Stepson doesn't want to come....

[PhylisPrice]

So my parter has a 6 year old son from a previous relationship, we have an amicable relationship with his mum but she has caused us a few issues in the past with not being home for drop off times and things like that. Anyway, DSS has now decided doesn't like coming to ours as there is 'nothing to do'. He has plenty of toys here, a tablet (although he is restricted to 2x 1.5 hour goes a day), we go on day trips nearly everytime we have contact (weekly), goes to the local park, on walks etc. always says he wishes he could have another day here with us to spend with his young half sibling. This has just come on in the last couple of weeks, he has apparently been crying his eyes out saying all his dad does is tell him off. This is simply not true! At his mums he has every gadget you can imagine and has unlimited time on them, gets takeaways/mcdonalds at least 4 nights a week for his tea, not judging just giving a back story. Here we have rules, bedtimes, homemade meals that I don't think he has at home. Basically it seems we can't 'compete' with the way things are at his mums and he seems to get away with a lot there. How do we handle this? His mother is threatening him to go and spend time at his uncles instead of ours during our contact time. All we have done is try our best by him and I feel like my husband is getting a hard time for nothing! He pays maintenance has 2 overnights a week and pays for half school uniform, all school trips and at least one abroad holiday and one UK holiday a year.

It's almost like she expects us to rush out and buy him a playstation, phone, TV etc for here...

We are having very similar issues with DSD just now. It’s just her and her mum normally and she’s understandably the centre of all things there. Here, she’s got me,DH and DS too and it seems to be quite the adjustment for her.
I don’t know the answers but I do know I’ll be damned if another woman’s parenting decision negatively affect my son. When I work out how to prevent it I’ll let you know

Hmm op i wish i had some advice. I don't but i do have lots of sympathy because we've had the same problem with DSS. It was never a problem when he was smaller really but as he's become a teenager it is. Its the sheer lack of rules at his mums house, he lived with us and then decided to move back in with her because, in his words, "i can do what i want there and you make me do stuff here" - which was true.

We, like you, had rules, bedtimes etc. Nothing strict, but we wanted to know where he was, he had to be home at a certain time and we wouldnt let him stay at his girlfriends 5 nights a week at 15 years old funilly enough.

Anyway his mum lets him do whatever he wants and as a consequence he doesnt stay at our house any more because he knows there's rules and he cant be arsed to follow them.

To be honest because he's old enough to decide and make his own mistakes we haven't begged him to change his mind. But 6 is much younger and i dont think that decision should lie solely with the child at that age.

You say you are amicable with his mum, i wouldnt mention what youve said here about her household, but could you ask her to encourage him to see you?

Could your partner not take him out for the day one-on-one and perhaps have a little chat? Unless there are safeguarding issues he is far too young to be making these kind of decisions. Maybe your partner could get to the bottom of any issues that are making his son worry?

Agree does dad get 1-1 time where they could talk about it?

Is there a court order? Do you have money for solicitors if needed?

Honestly? Don't do anything about it. Definitely don't start spoiling him more, it sounds like he already gets more than enough of that and the home you provide for him is spot on. Don't encourage emotional manipulation.

As PPs said his dad could take him out and talk about it 1-1 but I wouldn't frame it as a big, lavish treat to bribe him back. Just something like lunch or the park.

Thanks so much for all your replies everyone, I appreciate them all! He has spoke to him on the phone 1-1 (I wasn't there) after school today and apparently now he does want to come? He gets 1-1 time with his dad when he picks him up from school, they usually go for tea together! I think he is trying to play both parents off against each other. It has just made me question what we do for him but in the summer holidays alone he has had 2 nights away at at a theme park, numerous park and beach trips, 2x £10 to spend on what he wants, his choice of movie on our movie nights, sweets, 4 meals out and a few other things bought for him (£1 shop type things) he definitely doesn't do without here and it just makes me feel sad that he thinks that after all the things we do for him! I suppose kids are fickle, he will always want to be where things go in his favour more....

No court order, just a mutual agreement between parents. We all get on well on the whole!

