Active discussions

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Original poster

Miscommunication over room.....

46 replies

Songbird232018 · 14/09/2020 18:25

So we currently have a 3 bed house large room for us, large double for SD 14 and our DS (2) and a small room with bunk beds for SS 13 and SS 17 they stay EOW and some holidays but not half maybe 1/4.

Now at their mums the older boys have shared for years but 2 years ago they got a extension off the kitchen and each boy had there own room.. now last month they were told they had to share again as there are another couple for children in the house too and they decided the daughter needed her own room.

None of our business and we haven't really got involved other than listening to the boys moan a bit about having to share.

Now we have always planned on our home to do a loft conversion with a third floor proper stair case etc this will be done next September. Me and DP were discussing this and the boys have assumed they will be having separate rooms here.

I've said no because we want a guest room as family travels and stays regular but cannot stay with us currently because we don't have a double bed or space. I've said by all means their weekend one of them can use the room for gaming etc and even sleep up there but it will not be an official room for someone that they can decorate and use to Store stuff because I really want it to be guest room.

It's hard because it feels like most of our upstairs lies dormant for most of the month anyway (2 year old is still with us for the next few months before moving in with SD) and I don't want another room taken that I can't use for other purposes once claimed...

Does that seem unreasonable?

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
Set a reminder
Themostwonderfultimeoftheyear · 14/09/2020 18:28

Why can't they have the room most of the time and go back to sharing when guests come?

lunar1 · 14/09/2020 18:30

You have 4 children between you, you don't have the luxury of a guest room.

Original poster
Songbird232018 · 14/09/2020 18:34

Because I don't want it decorated with posters everywhere etc etc we let them have a lot of input in their rooms and I know they will want to do it up and I want it a certain I want it to be suitable for whoever might stay over visiting. Plus the arguement said over who gets it I'd rather just be no one from the get go!

They can 100% sleep their on the weekends but if we have guests I don't want the drama of them being 'kicked out' their room when this happens.

They are desperate to claim their own space and I get that but it seems such a waste of space and money for it to be empty all but 4 nights a month.

OP posts:
Maybe83 · 14/09/2020 20:22

How many nights a month will you be using it as a guest room?

I think its entirely possible that with the ages they are that the room can be given to one of them and decorated in a way that isn't unusable as a guest room.
Same with storage, put in a chest of drawers that is used only for the use of guests.

If there are any issues on the use of the room or having to share when guests visit then the room is taken back. But if any one should be getting it, it should be your SD. So her and your ds have their own rooms and the boys share.

aSofaNearYou · 14/09/2020 20:23

You just need to tell them that they can sleep in there but they cannot decorate it in a non neutral way. Neither me or my sister were allowed to do that growing up. I had a couple of posters up and when guests stayed over I had to stay in my sisters room and take the posters down. It was never an issue. Maybe let them have a couple of posters, which are easy to take down if someone comes over.

Having said all that, I wouldn't do it if they were messy kids and weren't going to keep the room clean and tidy.

I'd also be questioning giving two full sibling boys a room each whilst giving a teenage step daughter and a toddler a room to share. I know the room is bigger but the children will be very different with very different needs (and thoughts on decorsting), so that seems odd logic to me.

TitianaTitsling · 14/09/2020 20:27

Is it your family or dh's family who will be staying?

LeonieMacaroni · 14/09/2020 20:29

I don't get why the priority isn't to have the room for either your DS or SD who probably need their own space more than the SS's of same sex and similar age? Doesn't sound like you have space to have the luxury of a guest room but I also don't think you ABU to tell the SS's it's tough they are sharing.

AllsortsofAwkward · 14/09/2020 20:37

Not at all approaite for 14 year old girl going through puberty to share with a 2 year old boy. As pp said you don't have the luxury of a guest room when you have 4 kids, you want to keep a room empty and spite a child from having their own space.

TitianaTitsling · 14/09/2020 21:19

Does sd live with you? Really expecting her to share with a 2yo to let adhoc tellies stay? Are you hoping she deals with the night terrors and wake ups?

Original poster
Songbird232018 · 14/09/2020 22:32

Oh no she stays the amount as the boys, my 2 years sleeps in a bed in our room full time right now but we are wanting to transition him into his room over the next weeks. I think when SD stays he will probably stay in with us it's her choice they are very close but I do respect she might not want to share all the time.

OP posts:
BunnyLovesBananas · 14/09/2020 22:36

YANBU

Because this is a step situation there is a good chance you will be told you are wrong

There is nothing wrong with wanting a guest room especially if the boys are allowed to sleep in their just not make it "theirs"

You want a nice guest room, not a smelly teenage boy's room!

bogoffmda · 14/09/2020 22:58

You've got to feel some sympathy for both the boys in both houses- no space and rapidly developing teens.

Lets be honest by the time the loft conversion gets done the 17 yr old will be leaving home and then it is no longer an issue.

Frankola · 15/09/2020 10:24

I'd just tell them that it needs to be decorated as you decide for guests but they can sleep there when they are with you if they want.

It needs multiple functions, as you've said. If they are only there a couple of nights a week it doesn't need to be decorated like a teenage boys room!

Bloomburger · 15/09/2020 10:27

Will your guests really be mortally offended at having a couple of posters on the wall?

