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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

AIBU to think most step parents don't love their SC like their own?

48 replies

JustALonelyApple · 30/08/2020 10:15

I always find it really bizarre when posters make out like this is the bar set for people's expectations of step parents and tbh, other than certain scenarios (say met child when a baby and mum isn't around), I tend not to really believe people when they gush about how they love their SC exactly like their own.

I like my SC, they are good kids. But it is absolutely no comparison whatsoever to how I feel about my own DC and I honestly don't see how it ever could be.

I actually find it really annoying when people suggest SPs should love their SC and there is something wrong if they don't. Why? So long as they are nice and kind and welcoming why does this intense love have to factor into it. Because let's be honest, it isn't really natural to unconditionally love children that aren't our own (and I'm not talking about adopted children before anyone says it, that is a very different scenario).

OP posts:

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Giespeace · 30/08/2020 10:45

I’m wrestling with this exact same thing right now. I’d give my DSD a kidney. But I’d die for my DS. There’s the difference.
It’s such a primal thing, I’m not sure any amount of huffing about poor neglected step children and cold hearted step mothers will ever change the fundamental fact that DS is my child and DSD is her mothers child. The only person who should absolutely be expected to feel the same love for both is DH - their daddy.

timetest · 30/08/2020 11:18

Would it depend on the DSC’s age when you came into their life? It would be easier to love a toddler than a teenager.

funinthesun19 · 30/08/2020 11:32

Giespeace I don’t think I’d even be as generous as you re giving a kidney 😬
But you’re so right, it is a primal thing. That will never change.
I’d die for my children without too, without question. But I wouldn’t do the same for anyone else’s children.

Giespeace · 30/08/2020 11:41

@funinthesun19
She’s my husbands daughter and my son’s sister. She’s family, not some random kid off the street. Still won’t be railroaded into placing her at the centre of my universe like some posters would have all us step mums do

funinthesun19 · 30/08/2020 12:06

She’s my husbands daughter and my son’s sister. She’s family, not some random kid off the street.

I know and I never suggested otherwise. I was just saying, going off my own experience I don’t think I would be as generous as you. Sorry if my comment upset you.
Anyway, think we can all agree that there is a difference between step and bio children. Families can still work and be happy despite this.

Sewsosew · 30/08/2020 12:08

I think of one of my neighbours, he was stay at home dad for DSD and DD for years. They split up and he’s never seen DSD again. It must be really hard, must be tempting to not get too attached.

TheFormerPorpentinaScamander · 30/08/2020 12:12

I don't expect my step parents to love me like they love their own dc. I was an adult, or close to being one, when they became my step parents. I do however expect them to treat me with kindness and respect, as I do them. I am very lucky in that as they are kind and lovely people.

Likewise I didn't expect my now ex to love my dc, but again expected him to treat my dc with kindness. Sadly he didn't.
Their step mum doesn't either. It's made very clear by her, and their dad, that they are less important than their step and half siblings.

I don't imagine step parenting is easy. I wouldn't want to be a step mum!

allfalldown47 · 30/08/2020 12:13

I don't think for a minute step parents love step dc 'like their own' particularly in the early days.
Dh has been a step parent to my dc for over a decade now, so as the years go by they have become more and more like 'his own' dc
We don't have dc of our own and I selfishly like that, he loves my dc so so much and has been a dedicated parent to them, he'd literally do anything for them in the same way I would but I do sometimes think that may have been different if we'd had dc of our own?

latticechaos · 30/08/2020 12:15

Yabu as all relationships are different. You can't extrapolate from one SP/SC relationship to all other SP/SC relationships.

There is a lot dependent on how young the child was when the step relationship started, which home is their main home, whether their other parent/family group is very involved (or even deceased), the divide of caring responsibilities in the house, and of course the feelings/wishes/needs of the child, surely?

I think like adoption or fostering relationships, it varies widely.

QuitMoaning · 30/08/2020 12:16

I definitely don’t love my stepson as much as I love my son however we do try and treat them equally (not necessarily the same as they are different people, but equitably).

TwelvetyOClock · 30/08/2020 12:26

My stepchildren live with us full time, their mother refuses to see them. I love them differently than I do my own DC- I think it would be impossible to feel exactly the same about someone you grew in your body and gave birth to and someone who didn't. But I still love them very, very much and they are treated the same as my children.
DH and I also have younger adopted children (kinship adoption so are related) and how I feel about them is, again, slightly different. But I still love them immensely.

aSofaNearYou · 30/08/2020 12:39

YANBU, it's a ridiculous expectation to put on step parents. There has been a lot of hardship related to my step son over the years, but I would say I love him about as much as I would love a nephew. I think that's plenty good enough. I wouldn't be giving up either of my kidneys, though!

Giespeace · 30/08/2020 12:50

I’d give up my kidney for the child of my brother, too!
Maybe I have a quite casual attitude to my organs, who knows?

HotDogKetchup · 30/08/2020 12:55

This is something that is said without thinking IMO. People would like it to be true but in reality it isn’t.

I love my nieces, but not like my son, I love my husband but not like my son. I certainly don’t love my SS like my son.

