Bossy step daughter

[Hutchy987]

Hi all,

Just looking for some advice.
I’ve recently been introduced to my partner’s 7 year old daughter who is for the most part incredibly sweet and a real firecracker.

She has told me that she likes me and that she’s happy her Dad has a girlfriend and asked if that means we can be friends - all unprompted I might add, she’s just very open and chatty.

However, she is also incredibly demanding and bossy, telling me what to do “no you can’t make dinner, you’ve got to play with me” and criticising me if she thinks I’m doing things wrong “don’t put that there”, “why do you walk so fast”, “hurry up, walk quicker” etc. Sometimes it feels like I can’t do anything right though I know she’s just testing me.

My partner has recognised this too and said he’ll keep and eye on it but he can be quite a pushover. I’m wondering how to respond, how to ensure it doesn’t escalate, and whether anyone else has been through this and if it changed over time.

Thanks in advance

It sounds like she is just trying to see where she stands with you. If she says she likes you, you’ve already got a good start. Can you challenge her lightly next time? If she says ‘don’t put that there’ you could say something like ‘ooh that’s a bit rude. Why don’t you ask me nicely.’

If you’ve just been introduced I presume her dad is still looking after her while you are there. Maybe ask him to step in?

I know you say he can be a pushover, but if you’ve only just met her he really should be doing all the parenting because he’s her parent.

Thanks @Kanaloa that’s my thoughts exactly. I think he either needs to lightly mention something when I’m there or just have a little chat after I’ve gone.
I don’t want to have to “parent” her as such and be the bad guy but equally I don’t want her to see me as someone to pushover.

Any other tips?

I think your best bet is, like you say, let dad sort it. You definitely don’t want to become the bad guy in this. If dad steps in every time and says she is being rude, that should sort it in time.

He needs to pick her up on this, every time. She needs to be informed it is bad manners but it is unfair of him to put you in the position of having to do that when he will not.

I'd say "we all have different ways of doing things...this is my way"....in a nice tone of course.

Or you could also say.."I didn't realise I was walking too quick for you....I'll slow down" or "I'm walking slower because I feel a bit tired... you can go ahead a little bit if you want to"

You can't let a 7 year old boss you around. Can I ask how old you are?

Fundamentally...as long as what you're doing isn't harming her..or leaving her out in any way...don't change based on her words.

I’d be quite cheered if she’s wanting to play with you rather than you be off somewhere else making dinner - I agree with above posters that she’s testing the waters with you by working out how much cheek she can give you! Could the two of you have a bit of bonding time by going to the park or something while her dad makes dinner, and build on the relationship with just the two of you there? I reckon in a few months the sass will even out

For a start, she's not your stepdaughter, she's your boyfriends daughter. There's a big difference. Also she is seven for goodness sake. You're new, she's acting differently because of that would be my guess. You might be with him for years or a few months , she doesn't know yet and neither do you. Let him parent her or see him when she's not there.

He needs to pick her up on this, every time.
I think the opposite of this. She doesn't need to be chastised, she needs reassurance. She's trying to find out where she fits into this new dynamic.

She's a seven year old girl who is trying to find out what's going on. Like you say, it's not up to you to parent her. I'd make it my goal to get her to understand you aren't a threat to her relationship with her dad. Make sure they get time without you during every visit. Build them up as a unit, if she says you are walking too slowly say 'you've got those lovely long legs like your dad' if she tells you something doesn't go there say 'I'm glad I've got you here to help me empty the dishwasher as I don't know where things go in your house'.

I would in this circumstance in a playful way tell her you're not doing what she has asked but make it fun. Then don't do it.

She's trying to find out where she fits in, which is understandable though very trying.

You can assert your boundaries in a very gently, fun way:

Play with me, don't make dinner: I wish I could but if I don't start dinner now, we'll all be starving. Wanna help? (Incidentally I hope dad is taking his turn at cooking when you're both with her)

Slow down/speed up: I'd just do that, but I'd probably ask for a 'please' and follow up with a 'are your legs tired, do you want to run?'

It will settle down, probably. What won't settle down is your partner being ineffective. He needs to parent his child!

That doesn't go there is territory marking - she's waiting to see if you'll say ' it goes where I say it goes' - don't do that! Either make a joke of it: WHAT? You'll be saying next that the cushion doesn't live in the fridge! Or: oh doesn't it? Can you pop it away in the right place please?

Just don't obey. It doesn't have to be a big conversation. A few examples of you simply not doing as you are told will be enough most likely.

The rudeness needs to be picked up by her dad. Him being a pushover made me think, ah yes, here it starts, new housekeeper and nanny is on board so leave her to it.

Again, as others said she is not your step daughter, she is your boyfriend's daughter, switch your mindset around on that and it might become easier to hold him to account.

