Step parenting tips needed.

[Nells1nz]

I have 2 step sons, 14 and 10. The 14yr old is happy and easy going. The 10yr old is hard work. His dad constantly tells him he loves him and tries to spend as much time with him as possible. They go mountain biking and doing general boy things. Everytime his dad talks to him on the phone and tells him that he misses him and cant wait to see him next week etc. The 10yr old tells his dad that he doesnt miss him back, doesnt want to come to our house. Lastnight my partner said he was looking forward to going to his sport breakup. 10yr old said he didnt want him to come. My partner asked him if he wanted to see his dad and he said no. He was asked if he wanted to come to our house and he replied "no I dont care if I ever come here again". My partner asked him if he cares if he ever saw dad again? He said "No". My partner said " well thats not a very nice thing to hear from someone you love and care about. He replied that he was just being honest. I mean.... what can you do?

How long have his parents been separated before? It sounds like he’s angry and could potentially benefit from someone (like a therapist) to help him understand and manage his feelings

He's 10. He's looking for reactions and using the breakup of his parents marriage to get them.

Your OH needs to not take them to heart (not always easy).

When his ds says these things, his response should be 'well, I want to see you, even if you don't want to see me, and your mum needs a rest' or 'well I love you, no matter what you think of me. Always will'

He needs to keep it calm, consistent, loving, reassuring.

Yes, parents have been separated for just over 4 years now. I have 2 kids of my own, so a bit of a blended family. This behavior has been ongoing for about a year. First it was that he didn't want to be around me. Which is fine, I go off with my kids and let them have their time together. Then he didn't want to be around my kids (18yrs and 14yrs) who have only ever catered to him, hand and foot. Then he started hating our dog. Now this. His dad has asked his Ex for support. She just says that he shouldn't be punished for being honest and it's not her problem.

And she's right. When dc is at his df's house it is up to df to parent his child.

He needs to ignore the hurt, gently correct the rudeness and reassure, reassure, reassure. Spend time with his son - teach him to play tennis or swim or cycle together. Cook together, Find a shared interest..

No she's not right. That's not good co parenting as it's not being done in the interests of the child. If he's to have a relationship with a stable father like he has, then she should be co parenting with her ex to ensure her children are healthy and happy. What the DS is doing is clearly a sign he is not happy and therefore it absolutely is her issue to help sort out.

OP I do think though that the DS is noticing he can get a reaction out of your DP by saying this stuff. Not saying his comments aren't valid but it does sound like your DP spends a disproportionate amount of time indulging them. Discussion should be about the root causes rather than the issue itself- does he not want to come because he misses his friends? Is it residual feelings about his dad going to live with another family?

If it has been going on for a long time it sounds like he might still be struggling with the fact his dad has moved not just out of his family but into another family with other DC. I don't know what the answer is there as I'm no expert at all in these situations but I do agree that some therapy might help him process his feelings around his circumstances.

Also, would it hurt to indulge him and let him stay at home one weekend while his brother goes? If he genuinely doesn't want to go this will become apparent, and other methods of communication can be used with his DF on the week of no visit. His brother still needs to go ofc.

We've had exactly the same and I'm afraid there is nothing you can do about it.
DSS refuses all contact with us and his mum won't do anything to help facilitate a healthy relationship as she says it's his choice. She has poisoned him against us, is it a possibility his mum could of done the same?
Courts won't do anything because of his age and if you force him to stay with you he will hate you more, you can't win in this situation. You will always come off the bad guys, make him stay and you're evil, don't see him and you don't care about him.
We get and appreciate DSS has his own mind but at the same time feel his mum could of encouraged him to answer his phone instead of letting him rule the roost and constantly play video games.
We don't try and force it now because it's pointless and causes stress in our family. DH sends a weekly text asking if he's ok and how's school etc, we never get anything back but just want to let him know we are still there for if and when he's ready.
Maybe you should look at doing the same.
DSS is also 10 and this started when he was 5 and since he was 7 we've seen him maybe 5 times and every time has been a battle and complete nightmare.

I'll just add his mother let's us have no say in his upbringing and we only found out what school he attends by chance.
She moves him a lot and they live 70miles away from us.
Could your DH pick his son up just for the day and him not stay overnight for a while? XX