BM planning things on our weekend

[Anuta77]

Hi there,
SD (13) comes to stay with us EOW.
Lately she or her mother would tell DP (at the last minute) not to pick her up as they have to do school shopping/have a party/have some activity. I asked SD why can't her mother do the shopping on their weekend together or an evening and the answer is because her mother and her boyfriend (who lives in another town) do activities. So it sounds like her mother's time with her boyfriend is sacred, so she takes the little time that SD has with her father.

It makes me feel like we're not entertaining SD enough, but at her age, she's mainly laying on her bed, texting, drawing, watching videos or playing videogames with my son. There aren't really activities for teenagers that we can think of that would excite them, but she generally looks happy here.

This weekend was supposed to be ours and they are going camping, but SD complains even when we go for a walk in the forest, so it never occured to me that it would be a fun activity for which she would miss rare times in our house.

How others entartain their teen stepchildren, as my DP's kids seem to find anything more important than staying with us (and not because of not loving their dad or not getting alone with any of us here).

What does your step daughter want?

I just asked SD and she told me that she doesn't really feel like going to this camping, but she has no choice because her mother always wanted to go there and they decided to go on the long weekend since we don't have anything planned....We don't have big things like travelling 7 hours planned, but does that make time with us less important?

She’s her mum. No need for the prefix. Or shall I call your DP the BF?

You can’t expect other people to organise things like parties according to schedule so it’s not unreasonable she attends things like that. However, arranging shopping or camping on dad’s time isn’t reasonable. Given her age you don’t really have the court option which makes things tricky but if it were me, I would be saying fine, why don’t you come when mum is with her boyfriend instead and see how that works?

I wondered how long it would be for the BM thing to be picked up how typical
OP that is your partners contact time with his child, and it is unfair and frankly cruel to stop that, whether that be for camping or otherwise. It's not about what you can think of to 'do' with SD, it's his contact time to see his child. He could try mediation to put in place a solid contact arrangement and then if she continues to breach it in this way go to court.

The parties they go to are not SD's friend's parties, they are her mother's or the boyfriend's friends/neighboors parties...

My DP doesn't organize anything on her mother's weekend, he really respects it, but what I'm seeing is that it's a subtle way for the mother to show that their time together (the boyfriend doesn't live with them, but SD calls him stepfather eventhough he's been around for less than 3 years and lives 40 min away) is important, but not so much with us.
SD once refused to go on a nice vacation to Cuba with us where she could see her grandmother, because her mother told her that she'll do whatever she can to go with her next summer, it was 2 years ago and they never could go. However, with her mother, she feels like she has no choice. SD doesn't like nature and it's a long drive, but she's still going with them.

I'm debating if I should talk to her because she doesn't seem to have any critical thinking when it comes to her mother.

ChickenFriedFudge , you're right, I took me a while to understand what prefix it was as I was careful to say mother, but in the title it was too long....

The problem is that my DP feels bad to say no as we don't have anything unmovable planned and he thinks that SD is having more fun. But doesn't it create the impression that time with us is less important? His ex is always very nice with him, but I always sensed that it was subtle manipulation.

I wondered how long it would be for the BM thing to be picked up how typical

ODFOD. It’s rude and disrespectful and you know it.

@Enoughnowstop I can think of at least three other forums its used on with no issue so unless someone knew that some mumsnet users are sensitive to it they would use it. It's more appropriate than some abbreviations such as DEXW or DSC

@Enoughnowstop

You can't say ODFOD while calling someone out for rude abbreviations!!!!

Op, I think that the best thing to do here to for you and DP to try and empower your DSD to vocalise what she wants. Maybe she wants to do these things with her mum but doesn't want to hurt her dad's feelings. I do feel sorry for children who end up being pawns in power games between parents.

@KylieKoKo , thanks for your advice.

@Enoughnowstop Honestly, what's the point of delairing each thread that contains a widely accepted acronym? What does it do to you?

I remember how ones of my DP's BM got upset because I mentionned the word "ex", she considered herself family and went to complain to my DP how ungrateful I was. That was just as crazy as this BM deal.