*I think the opposite of this. She doesn't need to be chastised, she needs reassurance. She's trying to find out where she fits into this new dynamic.

She's a seven year old girl who is trying to find out what's going on. Like you say, it's not up to you to parent her. I'd make it my goal to get her to understand you aren't a threat to her relationship with her dad. Make sure they get time without you during every visit. Build them up as a unit, if she says you are walking too slowly say 'you've got those lovely long legs like your dad' if she tells you something doesn't go there say 'I'm glad I've got you here to help me empty the dishwasher as I don't know where things go in your house'.*

Well yes, that would be the very MN thing to do. But in reality, some children are just bossy by nature. She doesn't need encouraging to think everyone else is incompetent and need her to boss them around or she will grow up to be insufferable to her peers. There is room to be positive and encouraging towards her but also for her father to teach her that bossing people around is rude.

What does her dad suggest?

Well yes, that would be the very MN thing to do. But in reality, some children are just bossy by nature. She doesn't need encouraging to think everyone else is incompetent and need her to boss them around or she will grow up to be insufferable to her peers. There is room to be positive and encouraging towards her but also for her father to teach her that bossing people around is rude.

@aSofaNearYou - you are honestly one of the only voices of reason on here.

Thanks everyone, your advice is incredibly useful.

To answer a couple of questions:

• I’m 35 and don’t have children of my own though I hope I’d be able to in time
• I know she is my boyfriend’s daughter and not my step daughter which I wrote in the body of the text but “Bossy Stepdaughter” has a better ring to it for a subject line than “Boyfriends daughter is bossy” 😂

I do try and make a joke of it and be really positive but it’s just so tiring. I really like that she wants to play and she asked if she could hold my hand the other day which was lovely but then she’ll get quite pushy and it’s exhausting.

He doesn’t really do anything to stop her to be honest. He’s quite hands on and he was making dinner the other night, I was going to help but she wanted me with her which is fine. I also encourage them to have time together and don’t go over as much as he would probably like, I think it’s important for her to know that she has her Daddy/Daughter time too.

I guess I just need to know that it will stop or at least lessen over time. I don’t want to dread seeing her and I certainly don’t want to make a rod for my own back.

Lots of great advice already. My thoughts...
My DSD is the same age. She’s got lots of empathy and can think logically but, at this age, she still thinks that the world revolves around her. And that we exist to meet her needs/wants. Ok I exaggerate slightly on that but not a lot!!
You can gently set boundaries as you might with nieces and nephews eg enforcing please and thank you.
You can say no. I can’t play right now as I’m washing my hair or whatever or you can set limits. Eg I can play until the kettle boils then I’m going to have a nice cup of tea and read my book.
She honestly sounds quite normal and it sounds like a pretty positive start for your relationship.

@Magda72 haha thankyou, and likewise!

It does sound tiring op!

When I've worked with kids like this I used to ignore the bossy behaviour and praise the helpful things. I'd only speak up if it crossed the line and was incredibly rude.

She sounds like a great kid , full of confidence.

How often have you met her?

Yabu not to tell her politely that dc don't actually tell grown ups what to do...
Her df doesn't need to helicopter your relationship...

You don’t have to ‘parent her’ as such, but as an adult, like an aunt or family friend, or a childminder if you’re expected to look after her alone, you can definitely have an opinion on how she talks to you.

re her wanting to play while you’re cooking, I’d say firmly but nicely “I’m making dinner at the moment, we’ll play after dinner” and if she kicks up a fuss the playing afterwards would be my leverage. “If you carry on being rude then I’m not going to want to play after dinner.” Or “the longer we spend talking about this, the later dinner will be, then there’s no time to play afterwards” then distract her “Now why don’t you set the table as we’re nearly ready to eat”.

With the walking I’d make a bit of a joke of it. If she says you’re too fast then start walking reeeeeaaaalllly slowly, or vice versa, so she realises she can’t dictate the exact pace at which you walk, then as a Pp suggests, tell her she can run along ahead if you’re too slow for her.

But ideally yes, her dad should be stopping this in its tracks. She’s more than old enough to understand how to talk to you politely

Are the majority of posters on here having a laugh?

A seven year old doesn’t get to relentlessly ‘tell’ an adult what to do. In which world does this behaviour settle? It won’t. If a child sees that their way gets their own way, that behaviour won’t miraculously stop. It will become embedded behaviour.

I wouldn’t let any 7 year consistently talk to me this way. And it needs nipping in the bud otherwise she will become one of those children that other children start to avoid, precisely because of this behaviour.

Sassbot, I don’t understand your indignance. The majority of posters fell into the camp of ‘get her dad to sort it out’ or ‘here’s some ideas for responses you can try that are appropriate to your position of newly-introduced girlfriend.’ Which seems fair enough given the limited info we have here on the internet about this situation.