SS phones dad to tell him he doesn't want to visit

[jojo38]

Hi ladies.

I am at my wits end. SS phoned DH Friday afternoon to tell him he didn't want to visit. He is 9. This is not like him at all. DH takes these things very much to heart and starts to panic... obviously it is hurting him. He left to pick up SS a little earlier to talk to him. BM was being "supportive" of Dh, which didn't make any sense either.
It is said that ss doesn't like visiting here because the bunk bed sqeaks that he has to share with my ds. He says that ds "tells him off" for moving and making the bed squeak.
We had this problem last time. The last visit, ss was on his own. My two had gone to visit their father. So we had a chat about it. He turns round to me and says "I think it would be better if you get a wooden bunk bed so that it won't squeak." - bloody cheek. I said that I was impressed with his reasoning but we can't afford to replace the beds but I will make sure that there isn't a problem next time. OK, that was agreed. I sweated buckets tightening the thing up, putting an undermattress between the base and the frame... oh, I nearly died doing all that - on my own I might add... dh is a lazy git - another thing I resent!
So, now no squeaky bed... no problem... until ss makes this phone call. I am so p*ed off with this family, I can't tell you what I wanted to do with the bed!
It turns out that the excuse this time (so BM puts it)is that ss hasn't wanted to visit since we moved here.
My reaction was TOUGH! This is our home and this is where his father lives.
He has turned out to be a whingy-whiney little brat. I understand that there are times when such a young mind has difficulties in accepting situations... my own ds2 refused to see his father one time because of his sd and ss "picking on him". I know there is bound to be rivalry and jealousy at times... I try so hard to let ss have special time with his dad... but he also needs to understand that whilst he is here, he is part of this family too and not to be so "different" that he has to whinge to his daddkins everytime something doesn't go quite right for him. We got a call from BM because ss had whinged to her... I wouldn't mind if there was any specific problem. I would gladly fix it, but there isn't. Just a spoilt little brat, who I think BM has her claws into - just like she did with sd.
SS has been given a mobile phone by grandad (BM's father - another poisoned dwarf). SS is only 9yrs old.. and has a mobile phone. He is dancing round the house with it,playing the ring tones.. his fave is "old macdonald". It is driving me up the blinkin wall. I can only hope that the battery runs out... SOOON!!! or that will go where the sun doesnt' shine!
His manners are disgusting. I literally hate eating with this child. argh... you would heave... derrr... and everytime he is reminded, which is about every 5 seconds, he says he forgot. Daddy is firm with him but not enough. I had a real go one weekend... DH and ss ended up eating on their own in the garden! Help me please... please... I am really ranting on here, I hope it makes sense.

I thought I resented sd but this is getting really personal now.
I dont' think I should be a step parent... I would rather sink them in wet cement than look forward to his visit, or her phonecalls. I would never turn them away or not show some "love" for them, but it is getting more and more difficult.

Am I a terrible person? Does anyone else feel so darn awful about being a step?

I hate to say this but the problem may not be the SS but his mother. Is he being actively encouraged to find excuses not to visit as he knows that his mum doesn't want him to go? My DH's ex-wife tried various tricks like this when she realised that her kids actually looked forward to seeing me - suddenly the excuses started.... Maybe your DH should have it out with the BM and also tell his SS that he has to stay with you...parents usually do not agree with everything a 9 year old boy wants - if they did, kids would have every toy under the sun and eat only junk food - at that age to be honest his choice regarding visiting his father shouldn't come into the equation!

hi greeboclovis
Thank you for you reply. I do appreciate what you are saying. We have talked about BM - she has stopped them (skids-sd now 18)coming before. I even had a go at finding out about Malicious Mother Syndrome.
Dh says that BM wanted ss to visit and was actively trying to encourage him. This is a new tact from her but we are giving her the benefit of the doubt.
The break up of their marriage is bizzare to say the least. Put it this way, I have had to get good at jigsaw puzzles, pick up the pieces of Dhs life and putting it back together.

She has alientated sd - sd only phones when she wants money. She visits a boyfriend a fair amount - he lives round the corner from us. We have always encouraged her to pop in and have a cuppa or just to wizz in to say hi/bye. Dh misses her and ss so much. I do feel for him. Unfortunately Dh has no idea how to handle his own children. I don't suppose he dare.

BM can be and has been and no doubt will be a monster and will enforce yet another court appearance. I don't like to bad mouth BM's - I'm one! But she takes the biscuit. I will have to tell you about her on another thread sometime!

