No rules at mum's house

[Vector5]

I'm really struggling with DSC who come to stay with me and their dad and just bark at each other and are generally rude. They have no rules at their mum's house and are very put out by having bedtimes and an expectation of manners with us.
I have DC and expect the same from all of them. OH tries to put his foot down but feels guilt about having left them.
We've been together 5 years. Will this ever improve?

How old are the kids.

Doesn't sound promising given the time you've been together.

What sort of contact do you have with them and how old are they?
How much does their behaviour impact your children?

They have no rules at their mum's house and are very put out by having bedtimes and an expectation of manners with us.

What, no rules at all? It is an absolute free for all and they do what they want, when they want, without any adult direction?

It’s the same with our DSS.

Seems lack of structure, no structure over meal times (he refuses to eat anything but sweet stuff a lot of the time) and a ‘my mum says yes to me all the time and gives me what I want’ attitude.

We do struggle with him when we don’t have him for longer durations of time. When my partner did a parenting course for split families, he learned that children are able to be flexible to follow different rules at two different households. So it is possible.

We have resorted to my partner having a chat and a reminder to him of Expected behaviour before He comes back to our home and it seems to work better than having the rude behaviour first, tension and upset in the house and then the one to one chats afterwards. I’d suggest your partner has that pep talk with them first to guide them in to what is expected. We had a much better outcome this weekend as a result of me having a talk with my son and him with his Beforehand. In fact, we had a belting weekend and nobody got upset!

How old are they and why did he leave them?

I expect their mother does have rules but is worn down.

They probably regard going to dads as a bit of a holiday.

I wouldn't worry about bedtimes but would hate them bickering all the time. Maybe they will make some friends local to you which would solve a lot of problems.

Been here, took a long time to get DP on board as like yours he agreed that DSS couldn't sit up all night on games consoles and live off chicken nuggets and cocopops but felt guilty telling DSS off as didn't want to upset him when DSS was with him. We had the added complication that DSS would play Mum and Dad off against each.
Eventually I told DP either we worked together or we split as it wasn't going to work. I also offered that, if he wasn't comfortable doing things the way I did them then if he could come up with alternatives he was comfortable with we'd give those a go.
I have had to make one or two compromises along the way (I'm now a bit more flexible with non school day bedtimes for example) but he's had to as well and DSS is now reluctantly more accepting.

@jessstan2 parents do not leave their children they leave the child's other parent.

Also depending on the child's age bedtimes are important. Primary school children and even younger secondary school-aged children can behave poorly if they don't have enough sleep.

OP your DH "tries". No he just needs to do it and consistently stick to it with you and any other adult relations/close family friends' they see in your time backing him up. Myself, who was a step-child, and now my SC we were both told that if we are in another adult's, house particularly without our parents, we follow their rules. As a result my SC behaves better with us than their mother.

@sassbott

What sort of contact do you have with them and how old are they? How much does their behaviour impact your children?

They stay every weekend. My kids love them which is brilliant and makes me really happy. It's just me that finds it all hard as the years I brought mine up alone I was so strict about manners, bedtimes etc that I struggle with kids who are the complete opposite in how they have been brought up

They are between 14 and 9.

@unmarkedbythat

They have no rules at their mum's house and are very put out by having bedtimes and an expectation of manners with us.

What, no rules at all? It is an absolute free for all and they do what they want, when they want, without any adult direction?

That's right. They stay up all hours, the eldest feels he is the man of the house there and even tries to tell the others off as it doesnt happen. They are online at midnight trying to chat with my kids.

I've been a single mum before, one with chronic illnesses who worked, and I still managed to have rules. Even with no support from their dad. I'm not mum bashing just stating a fact.

@Themadcatparade

It’s the same with our DSS.

Seems lack of structure, no structure over meal times (he refuses to eat anything but sweet stuff a lot of the time) and a ‘my mum says yes to me all the time and gives me what I want’ attitude.

We do struggle with him when we don’t have him for longer durations of time. When my partner did a parenting course for split families, he learned that children are able to be flexible to follow different rules at two different households. So it is possible.

We have resorted to my partner having a chat and a reminder to him of Expected behaviour before He comes back to our home and it seems to work better than having the rude behaviour first, tension and upset in the house and then the one to one chats afterwards. I’d suggest your partner has that pep talk with them first to guide them in to what is expected. We had a much better outcome this weekend as a result of me having a talk with my son and him with his Beforehand. In fact, we had a belting weekend and nobody got upset!

Actually we did that when we first moved in and I think it's a great suggestion. We've had time apart as a family recently for reasons like shielding and so we need to try and get back to how it was. It had become quite nice in alot of ways. I think I had forgotten that

@jessstan2

How old are they and why did he leave them?

I expect their mother does have rules but is worn down.

They probably regard going to dads as a bit of a holiday.

I wouldn't worry about bedtimes but would hate them bickering all the time. Maybe they will make some friends local to you which would solve a lot of problems.

He left their mum not them. And he has had them every weekend and one week night since they split about 7 years ago (apart from some time during lockdown) so please don't confuse the two.

Are you able to get clarity on what the kids are claiming they are allowed to do versus the reality? Of course it may be true but I’d want to be sure first?

We know children are brilliant at adapting to different behaviours. They do this all the time. So if their mother really has no rules, then don’t fight that, just set yours and stick to them.

Not sure I can see their ages but the teen years will be tricky for boundaries anyway, Your DH needs to show them he is serious and set boundaries which are in the best interests of the children, regardless of what happens elsewhere.

We have a similar situation with my dsd - she games all day and all night at home, often until 4am according to her mum. Here we have no consoles and a 3hr phone limit, which causes daily tears and accusations of child cruelty. She also 'wont' keep her room tidy, help out at all, eat anything other than junk food at home. We have different expectations at our house and its a constant battle - my DH usually deals with it but does have disney dad tendencies so can be a bit wishy washy about it. Both dss5 and dd2 are far better at tidying up and eating proper food than her, and she's 10. Cant see it getting any better as she gets into her teen years either

I think it's a question of perception. Transition is hard, and parenting is all opinion. They're unlikely to respond positively to a new set of rules that neither of their parents has set up. I hear a lot of SMs saying that their SC's mum has no rules... the reality is that often the rules are just different. Maybe stricter, maybe less strict, maybe different. But that's their choice as their mum.

Even couples who are together parent differently (you alluded to it yourself) - it's a question of realising that people have different value sets and we all think we are right. Of course we do.

FWIW OP I've been where you are now! I ended up leaving the parenting to their parents and focusing on parenting my own kids. I don't like loads of online time either - but that's my opinion. My mental health improved no end when I came to this realisation! Because all that was happening was that the relationship with the SC was turning more sour by the day, and I was getting angry too. It's tough, this blended family lark! I feel for you.