Feel disappointed when I'm told SC are staying

[NancyGreen]

I don't really know why. I just feel like I do an internal sigh of disappointment whenever I'm told my SC are coming to stay.

There is no proper contact arrangement. They just come different days every week whenever their mum decides, with me often not finding out until the day when DH mentions it or even turning up home from work and they are there. (Stay half the week). I feel like whilst I understand it's not for me to decide, I should at least be informed so I know what my day looks like?

I just wish I actually knew what was going on in my life from day to day. To be honest I find the time they spend here incredibly boring and dull. The whole dynamic shifts as my husband never does anything with them, they just game, usually in the family room too. I was making effort to do other things with them at first but I gave up because I felt I was the only one bothering and it just annoyed me that I was making more effort than he was to do anything with them so now I tend to just take myself off to do other things. It got to the stage where I honestly felt like I was parenting him more than him and I became resentful of that and now have withdrawn from doing so.

I'm realising more and more that I just prefer it so much when they aren't here.

Personally given your scenario I would find myself a hobby and be out... If their df gives zero shits they are around - why should you pick up his slack?

I'd wonder whether I wanted to stay with such a crap father, tbh.

I don't think there's necessarily anything wrong with the whole flexible contact time thing, but I'd feel exactly as you do.

They need to start gaming in their bedrooms, it's antisocial to take up the living room all night with gaming.

I'd give them a hug and a warm welcome and make sure there were plenty of snacks and drinks for them and then take myself off into the bath with a good book and glass of wine or watch a film on my laptop upstairs. It's not their fault that they're in this situation so even if you don't enjoy them being their please be kind to them.

there not their!

I would feel exactly the same and could not cope with that situation. I struggle enough with set days. You should have a say in this as it affects you and you are part of the household. You matter too! Disengage. Very difficult to do but if you don’t, you will become resentful.

Aw this is very sad. I do feel for you. There is another thread from a stepmother who wants set days. This might not be a battle you can win as it's really between him an his ex. I would deal with the symptoms here instead.

Your partner sounds pretty useless. How old are the kids? I don't blame you for resenting the fact you are doing more parenting than him. It's his job! Having said the kids are the ones missing out so I'd echo what the other poster said about lots of snacks and hugs for them. It would be awful for them to not feel welcome.

On a practical note I would suggest separating out the house so you don't feel so upended when they are here. Either have them game in their rooms or else set up your room or another part of the house for yourself to relax in. It is your home too.

You have a problem with your DP. Does he appreciate the effort you make? I once read an excellent article about the perils of becoming the live in cook, mother, tutor, cleaner under the guise of a new relationship. You are not any of these things. It is his job to take care of the children.

I remember in our early cohabiting days I cooked a favourite dish for the children. They began giving me feedback on my many mistakes. Their father nodded along encouragingly. When I said I found this a bit rude the youngest looked perplexed and said she was only telling me so I could cook it properly the next time. I cheerfully told her your father will be cooking for you next time. Ditto when they asked me where I would be putting their clean laundry etc.

I was in a similar situation when I got with dp and his ex would choose when we had dsc to suit her life. It was awful as it meant sometimes it would be our only time together in the month and dc were there and would massively impact on the dynamics.

In the end I put my foot down and dp agreed and the arrangement was we chose the days jointly. That didn't work as ex was awkward so in the end we said set days or nothing. Set days works perfect now but I still don't look forward to them coming! For those who want to moan about what I've said I have no issues as I feel how I feel and dsc never go without and prefer me to be around than dp as similar to ops situation doesn't do much with his dc.

OP, have you told your DH that you don't like not knowing when DSC are coming?

I'm going through something similar. Days have always been set but DP just got a new work timetable and things are having to change a bit. In the last few weeks, he's just told me DSD is staying tonight or DSS is coming earlier. After a few times of this, I told him it wasn't fair that I was last to know as it is my home too and I should be able to have an idea of what my life looks like! He apologised, said I was right and hasn't done it since (hopefully it will last!). It genuinely hadn't occured to him, so maybe your DH needs to be nudged too. Xx

Minor point but how do you olsn dinner? Do you always just have enough for everyone incase?
What do evenings when the kids aren’t there look like?
I would hate not having set days

No that wouldn't work for me. I need to know what my day/week looks like.

I suggest speaking to your DP and getting a proper arrangement made. Why should his ex be able to dictate everything.

It's kids in this situation who grow up and can't be arsed making the effort with their dad...then he'll bleat on about how he was always a great dad and his kids are so unappreciative.

Does he actually play an active role in their lives? Like attend Parent's evenings.

As his wife what signs do you see that he is interested in his children...beyond obligatory love.

Completely agree with those who have said that there should be set days. Apart from anything else, it also gives the kids some kind of routine so that they know what they can plan with friends etc. I wouldn't want this situation with my stepkids.