Hugs for your support - thanks. We will try to get more to the bottom of this for ss and dhs sake. My two are away next wk for a couple of days. ss is here then so there will be time for dh to spend special time with him.

{{{Hugs}}}

It's hard isn't it? I really don't know the answer to this but part of me wonders how much power should be given to a 9 year old to make these decisions? And I say that genuinely asking the question, as I don't know the answer. Sometimes there is a benefit to staying and working out the answer to the problem rather than having the option to walk away at such a young age. Would be interested to hear what more experienced parent/step-parents think about this one.

Agree though, it can be v hard to work out where adult thinking ends and child's thinking begins. That is true of all parents/children though, not just in these situations (although the impact can be greater as I am seeing at the moment!)

Sorry jojo, but I have to be unsupportive here. Has it occurred to you that you wouldn't want to go and stay with someone who would rather sink you in cement than look forward to your visits? I wouldn't want to go where I were so unwelcome, either. If it were your child, would you want to hand him over to the care of someone who described him as a whingey whiney brat and felt disgust when they sat at the same table as him?

I totally sympathise with the fact that he may be a nightmare, but FGS, he is 9 years old and has been through the heartbreak of his parent's divorce. Who is the adult here?

I agree that the BM may be stirring things, but at the end of the day, you are responsible for your responses, your behaviour and your relationship with this child. She's responsible for hers. You can't blame her for your feelings.

I think it does you credit that you want to address this, but I do think you need to start with being in control of your own reactions to this child. Your post made me shake with distress at the thought of ever being forced to send my little boy (who can often be a whingey whiney brat) into such hostile territory.

Sorry.

jojo i think you need to put it in perspective and accept this child for all his differences into your family not see him as a interloper who causes extra work Children can pick up on feelings and maybe this is waty he does not want to visit no one wants to feel they are in the way also he is aprt of teh family but he is in your dss room maybe you could find a way of having something that is his in the room to make him feel welcome even it only comes out when he stays

Hi

i think you need to be very careful that your latent hostility towards your dss isn't coming out without you possibly knowing. kids are moreintuitive than you imagine and of course no child wants to feel like a pest. not coming round because of a squeeky bed sounds like a very lame excuse, like he's hiding something more troubleing.
if we had given in to my youngest ss's "i don't want to go daddy's house" whines when we were picking himup, then we would have given in to a 3 year old who was really quite good at playing emotionalpower games -of course he knew by saying this that he would get extra hugs, kisses and reassurances from his mum before leaving, not because he really didn't want to come and stay.
i don't think 9 is too old to be a bit of a mummy's boy? is this it you think? if so just don'tpander to it.
if it's more to do with a manipulating ex then that's potentially much more disruptive? are you not able to approach her in the guise of a very concerned step-parent and ask her if youthink something might be troubling ss? something that all of yuo could work together to solve?
as for table manners: well if he's just a messy eater there's notmuch you can do, telling him he eats like a pig will just injure him. however if he's doing it deliberately have strict rules at table - what we do (with 2 rather slovenly eaters) is: any playing with food they get a warning, if they do it again they are asked to leave the table for 5mins. they learn that foods gets cold and so doesn't taste so good. if they mess with deserts (eg yogurts smeared all over face not going in mouth) we just take it away and bin it. we've only EVER hadto do this once beforethey learnt that messy eating is not funny and not acceptable.
i've learnt after a very hard period with my two ss that consistency and calmness is everything. firm but fair!
as for the phone, if you don't agree with him having it at his age (which i wouldn't) then say so - tell him he can't use it in your house.
just makewsurethat it isn't a case of one rule for him and another for your own kids.
Finally he IS your dh child so you're going to have to get over your negative feelings for him cos it'll just eat away at you and potentially ruin your relationship with him (and maybe your dh?)for rest of your life.

Valleygirl, I have to agree with you. When DH and I got married, he was the same with my 2. He didn't like the way DS ate at the table, and used to tell him he was like a pig etc...for a while DS was a bag of nerves at the table. If it had gone on indefinately, I would have ended up hating DH, as when he's hurting my kids he's hurting me. Kids do feel it, and I feel very sorry for the little lad involved. When my 2 go to their Dad's house, even though I hate his GF for breaking up our marriage I am at least happy that she seems genuinely fond of them, and if that wasn't the case I would be horrified to send my kids there. To be honest, if it is the BMs doing, I'm afraid I would do the same if I knew my child was having to put up with that hostility.

