When to tell 7yr old about dad

[Funkymonkry1995]

Hey my sons dad stopped having contact when he was 1yrs old he's now 7. He's never really noticed that he don't have a dad or said anything about it. He knows other kids have dad's but I think for a sort period he thought grandads and dads where the same thing as we lived with his grandad for a few years. I now have a new partner who I've been with for 3yrs we have a baby together 8months old he had taken my 7yr old in as his own he don't call him dad hes allways called him by his name.
When do you think its best to tell him about his real dad. Its a strange one as he don't think my new partner is his dad and he don't ask about his dad. Thanks

In my opinion, when a child wants to know something, they will ask. He may be processing things in his own way, and you sitting down to talk to him about it before he feels he is ready might make things worse for him.

I would wait, at least for a little while.

Wait until he asks.

It will come at an awkward time e.g. when you are driving somewhere.

have they done family tree at school? they did at my dc thing possibly yr2/3 ... maybe ask the school...

failing that do you have any photos / contacts with your ex family/facebook or something...
what info do you have... Its important for him to know and also you never know if the info may become important..(health genetics mainly)
we have a fractured family - not quite teh same... bt I subtly woudl say something like - you look like your dad/ your hair/ your dad was good at football as well
just humanise... you dont have to explain too much - dont make stuff /excuses reasons why he 's not around but it is important..

the younger the better really so not big surprises...

Hey I have a pic of me my son and his dad together that I've kept for when he does ask I know all of his dad's family but none of them want anything to do with my son. His dad isn't allowed contact with my son because of his abusive behaviour and he also had a restraining order for stalking us which has now ended. He hasn't tried to contact me or show any interest in his son at all unfortunately. When I did meet up with him he was just interested in me very controlling I know my son is better of without him but it's only fair that he knows who his dad is no matter what he was like right?

I think what others have said is good idea. To wait till he asks me? No point me putting something on him that he isn't asking about right.

Thank you for the replys sorry for long reply thought I'd tell you the background

@Funkymonkry1995 I have had no contact with my 'dad' (let's call him Dave) since I was about 3yo. He was granted no parental rights in court and was not allowed any contact with me.

Because there were serious safety concerns, I did know about Dave and what he looked like. I had to be told I could never go with him if he ever turned up at the school, etc.

Whilst I earlier advocated for waiting, if there are some potential safety concerns, you might need to talk to your DS sooner. You don't need to go into any details about what his dad was like, the things he did, etc. If your DS wants to know what he was like, then he can ask you. However, what you don't want is dad to turn up one day and for DS to want to go out for the day with him, not knowing any potential dangers.

I’m coming from an adoption perspective with this, so a different scenario.

I actively bring up my sons birth parents, he has started too now as well. Not only does this normalise the information I give him it also shows him he can ask. Hes five, he knows in an age appropriate way why his birth parents couldn’t look after him. So abusive behaviour could be turned into something simple like “he couldn’t keep you safe” “he hurt me and I was scared he might hurt you” one thing I would stress though is to use a positive example relating to yourself, so “he couldn’t keep you safe, but mum and step-dad will always keep you safe”. Information can also be used to show that it isn’t his fault that his dad doesn’t see him etc.

Pictures are useful, he may be interested in having a photo of his dad in his room (in a drawer for example) that he can look at when he wants to. I have a photo of my sons birth mum in his room, no photo of birth dad as unfortunately we don’t know who he is. I know he sometimes looks at it because he will often tell me that he has been looking at ‘Jane’.

Whether you bring it up or wait for him make sure you always have something prepared so if he does surprise you with a question one day you can answer fairly confidently.

Usually they say the younger the better, I think it's important that your son knows that he has a father but he doesn't see him. Sounds like he knows that already though, even if he hasn't fully understood or asked about the details.
I'd leave it for now until he asks, unless you think he's under the impression that someone else (your dad or your partner) is his dad. If he is, you should put that straight today.

I think I would leave it until he asks, or maybe ask him if he has any questions. I'd refer to your ex as his father not his dad.

OP if he has a history of stalking both of you and you had to get a restraining order against him then unless he's still got behaviour issues, he will know he has to stay away from both of you. So don't expect him to turn up any time soon. Though as PPs pointed out your son needs to be aware there are safety concerns over his father and never to go with him anywhere.

Too late now obs, but you should have normalized it from the start. So i guess now you just wait until he brings it up. And then just tell him what is up. That he has a bio dad. But he left and didnt want to be part of the family and withdrew all contact. And that now hewasnt allowed to come near you as he has /had issues.
You can even explain what a dad is. What a dad does. And how your current partner is basically like his dad (maybe ask you partner if he would be ok with the fact that your son would call him dad ?)
X