Bossy step daughter

[Hutchy987]

Hi all,

Just looking for some advice.
I’ve recently been introduced to my partner’s 7 year old daughter who is for the most part incredibly sweet and a real firecracker.

She has told me that she likes me and that she’s happy her Dad has a girlfriend and asked if that means we can be friends - all unprompted I might add, she’s just very open and chatty.

However, she is also incredibly demanding and bossy, telling me what to do “no you can’t make dinner, you’ve got to play with me” and criticising me if she thinks I’m doing things wrong “don’t put that there”, “why do you walk so fast”, “hurry up, walk quicker” etc. Sometimes it feels like I can’t do anything right though I know she’s just testing me.

My partner has recognised this too and said he’ll keep and eye on it but he can be quite a pushover. I’m wondering how to respond, how to ensure it doesn’t escalate, and whether anyone else has been through this and if it changed over time.

Thanks in advance

You don’t understand my indignance? A seven year old thinks it’s appropriate to boss an adult around. And the father is a softtouch. And posters on here are advising ‘work with the child?’

Seriously?

She’s 7. She doesn’t get to tell adults what to do.
That’s my indignance. (And yes I am a divorced mum with children and if any of them acted this way, pre divorce/ post divorce, they would have gotten sharp shrift).

Talk about the tail wagging the dog

@sassbott

You don’t understand my indignance? A seven year old thinks it’s appropriate to boss an adult around. And the father is a softtouch. And posters on here are advising ‘work with the child?’

Seriously?

She’s 7. She doesn’t get to tell adults what to do.
That’s my indignance. (And yes I am a divorced mum with children and if any of them acted this way, pre divorce/ post divorce, they would have gotten sharp shrift).

Talk about the tail wagging the dog

I’m not convinced that working with the child would help anyway. It’s generally an issue that the child’s father has allowed this to happen.

DSD (nearly 7) is dreadfully bossy and demanding too. But it’s her parents’ fault. When she’s nagging DP about things and ordering him about, it’s his own bloody fault.

I certainly wouldn’t accept my son telling me off (‘you forgot to buy X; you need to remember to get some’ etc) as she does to her father. In fact, he wouldn’t accept it if I spoke to him like that. But he allows a 6 year old to do so.

I don’t let her speak to me like that. Mostly I just walk away and disengage if she’s demanding to have an input into dinner or something (I am not being told how to cook by a bloody 6 year old). I do get very annoyed with her father when he allows her to sit there, criticise my cooking and tell me what I should do instead. She can learn to be grateful or keep quiet about the potato wedges being a bit crispy. And he needs to either teach her this or cook for her himself.

It’s hard getting a man suffering from divorced dad guilt to parent though. Even when they recognise the behaviour as a problem (he’s always complaining about how bloody demanding she is).

Urgh I get this.
My SDs are now 15 & 11 and I’ve been in their lives for 5 years now.
They tried to boss my around so much when DP first introduced me to them but I took a zero tolerance approach e.g. going out in DP’s car one day and eldest SD (10 at the time) jumped into the front passenger seat and expected me to sit in the back with the little ones. I asked her to move nicely, she said no she was there first. So I opened the car door and took her by the hand and told her to move in a firm calm way.
Whenever the girls bossed me about I’d either laugh and say jovially “ok your majesty, I didn’t realise the queen had arrived” and then basically ignore it.

SD11 still tries it on now occasionally but I completely dismiss it. Just last week DP and I had bought tester pots of paint and were trying out the colours and she was VERY vocal about what she liked and disliked. DP and I decided on a colour we both loved and she went on and on and on about how she didn’t like it and it wasn’t right.

About the 50th time she expressed her dislike I said “We get it, you don’t like it. But we do and unfortunately for you it’s not your decision to make”.

I tend to say a lot of “that’s nice dear” type remarks when either of them try to enforce their opinions or views onto me. “My mum cooks it like this, you’re doing it wrong”... I’ll reply with something like “That’s nice for her, this is how I cook it and I like it like this”.

From my experience it’s best to not engage too much but don’t completely ignore it either or she won’t stop. Acknowledge what she’s said when she’s being bossy but stop it in its tracks by stating you don’t want to / don’t like that / are busy / are happy doing what you’re doing.

