Step parent stress!

[Jammy90]

Hi,

So a bit of a rant and some advice needed.
I have been with my partner for 5 years and lived together for 4. He has a daughter from a previous relationship who most of the time I get on well with.
My problem is i work Monday - Friday and my partner works away during the week, at the weekends he has his child from 4pm Friday until 6pm Sunday and then leaves to travel back to work, so we spend very little time together. If my partner is off during the week and my step daughters mother finds out she is constantly ringing him to see if the daughter can stay so it’s very rare we get time alone. Also, I’m slightly annoyed as my step daughters mother goes out every weekend drinking, I’m not jealous of this as I don’t drink anyway but what annoys me is the impact this has on my life, sometimes she is to hungover to come and get her daughter so I have to look after her, the final straw was a couple of weekends ago, she got so drunk she fell over and has fractured her leg and said she is unable to take her daughter to school and asked my partner if he could take the week of work to do this, luckily he has a flexible job and was able to do so. However, I work long hours during the week and each night we have had my stepdaughter coming in my bedroom crying waking us both up and my partner is happy for her to get into our bed but I am not! We have had blazing arguments regarding this, I feel he should get up and put his daughter back to bed and comfort her and then come back to bed as this is just creating bad habits. I am going to work exhausted and getting more and more angry at my partners ex as I feel that she gets to escape her responsibilities, not only at the weekend but now during the week due to her drunken behaviour. I might add my partners takes all the school holidays off to have his daughter and she also stayed with us throughout lock down, I have no objection to her staying and want her to feel at home here but I am so tired, tired in general and tired of being put on the back burner. I love my step daughter but she has a lot of bad manners like interrupting me when I try and talk to her dad so most of the time now I just give up and stay out the way. I’m starting to feel like a second class citizen in my own home. I’ve spoken to my partner about the bad manners as he is trying to correct that, however when it comes to me not wanting her to sleep in my bed he’s called me a jealous psychopath!
Sorry to go on, I’m just fed up of the whole thing, I feel like he’s happy for me to cook her dinners, make pack lunches, look after her when he’s not home but then can’t respect my wishes about maybe trying to spend a little time together and the whole bed thing.

Oh I see he’s made you default childminder as a lot of men tend to do. All the donkey work but no say in rules / boundaries. Sod that...you need to step back and leave the parenting to him. Packed lunches, entertaining, the lot. If he’s at work then he needs to organise childcare. Make yourself unavailable.

I wouldn’t tolerate a child that’s not my own in my bed either.

I hope you stopped making lunches after he called you a jealous psychopath!
Many men take their partner for granted, it happened to me as well, so I no longer run to feed SD when she's hungry.
How old is SD? My SD slept with my partner until she was 9 (!) and we also had fights, but he understood. Maybe it's the way you say it which has an effect.

I would also understand that knowing that the mother is drinking, he feels the need to be there for SD even more compared to if the mother was responsible. However, he has to realize that his partner needs time too, but what you're describing sounds very difficult. Try to talk to him calmly at some point telling him that you miss spending quality time with him (without mentionning his daughter) and finish by asking: how could we do that? So that he's the one who comes up with a solution. Because when we push and guilt, many men just become defensive.

I was thinking about different approaches to your problems until I got to the end of your post about being called a ‘jealous psychopath’!!

So my advice is that this guy has a LOT of commitments and doesn’t seem to appreciate the regular support you provide. If his response to a problem is to insult you then it’s going to be a long hard slog to turn things around.

I may have missed how old DSD is but she sounds young. So potentially many many more years of this. And if he’s unable or unwilling to set boundaries for his ex then it’s hard to see what’s in this relationship for you. Sorry, OP.

Go to bed naked. See how he feels about his kid sleeping in your bed then.
Honestly, if he’s expecting you to do as much as you do, the very least he could do is make sure your bed is for you and him only and sort make efforts to sort her sleep out so that you both can sleep too.
This isn’t too much to expect.

He called you a what now?!

I’ve got a few thoughts about what you describe but the first and primary one is do you really want to stay in this relationship? If so do you know why? Eg what positives being with him brings to your life?

I agree you need to make it clear that the bed thing isn’t happening. If you aren’t comfortable with a child being in your bed it shouldn’t be happening. He wants that because it’s easier. Also step back from lots of parenting duties as others have suggested. I have tried to do the same with my DP, I have made it clear I won’t be included at some times and then not at others when it suits. I’m either in or out. So If I don’t get included in other things, I don’t do parenting either. Obviously I do the basics and I don’t leave any of the children out or just do stuff for my own or anything like that. But if it’s just SC here, I let my DP step in to do the parenting duties and I take a step back.

more and more angry at my partners ex as I feel that she gets to escape her responsibilities,

Sounds like she takes care of their child more than 50% of the time?
I think it's him you should be annoyed with, rather than her particularly. He is the one who is taking you for granted with regard to assisting with childcare.

I wouldn't actually bother continuing with a relationship like this though, where you only see eachother at weekends and even then there's so little 'alone time'. Unless you enjoy it, what's the point.

What's the point in being in this relationship? I'm firmly of the belief that no matter how wonderful your partner is and how much you love them, if you never get to see them without their kids there (and aren't coparenting) you're not really having a proper relationship. This is the sort of stuff you're supposed to weather for the sake of the other stuff, but in this case there is no other stuff!

And on top of that, he's happy for this situation to have a negative impact on you but calls you a "jealous psychopath" for speaking up about it? Really think about those words and what they say about his level of appreciation for the many sacrifices and allowances you are making to be in a relationship with him. Ask yourself why you think it's worth it, because it really, really doesn't sound it. He doesn't deserve to be in a relationship with you.

While you say that you're not jealous of how DSDs mother spends her child free time, you're obviously judging her. By the sounds of your post, the mother cares for her child all throughout the week, no doubt does the lions share of the actual life admin, school runs, packed lunches, dinners etc for this child as a result? How her mother spends her child free time is absolutely none of your business. If you find that it's impacting your life in anyway i.e. she's too hungover to collect child, then just refuse. This is not your child and therefore not your responsibility.

The circumstances in which she broke her leg is also none of your business... again, you're judging her. You say that your DP was easily able to take the week off to do the school runs so therefore what effect did this have on you?

I understand the bed issue, I wouldn't be comfortable with this either but sharing a bed with your own DC is so lovely so maybe your DP can soothe and sleep with his DD in her bed when she wakes. There will be a day when DD doesn't want to snuggle your DP in bed so he should make the most of those lovely moments imo.

In regards the bad manners... how old is this child? My DS interrupts me all the time, children will be children, they will interrupt, act out, be rude etc.

The issue here seems to be that your DP doesn't make time for you. That is an issue between you and him and actually doesnt seem to be as a result of his DD or his Ex. If you feel you're on the back burner then you probably are... because you have settled down with a man who has a child and she will (rightly) always be his first priority.... but you need to talk to him about setting aside time purely for your relationship.
If you're cooking for/caring for his child and this is bothering you... then just stop. As I already said, she is not your child and not your responsibility.

Bleh..you are entitled to have boundaries. There is NO WAY I would agree to being woken up by a SC and no way I would agree to share my bed with a SC...

Your partner is failing you and it would be a deal breaker.

He isn't a partner - he def doesn't class you as one. You are the nanny. .
Get rid op. Him and his ex are using twats..

wow, where is your actual relationship, I see none 😱