Don't be hard on Jojo, she obviously resent that a nine yr old can hurt so much her DH, and I agree that if you allow a child to not meet with his father just because a bed squeaks may be encouraging the kid to be the most selfish person in the world, not being able to notice that he is hurting other persons more than a squaky bed can hurt him. The fact that Jojo fixed the bed tell us that she cares but I doubt if any of you would happily welcome a child who is so difficult to please or whose behaviour is annoying you that much, if you believe you would just have a look at all the threads about other people's children misbehaving and you will realise that certain behaviours are not accepted even when they come from your best friend' s children. If a 9 yrs old decided not to come to my house because he doesn't like the house, hurting so much a person I love in the process, I would also be thinking about cement (metaphorically, of course) and would be shocked at how this child is openly allowed to be that rude.

But Chandra, there is a world of difference between Jojo's situation and the occasional annoying badly behaved child in your house. My DS's friend is like one of those kids in Little Angels before the psychologist arrives - perfectly awful! I would prefer my DS not to be friends with her, but I'm resigned to the fact that she's around and can tolerate her and be nice to her because I don't resent her - she's not threatening my relationship or household and I don't need to build up a good, loving relationship with her. And her mother doesn't mind sending her round to my place, because she's not sending her into a hostile environment. I think that's a very different situation to the one Jojo describes, where there are all sorts of other emotions and tensions involved.

Hang on Chandra, it's the adults who should be 100 per cent responsible for their behaviour and the way they express their feelings. You can't expect a little boy, who has gone through the trauma of his parents splitting up, to be more adult than the adults! And clearly complaints about squeaky beds are about something more - he's trying to say he's not happy, maybe as simple as being in an unfamiliar environment.
JoJo, it's good that you want to address the situation but you need to look at your own behaviour first and take some responsibility here. Try to imagine what the world is like from his point of view.

by the way, just to reassure you about the final comment on your message - you are not a terrible person - you're human and like everyone (step or biological parents)you've encountered a difficult patch. If you are concerned enough, and, might i add, brave enough, to vocalise your feelings, then it counts for alot i think.
Mumsnet helped me stop feeling like the worst person possible at times when i struggled really hard to come to terms with being suddenly faced with 2 kids to be responsible for.
Keep posting please.

JoJO

I've said on a number of threads that being a stepmother is probably one of the most difficult things I've ever done. It is natural to resent this part of the life that dh had before, especially if so much hurt was caused to your beloved in that life.

You have to try to show some affection for your stepson, hide your feelings, if only for dh's sake.
You did well to fix the bed after ss had mentioned it (and why didn't dh help?). I can see that having done that you felt tee'd off when he didn't come.

BUT.. making him visit if he really doesn't want to will only make him resent you and his dad. It may be that he wants to play with his friends on a Saturday, if he comes to you every week, then he doesn't have a normal social life like his school mates, and may even feel forced into some kind of friendship with your kids, even tho' they don't really get on.
My stepdaughter is 16, and has only just gained the confidence to tell us if she'd rather go out with her mates. Her father doesn't get hurt by it, he's pleased that generally she comes over, but doesn't feel pressured or made to do it.

As far as your ss's table manners are concerned, I think you may need to be more encouraging and less censorious.
Before you bring out the food, remind the children of their manners (I know yours don't need reminding, but include them anyway). Remember to praise good behaviour, try to ignore bad. Give it time, be patient, and as others have said remember he is just a little boy, who may feel unhappy in a home where he isn't comfortable.

p.s. I can remember going to stay overnight at a friend's house once when I was about 8 or 9. I was very unhappy, even tho' I was welcome and cared for. It just wasn't home. Perhaps he feels like that?

I have had a really good read and I have to say to all of you, (including and possibly especially Chandra for sticking up for me) and I have thought about this for a few days now. I have read your replies and I have to admit that you are right. THANK YOU for reinforcing my fears and helping me face them with support and help towards solving this problem. I know I have felt this way for some time and I expect it has built up over the years. I think I have to sit down with myself and give myself a good talking to!
THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart.

jojo, I think you may want to have a good think about your dh's role in all of this. I think the fact that you and not he did the fixing of the bunkbed may be indicative of a deeper problem. If your ss is coming for the weekend and you end up being the primary carer of him, then you end up resenting your ss for that and your ss will resent YOU for keeping him from his father (even though that's not what's actually happening). I found that with my skids, I had to deal with this with my dh. He tended to send the girls off with me for shopping trips etc. That was fun for all at first (especially before I had my own kids), but really they wanted to see him and I wanted to spend my weekends with my children (i work during the week) and the resentment grew. It was also fueled by an evil ex who worked very hard at convincing the children that they hated being at our house. She now wonders why they don't want to come and visit us any more. Being a step parent is hard work and it sounds like you are making really good efforts at doing your best to be a good one. I think that it's better to be honest to yourself about your feelings as long as you don't actually act on them. It hopefully helps get the resentments out. But most importantly I think it would help to identify the real causes of the resentments (a family counselor could help with this) and work on those. good luck.