All very strange. I'd just be grateful someone was providing me with accommodation regardless of the decor!

Veterinari · 15/09/2020 10:36

How many days/month will you have guests?
Can't it be a room the SS use with neutral decor?

aSofaNearYou · 15/09/2020 10:38

*Will your guests really be mortally offended at having a couple of posters on the wall?

All very strange. I'd just be grateful someone was providing me with accommodation regardless of the decor!*

I don't think it's likely it would just be a couple of posters - lots of teenagers absolutely plaster their walls with them and also tend to keep their rooms in general squalor.

Guests would be more likely to have an issue with that.

SleepingStandingUp · 15/09/2020 10:40

Is the new room going to be bigger then the boys room? Would an option be for them to move up there? I do think really SD needs her own room even of it's on the agreement guests can use it if she's not there. I wonder just how keen she genuinely is to sleep with the baby, have to be super quiet going to bed because he's already asleep, get woken up early by him etc.

ShinyGreenElephant · 15/09/2020 10:48

SD gets the loft conversion, done up nicely so guests can use it when shes not there. Boys sharing and DS in the large double as 2yo need space for toys plus he is there full time. A 14yo girl and a toddler sharing is ridiculous imo, my 11yo and my 2yo girls could not be closer but in a million years I wouldnt have them sharing a bedroom

AnneLovesGilbert · 15/09/2020 10:53

I’m with ShinyGreenElephant

It might work for now but a 15 year old and a 3 year old, 16 and 4 etc isn’t going to work at all.

WooMaWang · 15/09/2020 10:54

It’s hard to produce general teenage squalor in 4 days a month really. Especially when there are only 2 consecutive nights in a row.

Personally, I think guest rooms are the sort of thing you have when one of the rooms is truly spare. Otherwise, you can just temporarily relocate people when there are guests. And the guest can just accept the decor. It’s a family home not a hotel.

How many bedrooms will there be when the loft conversion is done? I don’t really understand why there isn’t a proper plan for a dedicated bedroom for the toddler that lives in the house full time. Nor do I understand why the boys are complaining when their sister gets to share with a small child at all times.

If it’s not going to be 5 bedrooms, put the SD in one upstairs room (with a double bed that can also be used for guests), the SSes in the other one, and give the toddler the other room. You can even put a bloody double bed in there and kick the toddler out if there are guests if you like. But decorate it like a small child’s room not some sort of pseudo hotel room.

Gazelda · 15/09/2020 11:02

What is your DP's opinion?

Is there any way the loft could be converted to 2 small rooms for the boys?

It just isn't practical or fair for SD to share with your DS. She needs her own room. Could she have the small room, DS have the large room and the DSSs have upstairs?

To be honest, I agree with other posters who say that you don't have the luxury of being able to have a designated guest room. If I were a guest staying over at a family member's house, I'd feel lucky to have a bed for the night, let alone a designated guest room which isn't touched between guests. What a waste of a room when there are 4 children in the family.

Mintjulia · 15/09/2020 11:07

Or by the time the loft conversion is done, the 17yo may want a girlfriend to stay and therefore be unwilling to share with his little brother !

I really don't think you have space for the luxury of a guest room.

ExtremelyBoldSquirrels · 15/09/2020 11:26

I do understand the feeling that you’ve got rooms sitting empty most of the time. Really I do.

Here we have 5 bedrooms (4 very large doubles, one single). DH and I share the biggest room, which has an ensuite. Our DS is a tiny baby so he’s in with us for a while yet.

The small room was my DS1’s until he moved out (he’s 20 and works in another city). It’s currently a home office with a single bed in it. My DS2, DSD and DSS have DH’s other large double rooms. DS2 is here 11/14 nights so his room is usually in use. The DSC are here EOW and a night in the week, so their rooms sit empty more of the time than they are used.

Currently the plan is to have DS3 in the small room once he’s in need of a room, and DH to set up a home office in the corner of our bedroom. But longer term, and especially if he’s working at home pretty much all the time (if offices don’t return to normal - and his job can be done pretty much permanently from home), that may not be sustainable. And it probably won’t be fair for DS3 to be stuck full time in the small room (it’s much, much smaller than the others) while two lovely spacious bedrooms sit empty the majority of the time.

It’s a bridge to cross when we come to it. But I can already say that it’s unlikely to be fun trying to get DH to even contemplate doing anything that doesn’t make the DSC the Most Important or which they might complain about. But I’ll just have to wait and see.

And all that’s without me trying to keep a spare guest room that will definitely sit empty pretty much all the time. I can’t believe your DH would be on board with all this sharing just to enable that.

Sunshinehousexo · 15/09/2020 11:38

We've got a 4 bed house. DSS in the smallest, stays every other weekend, me and DH in the biggest, toddler second biggest and baby in the smaller. DSS still has enough room to play computer etc but doesn't need the floor space etc.

Guests can stay over (DH family live far away) but they stay on a blow up bed. I don't see why the guest room can't go to one of the kids and them just share when needed....

CorianderLord · 15/09/2020 13:01

A toddler in with the 14 year old? That's not ideal... she'll be staying up much later surely? Baby should stay with you I think.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.