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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Arrangements for SC when giving birth?

21 replies

PickAPick · 02/09/2020 08:51

I am currently pregnant and recently been wondering what sort of arrangements people made in this situation when there are SC involved?

They stay with us 50% of the time obviously I can't guarantee they won't be here during the day, middle of the night, morning, evening or whenever it does happen and I need to go to the hospital.

What did other people do? We have a good enough relationship with their mum that I know if she was free she would absolutely have them back at whatever time however she also works nights often on the days we have the kids so no guarantee she will be available.

My only other thinking is my mum could come and stay with them at our house (she lives close by) or if we were in a particular rush! She could come to the hospital and get them from there.

OP posts:

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Original poster

PickAPick · 02/09/2020 08:52

They will be 9 and 11 at the time.

OP posts:

StressyDressyHeels · 02/09/2020 11:50

Can you ask SC’s paternal grandparents to help?

negomi90 · 02/09/2020 11:52

Your DH should speak to their mum first and ask if she has a preference. It may be that she'll want to take time off/re jig things to be with the kids then. She doesn't have to but she may want to.
If not, then work out who will take them - your DH's family/friends, their friends etc
If they know and like your mum then nothing wrong with her coming to help, but I expect the kids will be happier with someone they're more connected to to.

SleepingStandingUp · 02/09/2020 11:56

@negomi90

Your DH should speak to their mum first and ask if she has a preference. It may be that she'll want to take time off/re jig things to be with the kids then. She doesn't have to but she may want to. If not, then work out who will take them - your DH's family/friends, their friends etc If they know and like your mum then nothing wrong with her coming to help, but I expect the kids will be happier with someone they're more connected to to.

What happened to what you do as a parent in your tone is your choice? Why does ops do need permission off their Mom to find suitable childcare?

Op I agree ask paternal grandparents first if it's practical, then your parents. Do can let their Mom know. The reality is she isn't going to want to run out of a shift in the middle of the night to do childcare for their Dad when it's HIS responsibility.

So actually, scrap the top paragraph and all him what his plan is

Original poster

PickAPick · 02/09/2020 11:59

His parents live hours away unfortunately.

We get on well with their mum and I do believe if she wasn't in work, she'd want to be asked first so we will let her know just out of courtesy in case she's free and wants to have them. But obviously we'd never expect her to drop anything like work or plans or whatever to help which is why I want to have a plan i.e. my mum.

OP posts:

averythinline · 02/09/2020 12:03

It makes sense to plan! Has your mum much interaction with the dc? If not maybe arrange some intros..
So they dont wake up to a stranger.. your dp probably won't be able to be at the hospital much so he'll be back with them soonish..

justilou1 · 02/09/2020 12:08

Talk to her mum if you get on okay... see how she feels. Do her kids know your parents just in case?

Original poster

PickAPick · 02/09/2020 12:13

@justilou1

Talk to her mum if you get on okay... see how she feels. Do her kids know your parents just in case?

Yes they know them and they get on well with them. They come round quite regularly and we go out together with them too, in fact SC have asked before if they can come round for tea or come to a day out with us etc... They get on really nicely. They've just not been alone looking after them before.

your dp probably won't be able to be at the hospital much so he'll be back with them soonish

Someone said my DH should drop me off at the hospital and then go home to look after the kids. The reason I can't do this is because I have a blood condition which means my delivery is considered high risk of hemmorage and we've had to put in place a specific birth plan to minimise the risks of this or what to do if this happens. I need my husband there in case something goes wrong and I can't advocate for myself. I'm too scared to do it without him, it's not an option.

OP posts:

minnieok · 02/09/2020 12:16

Plan a, their mum keeps them on your day/you drop them back, plan b your mum steps in, plan c they come to the hospital until either their mum or your mum can collect, they are old enough to be left in a waiting room.

SleepingStandingUp · 02/09/2020 12:17

your dp probably won't be able to be at the hospital much so he'll be back with them soonish.. depends when they're due but my friend just gave birth and Dad was there from 8 am til tea time I think. Obv the ops do has other kids to consider but if it's a long labour for example I believe they're allowed there from active labour

ColdTattyWaitingForSummer · 02/09/2020 12:21

OP your plans sound perfectly sensible, and it’s always good to have a back up. I hope the birth and recovery goes smoothly for you and that your dsc enjoy meeting their new sib.

