Can anyone tell me positive step parent stories please

[Wheelyyyy]

Im not a step parent as yet...been with DP for a long time and he has 3 children that he has 50/50. Im much more involved in their daily lives.

Its scary but lovely. Theres cetainly been the challenging moment and Im sure there are more to come...I suspect its standard.

Its scary on the basis that I love DP and I can say I love and want the best for his children. If we were ever to split, I would miss him and them. I have found or am finding it hard to strike the right balance...between being involved but not too involved.

Ive balanced it in my mind as being a type of grandmother role lol
Where you get to do lots of nice things, but not have a say. Were you can only support both parents and never say a bad word.

I dont live with DP but we stay together 6 nights a week either him at mine or me at his. This has grown over time. I tend to leave him one night / day with the kids....he says they ask for me. I wonder should I facetime them briefly to say hello but i havent on the basis, it almost feels Im overstepping the mark.

A while ago I had the moment were his youngest turned to me and said you cant tell me what to do because your not my mum. She was jumping from settee to settee and back again. DP came home (he'd only nipped to the sainsburys shop) and spoke with dc to say jumping on furniture not ok and that I have permission to tell them to stop misbeaving when they are.

I see lots of threads talking about the dificulties of a step parent but not many positives. Thats scary. Can anyone share there positive stepparent stories please

My DSS is the loveliest guy you would ever meet. I have never had any difficulties with him. He is now 13, I met him when he was 10.

He respects me as an adult and if I ask him to do something or point out he shouldn't be doing something (very rare, as he is so great!) he listens to me and responds politely.

We my DP and I got engaged, he text me saying congratulations and that he was really happy. He did know his DP was going to ask, and was excited, so I felt, and feel, so loved by him.

Not everything is rosy, I have continuous problems with my SDD and although she also has her lovely moments, I find myself dreading her visits. I remind myself that she is young and I hope things will improve with time. Her DM did not take kindly to DP setting up his new family, if you will, despite already having her new family. Hopefully, he DM will eventually just let us get on with our life and things will improve for DSD so she doesn't feel torn between loyalty to her DM and wanting to love me.

A while ago I had the moment were his youngest turned to me and said you cant tell me what to do because your not my mum. She was jumping from settee to settee and back again. DP came home (he'd only nipped to the sainsburys shop) and spoke with dc to say jumping on furniture not ok and that I have permission to tell them to stop misbeaving when they are.

Sorry, I don't have many warm and fuzzy stories but I can say that I have never had an issue with my step child telling me I don't have the authority to tell them off. Your DH should really avoid telling them directly that you have his "permission" to tell them off, as though this isn't default. Does he have to do the same thing about their teachers?

My SC (and my DD) know that any adult their parents leave them in the charge of, has the authority to tell them off if they misbehave. You really don't need to tiptoe around them so much. Don't worry too much or overthink, it all seems like it's going quite smoothly and boundaries are good!

I am not a step-parent I am a stepchild. I was 5.5 when my stepfather came into my life. I called him the other day for his birthday My sister, her daughter & my youngest daughter (who currently lives in DK) was there for a visit.

Today he is having a birthday lunch with my late mothers family (he doesn't have much left just 1 sister who lives far away) There will be quite a few of them (not in the UK so different lock down rules) and they will have a good time..

My children call him "bedstefar" (granddad - but in Danish, you usually difference between mums parents and dads parents so this is more generic My father is morfar) My youngest is named after my stepfathers' father (my step grandad) with her middlename (the feminine version)

There is always some issues when there is a step parent, however, I think the Danish have a better expression as the word step is rarely used they use "bonus parent / bonus child" It gives a positive slant to it I like. & yes my Bonus dad and his family was a bonus for me as a child and I am happy they have been in my life.

Hopefully this is something like what you were after OP.

I'm a stepmother and a stepdaughter. My Dad's wife is a nightmare frankly and I am endlessly grateful they didn't meet until after I had left home!
My SC's on the other hand are part of my family. I've known them a long time now, nearly 20 years. We all get on just fine.
It has helped that DH's ex is a perfectly sane and kind person and our mutual families have accepted each other.
I can't say it's always been easy and there have been irritations and resentment, but I think that is actually pretty normal in most families!
Actually I think your DH explicitly giving you agency to enforce the family rules and boundaries is fine.
Personally I think the role of a stepparent is to support the parents. Plus (my feminist side grieves slightly at this) to help with the domestic load.
If you have a good connection with your SC's that's nice, but I think providing them with a welcoming home, clean clothes and the food they like goes a long way. But, they may not immediately appreciate it and you don't necessarily get the same emotional reward you do from caring about your own kids.
Lots of tensions can arise from kids being born into blended families. Fair doesn't always mean the same. But, in my experience having DD actually made us work better as a family.

