2nd best

[BackAwayFatty]

Step mum here to two boys ages 6 & 9

We have them 3 days a week (more in school holidays. Would have 50/50 but Mum refuses).

We try our best to give them every opportunity, spend time with them, include them, facilitate activities they want to do, buy everything they could want (within reason).

How do I get over the feeling of our house being second best to Mums? They don't want 50/50 because they will miss Mum but are happy to not see us next summer for 4 weeks. Feeling unappreciated to be honest.

Any advice? Does it get easier as they get older? Can only see it getting worse!

My parents divorced when I was a child and my dad’s new house never felt anything like home.
The house that I had grown up in, where mum lived, was home.

Thank you for sharing @FippertyGibbett.

Is there anything that could've been done differently to help you feel more included? We try our best to include them, I have a daughter aswell who is from a previous relationship so we try to make them feel equal.

I'm not from a blended household & i'm used to being the main carer for my daughter so it's hard to be the 'other' parent. I imagined it being mum & dad pretty equal & me somewhere around after. Maybe that'll never be the case & I need to manage my expectations?

To note, my partner & I have been together 4 years. Mum & DP were separated 2 years beforehand so youngest doesn't remember them together as a family unit but older does.

Well, I'm a step parent, and I know my stepson feels this way. It honestly doesn't bother me personally, I know it's sad for my partner but since he's not mine I am perfectly complete when he isn't here, and can't say I have any personal angst about him having two homes or investment in him considering ours equal to the other. I don't mean that to sound harsh, but my honest advice would be to be a bit less invested.

LO in our situation prefers one house other the other, despite having 50/50 care. Always wants more time at one house. He's 8 and it's pretty much always been this way. I think children from one home can find a preference for one parent over the other, even with both living under one roof, so it is inevitable that children can choose one parent over the other when they split. I guess it will never be easy to be the parent who feels or seems second best but as long as the children are loved and welcome at both homes then that is what they will always remember

Answer very honestly- do you love them as much and feel exactly the same about them as you do about your daughter?

@BackAwayFatty

Thank you for sharing *@FippertyGibbett*.

Is there anything that could've been done differently to help you feel more included? We try our best to include them, I have a daughter aswell who is from a previous relationship so we try to make them feel equal.

I'm not from a blended household & i'm used to being the main carer for my daughter so it's hard to be the 'other' parent. I imagined it being mum & dad pretty equal & me somewhere around after. Maybe that'll never be the case & I need to manage my expectations?

No, nothing would have made dad’s house home. Mum’s house was home. Sorry if that’s not what you wanted to hear.

Thanks everyone.

I am possibly overly invested & need to let go a little?

I love them but not in the same way as my daughter. I do try to treat them equally.

I think it's fair that they will prefer one household to the other but it's clear that I can't expect that to be our household. We do have a better quality of life than at Mums but money doesn't buy happiness & all that!

They seem happy & settled when they are here. Just accepting that they prefer mums is the next step for me I guess.

@FippertyGibbett I appreciate your honesty & I think if I realise this now it's better for the boys. They shouldn't have to save my feelings & I won't put myself in a position to ask a question I don't want the answer to haha 🙂

They are still very little, so mum and her house will be foundations of their world.

I am sure they are happy with you guys, too. Take the pressure off yourself and give up trying to read their minds - it sounds like you really care about them and make a big effort to support them and that is more than enough for now.

Why is it some kind of competition? Surely the best anyone can hope for is that children move between their parents households with the minimum of fuss and distress? Why the need to come out on top? What might you be saying to the children with a need to be best? Are you doing too much in order to come out on top? Maybe spend time at home, doing nothing, letting them play, watching tv, making pizza, eating ice cream. Kids in together families don’t do stuff all the time. Don’t try so hard.

But above all, you need to stop seeing children’s affections as some kind of competition where you win and mum loses. There is room for everyone in their lives.

It was not my intention to come across as if it were a competition & it's not what I attempt to do.

I think I had hoped they would wish to spend an equal amount of time at our house which is now clear may not be the case & I need to manage my expectations better.

We spend a lot of our time doing normal family stuff ... baking, football & guitar (DP not me 🤣), dinner together, movies, visiting cousins/granny's etc.

There was a moment tonight which got to me, the boys said they were happy they didn't do 7 days in a row at our house, they would miss mum too much (fair enough but next point together really hurt). On another occasion they were not phased at going without seeing us for 4 weeks next summer. It is what it is but it hurt.

The points made have really helped me reflect on our situation to be less invested. I think I will spend more energy on my daughter (who spend 90% with us).

I honestly think it's because mothers by and large do the caring and nurturing.

They are still in the majority in doing school drops and picks, homework, trips to the doctors/dentist etc

That's why mums house feels more like home for children from separated parents.

I would also add that mums tend to know their DC, in terms of their personalities/likes and dislikes, better than their dads.

When it comes to school assemblies or performances...I always remember seeing more mums than dads.

OP exactly same here. Carbon copy of your situation with SKs.

My kids however prefer it with me over their dad and see my house as home, for the reasons mentioned above I think. So it's not what you do, I think it's just about where their mum is.

Try not to take it to heart.

