AIBU to think most step parents don't love their SC like their own?

[JustALonelyApple]

I always find it really bizarre when posters make out like this is the bar set for people's expectations of step parents and tbh, other than certain scenarios (say met child when a baby and mum isn't around), I tend not to really believe people when they gush about how they love their SC exactly like their own.

I like my SC, they are good kids. But it is absolutely no comparison whatsoever to how I feel about my own DC and I honestly don't see how it ever could be.

I actually find it really annoying when people suggest SPs should love their SC and there is something wrong if they don't. Why? So long as they are nice and kind and welcoming why does this intense love have to factor into it. Because let's be honest, it isn't really natural to unconditionally love children that aren't our own (and I'm not talking about adopted children before anyone says it, that is a very different scenario).

I don't have stepchildren so can't speak from personal experience but I know my step dad loves me as much as his own children. He brought me up since I was 2 and I love him more than I love my real dad.

Maybe I have a quite casual attitude to my organs, who knows?
You need them to live, so be careful not to give too many away

Yeah I’d keep my organs.

I’d never be called upon to offer organs to my DSC (my blood type will definitely not match theirs).

I know this will sound awful but I think step dads love their step kids more than the step mum usually.

I couldn't ever be a step mum and made sure to pick a partner who didnt have kids. Dp wasnt bothered that I had children and I think he does love the kids as his own.

My step dad split up with my mum when I was 14 and has still made an effort to see me every week and same with my now children.

@ImInShock28

I know this will sound awful but I think step dads love their step kids more than the step mum usually.

I couldn't ever be a step mum and made sure to pick a partner who didnt have kids. Dp wasnt bothered that I had children and I think he does love the kids as his own.

My step dad split up with my mum when I was 14 and has still made an effort to see me every week and same with my now children.

wicked stepmother myth...

I love my step children very much. It's not the same love as my own DC, but it definitely is love. And they tell me they love me too. Now I'm a 'step' grandparent,(although my SC and partner are insistent that there's no step in my title), I've been surprised at the intensity of love I feel for my step GC. It's very different from what I expected. And lovely.

Love my DSD to bits. Have been their step mum for 15 years.. there is nothing I wouldn't do for them EXCEPT put their welfare in front of my own...

I know this will sound awful but I think step dads love their step kids more than the step mum usually.

I'd say there's probably some truth in the idea that step parents who are with the resident parent will generally be closer to their step children than step parents of non resident children, and the resident parent does tend to be the mum.

@ImInShock28

I know this will sound awful but I think step dads love their step kids more than the step mum usually.

I couldn't ever be a step mum and made sure to pick a partner who didnt have kids. Dp wasnt bothered that I had children and I think he does love the kids as his own.

My step dad split up with my mum when I was 14 and has still made an effort to see me every week and same with my now children.

I think it's easier for step dad's because they generally live with the child but don't do much in the way of parenting. (Sorry generalising, absolutely not true for all step dad's. My own step dad is wonderful)

For step mums you're continuously reminded you are not the mum. don't have the rights of the mum, never will be the mum and should back off. But you should treat them like your own, cook, clean wash clothes for them. Care for them, pay for them etc etc.

Op to answer your question. No I don't love dss like my own, as a pp said it's like I'd love a nephew I think. I care for him a lot, I do have his best interests at heart but it's not the same.

I think SD tend to do better than SM’s as there is a less expectations on them. Traditionally a fathers role is less hands on and less full of emotion than a Mothers role. So the expectations are less.

Also the Mum tends to be the RP and so she sets the rules and boundaries together with the SD. Often NRP are left out of decision making and are forced into a style of parenting by their ex that they might not have chosen themselves.

@ZigZagPlant

I think SD tend to do better than SM’s as there is a less expectations on them. Traditionally a fathers role is less hands on and less full of emotion than a Mothers role. So the expectations are less.

Also the Mum tends to be the RP and so she sets the rules and boundaries together with the SD. Often NRP are left out of decision making and are forced into a style of parenting by their ex that they might not have chosen themselves.

As a SD I'd agree, and we're practically hero-worshipped when we take a very hands-on and emotionally engaged approach to it. I'm involved in the boundaries and rules though - with the blessing of their Dad as well, thankfully (although he thinks I'm too soft with them...)

I have my own daughter now, and I find the topic of 'do I love her more' to be tricky to answer. My love for my two SD is different individually to start with - one was two and the other six when I moved in, they had separate needs.

I know I look at them and see three sisters, not two sisters and a half sister, whatever the truth is. In some ways I think I love them more since my daughter arrived - we are bound together by more than just their mum and I having a relationship now.

Their dad... tries his hardest. He is great for the two days he has them every fortnight but is honest that he couldn't do much more, nor cope with the day-to-day stresses. If my partner died I'd ask for the dad's blessing to move for adopting them immediately, and do it with the understanding that that would be it for relationships for me for at the next 15 years. There is no doubt in my heart that I'd do this.

I don't know how different it is for men. I mean - they all popped out of my partner at some point. They're all little biological extensions of her (and I love her very, very much.) The fact that only one carries my DNA doesn't seem so vital.