The whole package is pretty crap. When I initially took an interest I was told I’m not SS’ Mother. Now his Mum has moved on and has a DH of her own, she has changed her stance and talks about all four “parents”. Love them like your own, treat them like your own, but don’t forget they aren’t your own. There is a line in the sand so well hidden you’d be forgiven for not seeing it at all!

imissthesouth · 30/08/2020 12:56

It depends when they come into the life I guess, taking on a toddler or baby is much easier than a teen. After about 11 years old it's hard to form a bond with stepchildren. I'm sure i could love a stepchild as much as my own though

SunbathingDragon · 30/08/2020 13:02

I think it can depend. A stepparent who joins the family when the child is very young and the child’s other parent isn’t involved can be a different situation to a teenager who spends half or more time with the other parent.

MellowBird85 · 30/08/2020 13:27

I think people say this because they think it’s the right thing to do and makes them feel like a good person. I don’t love my DSC but I’m kind and polite to them which I think is all that can be expected, especially on an EOW basis and the fact they were primary school age when I first met them. I do agree though that all situations are different. The man I call dad is actually my stepdad but I was a baby when him and my mother got together, he lived with me full time and my bio dad wasn’t on the scene so he had complete freedom to put his “stamp” on my upbringing. Completely different circumstances.

allfalldown47 · 30/08/2020 13:28

I agree that it varies enormously, a step parent who lives with their step dc full time, from a young age will have a very different bond with them to someone who doesn't.
My dc very rarely see their Dad and he's had almost zero input in their lives, so dh is very much their 'Dad' and because he's done everything a parent would do over the years, my dc very much feel he loves them as he would his own dc.

Idroppedthescrewinthetuna · 30/08/2020 13:39

I don't have a step child. But my DP is stepdad to my eldest. He has known her since she was 5. Now she is almost 13. We have 2 DC together.
He may not love her the same as he loves his own. I completely understand that as I couldn't love any other child like I love mime. However, he doesn't show it to any of us. I wouldn't ask him as I feel that would be an unfair question to put to him.
However, he is a SAHD and looks after all children, he cooks for my DD and takes care to cook her enjoyable foods to accommodate her dietary needs. (Coeliac) He puts lots of time and effort into her mental wellbeing.
He will see something he knows my DD will like and buy it for her.
He may not love her as much as younger 2, but he really does treat her like his own.

Original poster

JustALonelyApple · 30/08/2020 13:51

As I said in my OP, there are certain circumstances where I could understand it more (met when baby and other parent isn't around so you are able to take on that role essentially). But I don't think I could ever love a child like my own when said child had two involved parents and I never really needed to be anything more than a step parent/ their parents spouse.

That's not to say I would treat them any differently to my own children. I think all children in the home should be treated equally of course. But if someone asked me, sorry there is just no way I could love my SC like I love my own it's a whole different ball game and yes I did meet them when they were fairly young. I wouldn't long for them the same if I stopped seeing them tomorrow, I don't miss them the same, I don't feel the surge of love when I look at them like I do mine. It's not to say I don't care or don't want them to do well in life.

I think as per PP a lot of people say this because they think it's what people expect or is the right thing to feel rather than actually feeling it if they were completely honest with themselves.

I hate that this level of unconditional love is what is expected of SPs on here sometimes. I think it's so unfair and unrealistic in the majority of cases and people need to accept that.

OP posts:

makingbacon · 30/08/2020 13:53

I love my DSS but no where near as much as I love my own DC. I think that's fairly normal!

ExtremelyBoldSquirrels · 30/08/2020 15:10

Of course they don’t. It’s a ridiculous expectation.

As a stepparent, my relationship with my stepchildren is defined by very different boundaries, expectations and roles than my relationships with my sons.

In fact, DH struggles with the ways that being the NRP affects his relationship with his DC. They feel very much like their mother’s children and he feels like he has limited control over their lives and behaviour. His ex won’t allow him to be involved and makes unilateral decisions about really important things. Plus we have to deal with the fallout from her parenting style (which can best be described as ‘dragging them up’) and it’s hard for him to feel like he can do much about, for example, how rude and demanding the children are. So that affects his relationship with them - not how much he loves them, but they do feel less like ‘his children’ the more his ex insists on marginalising him and the less effect he feels he can have over how they’re growing up.

I’ve got absolutely no control over any of that and didn’t start off loving them. So clearly I’ll feel differently about them to how I feel about my own children. I love my children unconditionally, and that’s not something I can feel towards what are very clearly other people’s children (even if I did marry their father).

zafferana · 30/08/2020 15:18

I think you're dead right OP and it goes the other way too. I don't think my step parents love me and I don't love them, despite them being in my life from birth and having become my step-parents when I was six. To be blunt, I wouldn't have chosen to have either of them in my life, either then or now.

ChickenFriedFudge · 30/08/2020 15:45

YANBU. @aSofaNearYou a nephew! Yes! This is a good way to explain it. I love my 4 SC's. They are my family, I have none of my own yet. But I just know that if I did it would be very different.

Feels like another stick to hit stepparents with.

ChickenFriedFudge · 30/08/2020 15:48

I also agree @justalonelyapple about you saying the surge of love and the not missing them.
If DH died or we split up, I don't think I'd carry on seeing them. I might do it gradually so it's not to much for them as we do get on very well and care for each other, but yeah there's not that 'Have to be with them until I'm dead' thing.

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