@Enko that sounds lovely 😊
For 2 years so far it's been easy for us but as we have moved in together this year the dynamics changed slightly. My DD often tells DP he isnt her Dad 🙄yet deep down loves him. My DSD is lovely but very spoilt in a way mine arent because she is an only child so that has caused a few issues between her and my DC. Alot of things I say go back to her mum who then rings my DP, she overheard me saying her Dad "babies her" which he does (cutting food up for a 8 year old, dressing her etc)but her and her Mum took offence to it.

@Enko
There is always some issues when there is a step parent, however, I think the Danish have a better expression as the word step is rarely used they use "bonus parent / bonus child" It gives a positive slant to it I like. & yes my Bonus dad and his family was a bonus for me as a child and I am happy they have been in my life.

Yes, I am a "bonusfar" in Denmark and feel that stepparents are viewed more positively here in general.

I had SDs 6 & 10 and my own little girl of 18 months. I've lived with them a bit over 4 years. I was walking with SD10 and the toddler by the local pond at the weekend and told SD10 that the little one was very lucky to have her as a sister. She replied that she was very lucky to have me as a dad. We agreed that she had a very good deal.

It was touching and typical of my experience as a stepparent.

I do know that Stepdads have it easier in general though, although I know my partner will be lovely to anyone potential SM who treats the girls well - in fact she was very annoyed at her ex for breaking up with his last girlfriend - she was lovely to the girls and they adored her :(

I have been a SM for 15 years and there have been times I could and probably should have walked away. None of my friends were SP and didn't really get it and DH's Ex has been a nightmare at best.

The worst part for me is how damaging she has been to her DC's and having to sit back over the years and see how she tried her hardest to paint me and DH as the terrible and strict parents and herself as the bestie (neither DC see her or speak to her, which actually breaks my heart for them but is best).

The best part has been watching the DC's grow and develop into lovely young adult/older teen and my adorable DGS. The fact that DSD wants for her LO the type of family environment that she has at ours and is at ours regularly with them. The absolute faith she has in both DH and myself to care for her LO despite his complex care needs - it makes me feel honored to be part of it all and I wouldn't trade it now despite the tough times.

I've been a stepmum for 15 years, since my SS was 3, and now he's 18. It has not always been easy but I'm happy to say that overall it has been a really rewarding experience for me!

My best advice to you is to EVOLVE as the children grow, and be to them what they need at the time they need it. I don't know if you have kids of your own, OP, but a lot of parenting comes down to that anyway.

I became a (sort of) stepmum in my early twenties and saw it as a fun friend/aunty type role to begin with. As my SS grew up and I had kids of my own, that role became sometimes more, and sometimes less, depending on the situation.

Once I had my own kids my perspective changed massively, because of course you see things differently when you're responsible for your own kids.

We had a lot of conflict between the two families when my own kids were small, and I think in hindsight a lot of that was down to my own need to control their environment. Nothing is ever simple when you have to factor in another family's schedule, another way of doing things. It can make you feel, as a new parent, like you're doing things wrong or being judged.

But actually all families are different and that's okay. My biggest piece of advice to you would be to decide on your own boundaries within your house, and not judge what goes on elsewhere. Ultimately, those kids have their own parents who will decide what is okay or not okay.

Things were at times very difficult for us, and for the other family. One thing I've always tried to keep in mind is that they are just people. Regardless of the emotions that are driving you or the kids crazy, remember that they are just people too. Just as it is easy to demonise the step-parent, it's also easy to fall into the trap of demonising the ex-wife. Try to rise above that and remember that she is a human too.

Letting your kids go over to see their dad with his new partner is soul destroying for many mums, try to bear that in mind. It's not personal.

Now that our collective group of kids are all teenagers, me, the dad, and the mum, are all pretty good friends. I think that is entirely possible for step parenting situations, no matter how hard it seems right now.

We have learned between us that some of us are better at certain aspects of parenting and share the load between us. Of course we still argue from time to time (although these days mostly I butt out because it's none of my business... thank god!) The stakes seem lower when the kids are older.

On that note, trust me, things will get better. And even if they don't, it's not a permanent situation. Try to be welcoming and treat your stepkids the way you would have wanted to be treated if you were them. Don't expect them to meet you in the middle: YOU ARE THE ADULT! It's your job to set boundaries and be accommodating emotionally.

My stepson is a lovely young man, he's not the most emotionally available, but he shows his affection in his own way. I try not to be his mum; he has his own. But I hope he always knows I'm here for him whenever he needs me.

OP, I think you're pretty switched on about this already, as long as you figure out what your role is in this scenario, you will be fine. And step parenting is wonderful! And massively under rated. I love it, and am insanely proud of my (step) boy, always!

@PuzzleBox that’s lovely advise thanks!