I’ve been in DSS’s life since he was 10 months old, and I do love him as much as I do my own child. We’re currently working up to 50/50 (his mum is reluctant but not actively fighting it) and although I have no doubt that he will end up feeling more “at home” in one place or the other, that doesn’t really make it easy - and if he told us he was not bothered not seeing us for 4 weeks I’d feel absolutely gutted. I feel for you @BackAwayFatty

There was a moment tonight which got to me, the boys said they were happy they didn't do 7 days in a row at our house, they would miss mum too much (fair enough but next point together really hurt). On another occasion they were not phased at going without seeing us for 4 weeks next summer. It is what it is but it hurt

Did you ask them? Or are they volunteering this information? Context is everything. My children are older now but if we go on holiday or for some reason he cancels, they very much are looking forward to seeing him by the time it comes around. And that's children of a father who does nothing at all with them. They do miss him, even though I doubt they would think that they would miss him if he were to ask them outright about it.

It is better that they miss their mum than not, isn't it? And good they feel comfortable enough with you that they can say this stuff without worry of what you might say or do? That sounds to me like a positive, healthy relationship.

You don't need to be hurt that they love their mum and want to spend time with her too.

OP I think one of the hardest things about being a stepparent (or parent, come to that) is putting our own feelings second to theirs.

As PP said, it's a reflection on you that they feel comfortable saying that. It's inevitable that they feel more comfortable at one house than the other. My 12 year old was saying the same this morning. He was dropped off before school (I'm working from home) and said - I like it here better. It feels warmer and cosy and we have the cats.

Dad does all sorts of fab things with them - skiing, adventure type holidays, cycling etc, which he'd miss if he didn't go, and he loves his dad. But it's the creature comforts - his mum, the default go-to he likes about being with me. I'm more nurturing than dad, so I guess he defaults to that.

But each of us has our place. And as I said before, my SKs feel the same about their mum.

You sound really nice, OP, but I second what others have said about not taking it to heart.

After all, your mum is your mum is your mum! And I'm sure your little girl will feel the same about you. Just try to enjoy the time you have with them for what it is.

I enjoyed spending time with my dad, I really did - and often got on with him a lot better too - but for better or worse, my mum was my stable foundation and there was nothing that anyone could have done about that.

Focusing on your little girl is a nice idea when they're not there but please try not to let it slip into subtly and defensively punishing your DSSs by treating them differently for the way they feel about their mum. It's hard to keep giving open-heartedly when you feel second best but it sounds like you've got it in you to be the bigger person and a real stable adult in their lives and they'll look back and admire that when they're grown up.

I understand what you mean OP.

I have 2 SC 6 & 8, when they're with us they're constantly on their devices talking to mummy and it is heart breaking when their dad and I put as much into them maybe more than what their mum does.
They have equal amount of love and home with us as they do with mum but you just can't change the way kids feel.

When I was growing up dads was my home but that's because I didn't have a good relationship with my mum.

Give it time, DP and I have a funny feeling we'll end up with one but not anytime soon - which I will gladly welcome 😊

Sorry I should've mentioned when their with mum we don't hear from them at all!

I had the most amazing dad and luckily my parents never divorced... BUT I still saw my mum as “home”. If I was ill she was all I wanted.
My DP is a wonderful dad, his DDs adore him and see this house as one of their homes and are very happy and comfortable here, but they always refer to their mum’s house as home.

If we’re out together and they want to go back to our house they’ll use the phrase “I want to go home” but sometimes I’ll ask them to clarify which home they mean and they’ll say “Not dad’s home, home home”.
Home home is mum’s house.
I don’t let it bother me. My son sees my house we home and his dad’s house as just that... dad’s home.

I think the vast majority of kids are closer to their mums, don’t take it to heart.

Thanks everyone for taking the time to share & for the kind words.

I do care about them so much & try my best to include them in our home.

I shared my post & comments with my partner too. It was good to have chat about how the boys may see both households & that it's okay to prefer Mums.

We do try to encourage open conversations and I'm happy if they're happy.

I'll continue to do the best I can by them & hopefully in years to come they will look back & appreciate having two households & a big blended family

Same here. SD is almost 14 and always would ask when she's going back to see her mom after 3 days. And that despite getting along super well with me and my son (her age). We then had a baby whom she adored so much that she even tried taking over the mom's role, yet at 12, she stopped any extra visiting other than EOW and she misses it if mom has some other activity on "our" weekends. We have a house where she has a room. Her mother lives in a small appartment full of furniture where SD sleeps in the living room (she slept with mom until she was 12, then mom got a more serious boyfriend and made her a "room" in the living room).
During the covid, SD didn't see her father for over 2 months, her father wanted her to stay with us for a week and guess what? She said no, only the weekend as usual. Found some excuse.
And she gets along well with me, with my son and adores the toddler and of course, loves her dad. When she talks about our house, she sounds like it's her house too (as in "when are we getting a dog"). And funnily enough, she asks if our toddler asks about her when she's not there, so she wants to be missed.
It sucks, but I also decided to stop fussing about it and concentrate on my children, as my older son started noticing that we did more things when she was at ours and I realised that no matter what I do, nothing will change.

OMG What's the competition for? Why does it matter to you that they like your house better than THEIR MOTHER'S???

Don't really see the point of this.

@Anuta77 I'm at the same point where I've realised I was saving family stuff for when they were with us so it was all about doing 'that activity' when they are with us.

I can't put my life on hold for them to come back. The boys do lots of fun stuff with Mum & my daughter deserves some treats without her step-brothers. Taking my daughter to the cinema this weekend & boys can have some quality time with Dad too.

@Amanda87 it wasn't about being better than Mum's house - there's no competition to be the best. Their Mum is their Mum & they love her (rightly so). I think it was more feeling unappreciated but I guess that will happen more as the teenage years approach

Posting has helped me realise that it may not be equal & that's okay. As said previously the goal to move between households with as little upset as possible. I think we do well in that respect. It was a bad day not a bad life & all that!