk to his dad about it and see if dad can have a word?

Sometimes teenagers just really aren't aware of upsetting/offending people. They're so caught up in themselves at that age but sometimes if you (or maybe dad) actually say to them "it would be really nice if you did X" and explain why in a non patronising way, you'll be surprised how they respond. He might literally not realise he's upsetting you.

It's pretty normal if a bit rude. He's probably immersed in chatting with friends etc. I sent my DSS a birthday message last week and he hasn't replied! I'm not taking it personally as we get on fine, he's responded to his Dad and that was effectively to all of us.
Help him out with masks, etc, 14 yr olds aren't quite fully functioning adults yet and do still need quite a lot of parental support.
I think not saying thank you is a bit rude though, his Dad should have a word.
He doesn't sound like a bad lad.

Thanks guys, really helpful.

He doesn't thank us when we go out for a meal or but an ice cream etc.

This part is rude and his dad should pick him up on it.

I'm the sort of person who forgets to reply to messages so I couldn't get too beat up about this. I think some people forget that not everyone wants to be contactable or on their phone all the time so getting annoyed by the fact that you can see that they are online puts a lot of pressure on them to always reply immediately, and I don't think that's healthy.

Forgetting the mask and hand washing isn't rude unless he has a bad attitude when reminded, it's not too much of a hardship to just point him towards the sink when you get in! I always have a spare mask or two in the car because I'd be forever forgetting them otherwise.

Why are you messaging him if he had a tendency not to reply. Pick the phone
Up and reply. Perhaps he’s genuinely not seen the messages- he doesn’t have an obligation to check them
And respond immediately - unless of course urgent.

Face masks- I’m 40 and forget at least once a week that they have been taken in from car for a wash! Just remind him, not going to be a big deal just to ask everyone if they have face masks.

Does he really have to say thank you for everything? Don’t get me wrong I make my kids say thanks but not for every little thing like an once cream. They don’t need to thank me for everything.

Does he get to see his dad on his own at all?
Just mentioning as I do think that really important and maybe he feels a bit irritated by your message if he thinks you are in his face too much?

The hand washing and mask is absolutely normal-none of mine remember!

He doesn't thank us when we go out for a meal or but an ice cream etc.

I'm not sure he needs to thank you for a meal you chose to take him to and all enjoyed, unless it was somewhere special of his choosing for an occasion.

And re the thanking- you make him sound like a bit like guest to your family. Manners are important but my kids don’t thank me for every single thing we do as a family as they are part of it not a guest at it.
I wonder if he is a bit upset by that?

Really normal teenage behaviour. I have to remind my DH to take a face mask, it’s annoying but I wouldn’t worry about forgetfulness in a 14 year old boy. As for not saying please and thank you, children do tend to take these things for granted but your DH should pull him up on this.

I think it's normal. My 17yo stepson is, as you say, a good kid - but god he tries my patience sometimes. Difference is he lives with us as his dad has custody so I get the honour of witnessing bizarre teenage boy behaviour ALL the time haha.

I 100% understand the text thing. I never get replies. If he's out somewhere and I've asked when he's coming home I don't get a reply, yet he's then all indignant if he comes home and there's no dinner (he often gets food while out with his mates) and I say he'll have to have something from the freezer (extra portions of things we've had recently which I put in there for precisely this purpose).

He also never remembers anything, let alone a mask, which is a new thing to have to think about. The number of times we've been out and got a phone call saying he's not got his house key is ridiculous. I'm thinking of stapling it on him, to be honest. Only today he's left his bus pass and college ID on the bus, so that's £90 if it doesn't get handed in.

About thanking you for meals/ice cream .. I think you're expecting a bit much there. He's part of your family, and not financially independent, so of course his food gets bought for him. He shouldn't have to bow down all the time. That said, my stepson says thank you after every meal so idk.

Honestly, teenage boys are like a different breed. They really are. Someone should make a wildlife documentary about them, it'd be truly enlightening!

I think it's interesting that so many think it's unreasonable to expect to be thanked for a meal out. To me that is normal, a meal out is a treat and whilst I wouldn't necessarily expect the word "thankyou" I would expect a general good attitude about being taken. Being surly and lacking appreciation would put me off taking them again.

Wow - the only thing that I would consider crucial here is the manners. I'm amazed they done parents don't want thanks. It's the absolute basics of raising a human being isn't it? So yep, my 13 year old son says thank you for everything. This isn't difficult? It's a bit like I say thank you for everything. You hand me an ice cream? I'll say thanks. You buy me a meal? I'll say thanks. Etc. So your stepson needs pulling up every single time he doesn't say it.

When my children were younger, so I didn't have to sound like a broken record all day long, when I handed them something I'd keep hold of it until they remembered and said thank you. It's not some tug of war thing - they feel the gentle resistance and they remember their manners.

Apart from the manners thing, the rest is completely normal and very typical behaviour and just needs ignoring.

Very normal!

Sounds like my eldest. Response to messages are always a few words. For example hi mate how are the others - Good Dad.
No harm in reminding him occasionally he could be a bit morr polite but if hes generally good probably no need to push at that age

Forgetting masks can be done by anyone tbh...I would expect the parents to remind him or have a spare.

I would expect a thank you, if I was handing over an ice cream I'd just bought, but not necessarily for a meal out in a restaurant. You have an obligation to feed your DC...and if the parents choose to eat out is your decision.

My DC do say thank you when we eat out either to me or DH depending on who pays, they're older than your SS and a bit more financially aware.

I don't expect a thank you, unless I say it's a treat IYSWIM or something they wanted...like going to Creams Dessert Parlour/McDonald's, which wouldn't really be my choice.

The not replying his messages is typical teenage behaviour....very irritating....my DN is useless at replying to messages and I know he deliberately turns of his read receipts.
I've no doubt he replies to his friends though. His DM got fed up of him not responding and said she'll stop paying the bill, to which DN responded that he'd be fine to pay it himself with his part time job.

I find some adults are useless at replying to messages too and I find it irritating and rude tbh.

@Shedpaint I'm definitely not in his face and rarely text him. I make sure he spends time alone with his Dad. He hasn't responded to his Dads messages wishing him a happy birthday so I'm not taking it personally.

@FelicityFisher I'm with you, please and thank yous are just part of daily life, when someone hands you something I say thank you. It's just me and how I was brought up but looking at the mixed bag of comments people have split views on this one which is absolutely fine.

It's normal and rude! Teenagers are rude. It's our job to teach them manners as people stop excusing bad manners when they reach adulthood. I would gently remind him every single time to say thank you but I would not feel offended by any of it.

Non response to texts - standard.

Thanking you for meals out - not standard. It’s rude. And I’ve navigated plenty of teen boys via my Dc/ my nephews. All of whom went through the grunting phase. But without fail, I’d get a grunting thank you.
And if I didn’t, I would very pointedly state that I expected a thank you as manners maketh man (or person). This is such an important and non negotiable baseline for me, say thank you and don’t turn into an entitled individual who just ‘expects’ this.

Very regular teenager! Ahahahhahaha
Sorry, it doesn't sound like this kid is toubled at all.

Buy a pack of cheap disposable masks from Amazon, I got a pack of 10 for £1 and keep them in your bag for when he forgets.