I honestly can't get as worked up as some posters do about the whole BM thing. We all know I'm my kids mother whether someone posts BM or not, I really can't froth about it.

I remember how ones of my DP's BM got upset because I mentionned the word "ex", she considered herself family and went to complain to my DP how ungrateful I was. That was just as crazy as this BM deal.

how many does he have?

What does it do to you?

Erm....two examples. ‘You won’t be seeing your fucking mother again. She’s not your mummy now, I am. She’s your birth mother, nothing else’.

And ‘fuck off you fucking bitch, you’re nothing other than their birth mother’.

Both said by so-called ‘step mums’ to my children.

Birth mother is a term used in adoption. I have not been removed from my children’s lives just because my ex and I are no longer together. I didn’t choose not to care for them some of the time. I certainly didn’t give up any rights to being with them or signed over their lives to someone else.. The attempt at the removal of a mum from the scene is a pretty common scenario when taking up with a new woman and playing at happy families. It is not difficult to simply refer to an ex as step children’s DM, or just mum or mother.

But no worries. My experiences - similar to many others - mean fuck all eh?!

BM is a deliberately goady term on this forum.

Your SD is 13 so if she doesn’t want to see her dad that’s her choice. As usual the step-mother is the one fretting about this and not the child’s “birth father”!

@Enoughnowstop that's a lot of projection. Most step parents are just doing their best. The ones your ex picked sound a bit psychotic.

Bm is only used on thisi forum in a derogatory manner. It prefixes a litany of perceived deficiencies that the Poster considers need to be sniped at to show what a shit mother the BM is.

I am the BM to my children, I have no issue with that but not on a step parenting forum where is it used as a term of derision and criticism.

Stay out of it
If your DP feels his contact is being halted then he should discuss this with his ex and his daughter

It’s really not for you to sort out sorry even if you would like to see her

@Enoughnowstop

What does it do to you?

Erm....two examples. ‘You won’t be seeing your fucking mother again. She’s not your mummy now, I am. She’s your birth mother, nothing else’.

And ‘fuck off you fucking bitch, you’re nothing other than their birth mother’.

Both said by so-called ‘step mums’ to my children.

Birth mother is a term used in adoption. I have not been removed from my children’s lives just because my ex and I are no longer together. I didn’t choose not to care for them some of the time. I certainly didn’t give up any rights to being with them or signed over their lives to someone else.. The attempt at the removal of a mum from the scene is a pretty common scenario when taking up with a new woman and playing at happy families. It is not difficult to simply refer to an ex as step children’s DM, or just mum or mother.

But no worries. My experiences - similar to many others - mean fuck all eh?!

I'm sorry you had to go through this. This SM sounds crazy and your children will love you no matter what other people say, especially said in this way, not even subtle manipulation. Most SM might not like the mother because of simple female jealousy, but they don't go to the extend of alienating the children. And BM doesn't indicate that the SM doesn't think of the mother as the real mother. It's just an abbreviation.

@Shedpaint

Stay out of it If your DP feels his contact is being halted then he should discuss this with his ex and his daughter

It’s really not for you to sort out sorry even if you would like to see her

You are right. We did a nice outing without SD without being limited to driving her home ( as her mother never does it). I will definetely stay out of it, as it's actually not the end of the world.

@bogoffmda

Bm is only used on thisi forum in a derogatory manner. It prefixes a litany of perceived deficiencies that the Poster considers need to be sniped at to show what a shit mother the BM is.

I am the BM to my children, I have no issue with that but not on a step parenting forum where is it used as a term of derision and criticism.

There was not a word about the mother being shit in my post, just that she planned an activity on our weekend, showing that the little time my DP has with his daughter is not important (despite pretending to be his friend). If you are not a SM, why are you derailing my post with your issues? I don't feel the need to defend my position as a mother to my kids and I wouldn't care if I was called a BM, except that my ex abandonned our son because of his new woman.

Bm is goady. There's no need.