@WooMaWang my DP’s DC tried the ‘I don’t like this food‘ (when they’d been fine with it weeks previously). I simply bluntly replied, don’t eat it then and ask your father to cook you something else. I then continued to eat my own food and carried on talking with my children, ignoring said child completely.

There are attention seeking behaviours that young children (especially SC) engage in. Do I think any situation merits a 7 year old talking to adults / bossing them around? No. I don’t. Because it won’t miraculously stop, it will get worse and I would not allow any child to talk to me in that way.

Even my children’s friends (who are much older and could well be more bold), are respectful towards me and wouldn’t dream of talking to me the way this 7 year old is doing? Who thinks any part of this acceptable and doesn’t nip it in the bud there and then? (Back ro incredulity).

I’m with @SpongebobNoPants. My DP and his EXW for some reason started to allow the eldest child to sit in the front seat (even though it’s clearly safer at that age to be in the back). Like you I was on one occasion getting in the car and eldest child said ‘I normally sit in the front.’ To which I calmly replied, that’s fine, but when another adult is travelling with you, they sit in the front and it’s actually safer for you in the back. Now in you get.’

There was zero negotiation and if said child had insisted on getting in the front? I would have left them too it.

These dads need to step up and start parenting their children. It’s absolutely ridiculous.

There was zero negotiation
This is definitely the approach to take. You can be kind, listen to them but also not negotiate with them.
I also quietly let my SCs know there was a pecking order in our house and the kids are below the adults. If there are adult guests and not enough seats in the living room, then the kids should give up their seats to the adults. Little things like that which I consider basic manners I think are often overlooked with SCs as their parents (usually NRP) are afraid to upset them and treat them like they’re top priority in the home.
It’s not healthy for them or the overall family dynamic.

As PPs have said, I wouldn’t tolerate bossiness from my own DCs or anyone else’s kids so I certainly don’t tolerate it from my SCs.

@sassbott

Are the majority of posters on here having a laugh?

A seven year old doesn’t get to relentlessly ‘tell’ an adult what to do. In which world does this behaviour settle? It won’t. If a child sees that their way gets their own way, that behaviour won’t miraculously stop. It will become embedded behaviour.

I wouldn’t let any 7 year consistently talk to me this way. And it needs nipping in the bud otherwise she will become one of those children that other children start to avoid, precisely because of this behaviour.

Exactly! If you recently met her, you are still in the "honeymoon" phase with her. Imagine how it will be when the newness wears off and when she grows up a bit. And it's especially if you want to have a child with her father (my SD became bossy with me at 11 telling me what to do with my baby and it took over a year for me to stop this and it was hard at that age!). So I would politely but firmly nip it in the bud. I'm not the specialist on how to best do it, but there are certainly articles on the internet. You are not her friend (read posts and see how many SMs are friends with their skids) or her new toy, you are an adult who is in the relationship with her father and if she respects you, things will be easier in the future. I also walked on eggshells because I was so happy that SD loves me, but when people feel that you sort of want their approuval, forget the respect.

She wouldn't talk to her teacher, grandparents or neighbour like that (I hope!) so it's ok to ask her for a please if she demands that you do something. Her Dad should be prompting her to ask you stuff nicely- you're an adult and not a 7 year old peer. I think she's testing her Dad too. His ineffectiveness is potentially a big problem for you and if this is to be nipped in the bud he should be prompting her to change her tone when she wants you to do something and reminding her that you're allowed to say no to playing with her if you want.

My advice would be to step back and give it some time. My SDC went through the same stage at age 6 when we announced their half sibling was on the way. We googled it and 6/7 is prime age for ‘overly assertive’ behaviour as kids are just figuring out their role in the world and lack the social skills to reign in the confidence a well loved child will probably have. Advice we read was to give social advice ‘other ppl might think you’re a bit of a show off/bossy if you talk like that’ but let their peers correct it largely- and that it would wear off once they adjusted to whatever might have triggered it.

Oh and yes we did insist on please/Thankyou though.

8yo now and the bossiness is long gone btw :)