@NewLevelsOfTiredness I think you make some really interesting points there.
I do feel that historically men have had a far more fluid approach to parenting - anthropologically men have been instrumental in adopting other family members & non family members since roman times. Historically men have also often had 2 or more families with mistresses etc. due to the fact that up until relatively recently marriage was about contracts and social/wealth/land matchings as opposed to love.
As a result I don't think men hold on to the possessive notion of "My children only" that women do. I think that women are biologically programmed to be more possessive & exclusionary (of other children) due to having to carry & birth children, & also because they (historically) are the ones tied to & caring for small babies - the biology dictates that the bond HAS to be really, really strong to guarantee a child's survival.
Of course we live in different times now but I do believe that a lot of our basic human instincts are very old & deep rooted & we have inherited responses which often dictate how we behave even though that behaviour might be out of whack with modern society.

I think women can. Men dont.
Men think they can until they have their own.

I think that women are biologically programmed to be more possessive & exclusionary (of other children) due to having to carry & birth children, & also because they (historically) are the ones tied to & caring for small babies - the biology dictates that the bond HAS to be really, really strong to guarantee a child's survival.
Of course we live in different times now but I do believe that a lot of our basic human instincts are very old & deep rooted & we have inherited responses which often dictate how we behave even though that behaviour might be out of whack with modern society

I agree it's probably different for men and women. I could never look at another child like I do my own. I just couldn't. I could possibly love another child but not that biological, intense, protection type love.

@Advicewouldbeappreciated

I think women can. Men dont. Men think they can until they have their own.

As above, having my own only reinforced my love for my SD's, if anything.

I can’t speak as a step mum, but I have one biological child and two adopted. My love for all three is immense.

Nobody has suggested adoption is anything like step parenting.

@ZigZagPlant- a poster up thread suggested that carrying your baby inside you is what creates the unconditional love. Perhaps I should’ve tagged them to avoid confusion.

@Imissmoominmama

I can’t speak as a step mum, but I have one biological child and two adopted. My love for all three is immense.

I’m not entirely convinced it’s about biology. It’s more about responsibility (and to some degree authority).

The key difference between your own children (however they came to be your children) and stepchildren is the level and kinds of responsibility involved. I do not, and cannot, have the same responsibility towards my DSC as my DC. They have their own parents who are responsible for them. One of the many things this means is that I have no choice or control over large aspects of their lives, and even the areas I might have any input are mediated by their father (who retains both responsibility and authority in relation to them). That inevitably affects how I feel about them.

With my own DC I can make decisions (even if I share that authority with their fathers) but crucially I know that I am always responsible for them. They need me in ways the DSC never will, and parental love is one of the ways that nature has ensured my DC get what they need from me.

In adoption you take on that same parental responsibility (in both the real world and legal senses) and build a relationship on that basis. As a step parent, you are always at some remove (there will be different degrees depending on a range of factors) and your relationship will reflect this.

It seems absolutely logical that this will translate into many of the feelings described in this thread: the kind of fierce love that would have you die for your children vs the various different kinds of love described by steparents (akin to a nephew/niece in some cases, or more limited in others).

Personally, I find it hard to love my stepchildren. Truthfully, I don’t love them and I don’t think I ever will. That’s because of a whole host if things to do with their parents, and DH in particular, that don’t look like they’re going to change. I am kind and caring towards them and I try to ensure I treat them fairly but I have to disengage and step back for my own sanity (and to make sure I fulfil my responsibilities towards my own children). Even though he loves them very much, DH currently struggles to like his own children at the moment (but won’t engage in the kind of parenting that might make their arrival something to look forward to rather than dread, for several reasons - some more sympathetic than others). Given that, I think managing to maintain kind, respectful but mostly neutral (how I’d treat a child if I encountered them professionally) is doing very well indeed. Asking me to love them like my own children would just be a cruel joke.

Under different circumstances I’m sure I might love them in the way I love my nephews, but the circumstances are what they are and I can only do my best with what I’ve got.

The key difference between your own children (however they came to be your children) and stepchildren is the level and kinds of responsibility involved. I do not, and cannot, have the same responsibility towards my DSC as my DC. They have their own parents who are responsible for them. One of the many things this means is that I have no choice or control over large aspects of their lives, and even the areas I might have any input are mediated by their father (who retains both responsibility and authority in relation to them). That inevitably affects how I feel about them.

I think there's something in that. Because my SDs live with us nearly full time, and my partner trusts me with decision making (we both know she has the final say, but she discusses everything with me) I probably feel a lot more responsibility than many step parents. During the dating phase I was grilled a lot on how I felt about certain parenting issues - she was essentially interviewing me for this, and would have rather seen me walk away if it was too much or I disagreed on something fundamental, than have me stick around if I wasn't appropriate for the role.

And because their dad was so distant and hands-off, there was an opening for this role, if that makes sense - for most stepmums the vacancy isn't there I guess.

That said, it might also be a thing that with adoption you choose to have a child the same as with a pregnancy (even an unplanned on you go through with.) Step kids are, if we're honest, add-ons to the adult you chose a relationship with. Although again, I met the SDs several times 'as mummy's friend' and she very much pushed the idea that I was choosing this package, not just her.

In my experience, I can hand on heart say that my husband loves my children as his own. We have been struggling with fertility for 3 years and he has been in my children's life since they were 1 and 3. ( they still see their biological father ) we've spoken about IVF and it's a possibility, but in my husbands words ' it doesn't matter if we don't have any more, I'm lucky to get to share these two'
I know it's not always the case, I'm just incredibly lucky x