We had a similar experience in June with DSD (6) which transpired to be her mum and nan starting parental alienation. They would tell DSD all the 'fun things' they had planned that weekend/week on handover day so DSD would be on the doorstep physically shaking and crying she didn't want to go with us but then couldn't say why. This was in the lead up to court and happened once after the court order for shared residency was in place - the judge saw right through her mums behaviour and informed her not to continue doing this or she will review contact with mum/nan. It happened once with the Nan again and DP just picked up DSD and put her in the car. She stopped the tears etc before we even left the road. On a parenting course we were all ordered to go on by the judge, more so mum and Nan could learn the impact they were having, they said don't mention your weekend plans with the child when they aren't there and don't coax them with things they can do when with you. They say to just be gentle but direct so take their hand and put them in the car but don't then talk about their behaviour. Instead ask them open questions about how are they, what have they done that day etc. Anyone can go on these course - ran via cafcass - and have to say it was pretty good in tips on this situation. We've have no issues since with DSD except the odd rudeness the first night she's here but that goes within a few hours. The courts at this age would do what's best for the child but wouldn't withdraw all contact just because he's upset. They will tell mum she has to advocate it so I would recommend keeping a diary of everything in case you ever need it

I agree with @aSofaNearYou

Are you hearing about this from DSS or from his mother? If the latter, do you trust her? We had some parental alienation attempts at a similar age. This may not be the case here, of course.

He might suddenly be having a homesick wobble. Or be feeling unsettled. Or worried about leaving his Mum for some reason.

"I think he is trying to play both parents off against each other."

He's 6. Poor kid. The way you've just rattled off every treat you've given him in the past few weeks and how you bang on about his console at home and his mum getting him McDonald's 4 nights out of the 5 she has him makes painful reading. There's no way he can't sense the resentment and judgement from you.

He's with his dad twice a week and you think you're better than his mum with "home cooked meals that I don't think he gets at home"......until a pp suggests he needs 1-1 time with his dad and then suddenly you've forgotten the home cooked meal and it's "they usually go out for tea!!"

Do me a favour. He's unsettled because he feels like a visitor and can sense your resentment. He can probably cope with that most of the time but the past two weeks have been harder for young kids with schools returning etc.

@vapeinafleshlight oh come on, back under the bridge. OP hasn't said anything resentful at all, you're being ridiculous.

@vapeinafleshlight

I did wonder why the one to one time with dad was never mentioned in the very detailed opening post.

He gets 1-1 time with his dad when he picks him up from school, they usually go for tea together!

Considering schools have mostly been closed since March... that's a long time he hasn't had these after school one to one tea times and 5 months is a long time for a 6 year old.

Have you considered this may be a factor?

@aSofaNearYou no you're being ridiculous suggesting I'm a troll. If you believe I am report me and stop breaking the rules by troll hunting.

The OP has said that this 6 year old is playing both of his parents off against each other. That he's "fickle" for not wanting to come "after all the things we do for him"

The long list of all those things include toys from the pound shop and getting to choose what film to watch on one of the two nights he spends at his dads. The fact those things are even worth a mention to the OP smacks of resentment

It's gone this way has it? Instead of trying to make me out to be an absolute monster of a step mother please ask me questions instead of making assumptions. For clarity, I have had a relationship with him since he was 1.5 and do not resent him in the slightest so I'm not sure why it's come across that way? If I resented him why would I be asking for help for him to feel better? The list of things were because I was questioning myself thay we do enough for him, the pick a movie was an example of how he is not a 'guest' in our home and gets included in everything. Obviously he wasn't going for tea while the restaurants were shut I mean, that's pretty impossible but they still did things together. We had him 50/50 during lockdown.

A back to school wobble sounds like a good shout to be honest, it will have tired him out as well.

Anyway I will leave it there and thank everyone for their kind and helpful suggestions.

The OP has said that this 6 year old is playing both of his parents off against each other. That he's "fickle" for not wanting to come "after all the things we do for him" The long list of all those things include toys from the pound shop and getting to choose what film to watch on one of the two nights he spends at his dads.  The fact those things are even worth a mention to the OP smacks of resentment

The subject of the thread is her stepson and his mother saying they don't do enough for him and don't buy him enough. She is very obviously listing the things they do get for him to analyse whether that accusation is valid.

It's very common to say kids play their parents off each other, that's not surprising or offensive at all.

When you feel you do the right amount for someone and they say you don't and as a result they don't want to see you, it is natural to feel sad they feel that way. OP has expressed sadness.

Your bar for what constitutes such strong resentment it would make a six year old not want to see his dad is incredibly low.

For clarity, I have had a relationship with him since he was 1.5 and do not resent him in the slightest so I'm not sure why it's come across that way?

It hasn't come across that way at all OP, to anyone that has come here for any reason other than to stick the boot in.

I wouldn't take it too seriously. He may well have said it when tired/enjoying doing something at Mums that he doesn't do at Dads, etc. You can have different set ups between houses and kids are fine.
I would just keep doing what you are doing. Maintain a friendly relationship with Mum and work through this blip.
It's been a stressful and upsetting time for a lot of children and he may just be wanting consistency. If he is closer to Mum, he may be feeling a bit clingy but not know how to articulate it.