Original poster

PickAPick · 02/09/2020 12:25

your mum can collect, they are old enough to be left in a waiting room

This is my main concern, that we won't have time to wait for someone to get to our house. Do people think this is acceptable as a last resort?

OP posts:

aSofaNearYou · 02/09/2020 12:33

Someone said my DH should drop me off at the hospital and then go home to look after the kids.

This would be absolutely ludicrous even if there weren't added complications, you will be in labour, your needs are paramount!

Original poster

PickAPick · 02/09/2020 12:37

@aSofaNearYou

Someone said my DH should drop me off at the hospital and then go home to look after the kids.

This would be absolutely ludicrous even if there weren't added complications, you will be in labour, your needs are paramount!

I think so! If we can arrange something good enough like my mum or whatever I don't see why DH shouldn't be there.

OP posts:

RatInADollhouse · 02/09/2020 13:23

I totally understand wanting to plan what you would do in every scenario but it might help to know that in your situation it is really very unlikely to be a problem. Most of the time, especially with a first birth, things start slowly. Yes there are lots of exceptions so no need to chime in with stories of your baby popping out in your driveway but the vast majority of women have at least an hour or two of knowing labor is starting before it’s time to go to the hospital. Plus there is only a 50% chance that you will even have the kids when you go into labor, and even if you do there is also a good chance their mum will be available. If all else fails they are older children who can sit perfectly well in a waiting room with an iPad and a bag of crisps while they wait for your parents to come. They are old enough that pretty much anyone can watch them so your parents will be fine. You are really only planning for a “perfect storm” type of situation. It’s different for pregnant women with young children who live with them full-time and no third parent who can quite possibly step in. Many don’t even have willing grandparents. I’m not saying that to make you feel bad but really it doesn’t sound to me like you have any problem at all.

COS2102 · 02/09/2020 14:37

We are expecting a baby soon and our plan is if it is a day for LO to be with us then our families will sort it out between them and if it's a day he is with his other parent then things will obviously just stay as normal. We plan on him taking his ipad with him when the time comes so if he is at his other parent's house then we can facetime him directly so he is first to find out the news

Alabamawhirly1 · 02/09/2020 14:40

We warned the mum about due date and said around that time there could be disruption to picking up dropping off. If he was here it was arranged he could go to maternal grandparents.

singersarp · 02/09/2020 14:48

Your mum is perfectly fine. You're overthinking this one. Your DH should be with you while you're in labour.

SpaceOP · 02/09/2020 14:50

I think a lot of people have a sort of "cascade" solution.

So plan is to call DSC's mum first - if she's free, she agrees to take them. In advance, you make it clear that you have an alternative plan in place (or, as we did for a friend - she tells you when she is/isn't free and then when the time comes, you check the schedule, see if she's an option and take from there).

If DSC's mum is not an option, you then have your parents as option B. Depending on timing, they come to yours/ you drop DSC on way to the hospital or, worst case, you bring them with you to the hospital for collection.

Either way, you probably also want to ensure arrangements between the mum and your parents are there as if you're in hospital for a while, it might then go into DSC's time with their mum.

With a high risk pregnancy, are they not inducing you? That certainly makes childcare planning a lot easier.

MaggieFS · 02/09/2020 14:55

@PickAPick

your mum can collect, they are old enough to be left in a waiting room

This is my main concern, that we won't have time to wait for someone to get to our house. Do people think this is acceptable as a last resort?

It's not unacceptable as a last resort but most hospitals aren't letting any 'extra' people in at the moment and don't have waiting areas. You should check now what the rules for your trust are so you can factor that into your plan. It may be the DH will have to wait in the car initially too, so could stay with them until your mum could get them.

lunar1 · 02/09/2020 15:02

Your plan a&b are fine, I would check with the hospital if it is possible to leave your husbands children in a waiting room in an emergency.

If not maybe have your mum close to hand on the days the children's mum wouldn't be able to drop everything.

My husband almost missed ds2 being born as he had to wait 40 minutes for my mum to drive over to look after ds1!

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