Sofia, thanks for your reply, thanks all of you.

Last night dh and I had a good talk about my ds and his (ss).
We spoke more about ss because I needed to know more about what it is dh needs. I had a good think earlier and had come to the conclusion that ss does need more security from me and I don't give it... didn't give it.
I did nag him at the table. It is the way I have been brought up - to have decent table manners, amongst other things.

We touched on the subject of how this must make ss feel - I reminded dh that I have been telling him (dh) for months now that me telling him off all the time does not make him happy... it certainly does not make me happy.

Another thing that we - or I discussed with dh is dh's attitude toward me when ss is here. I couldn't put my finger on it before but I can now. dh would constantly ask me if I am ok and if there is a problem... or he would put it in a way like: "whats up now?" I know ss would look at him and dh would look at ss and make faces to eachother - almost to say they don't knw why there is a problem etc... when there isn't at all.
I started pointing this out to dh at the time it happened. I would ask him not to put me in that position while ss was here, and I put it as bluntly as "will you please stop making up stories about me that hurt me".

I have really thought long and hard about my role in all this. I speak to you honestly, ok? I feel like the one who is pushed out. Example, dh would say something funny, ss would laugh and oh what a jolly good daddy he is.... I would make a joke/say something funny at another time and they would sit there shrugging their shoulders at each other. This I find makes me feel more resentful about both of them than ever.

Ss IS a spoilt brat... I mean that in its most basic terms, not maliciously. My mum came in the other day (and she will call a spade a spade), bought some chocolate for the boys, all of them. White choc... ss is not supposed to have normal brown stuff. He sits there, no thank you, no eye contact with my mum, nothing.

He just stares at this chocolate and nothing. My mum did say something to him like, " what do you say?" he says oh, my mum lets him know that she bought white chocolate, thinking of him. He tells her that he can eat the other chocolate... still no thank you. I sat there very embarrassed. My mum dealt with it, got her thank you in the end but took some doing. TBH, I felt like taking the chocolate off of him.

There are so many other situations but I think I have gone on enough. Just to say that I have told dh that I am backing off and that he must take more control of disciplining his son. He never does, just says his name in a disappointed way. What will he learn from that? Oh well, dh is just going to have to learn. All this trying to help ss was causing me to resent him and that is not what I wanted to happen.

I have told dh that ss is to see our relationship secure and strong and loving. He needs to see us happy and not walking on glass everytime ss visits. dh has to take more of a role, and yes sofia - It was me that did the bed - on my own while he sat downstairs, it is me who is the prime carer when ss visits. You are right that this has caused me a huge resentment.

I am sorry I have rambled again but Thank you all. I am so relieved that I posted this and that I have now a plan of action.

ss's next visit is Wednesday to sunday. My 2ds's are away when he is here but back on saturday. I have told dh that he is to take at least ONE WHOLE day off work and do something special withh is son, just him and ss... not me. The next day we will do something less special together so that it won't take the shine of his time with his dad, yet still enjoy time with me and his dad. At least that is my plan. Fingers crossed.

Sounds like a good plan, Jojo38. You are quite right about making dh take the responsibility here.

Thanks edam... It's a relief just thinking about it. It feels even better putting it down in black and white - will feel fantastic, I hope, when put into action. Just feel that I dribbled on a bit... sorry, and thanks.

You didn't! (dribble on, that is). And no need to apologise for asking for advice here, that's exactly what MN is for. I've had some great advice and support here in my time, do please keep posting when you need to sound off.

sounds like a great, well thought out plan jojo. Hey, I just thought...wouldn't it be more fun for ss to visit when your ds's are there? And also, maybe easier for you because they can entertain each other. And then when your ds's go to their father, you and your dh can have a bit of time just to yourselves...which it sounds like you probably need.

Hi ladies... thanks again.

ss does visit when ds's are here for most of the time. And for the most of that time when they are together they get on really well. I suppose I am really lucky. They have got on well right from the start. the oldest ds is a lot older now that he is 14, going on 32! ss tends to hang on to him a little too much but that can only be expected because he has a sister (sd), now 18, who has been his surrogate mum for the past 5yrs. He is learning to break away from ds now and play more with my youngest. It's the times when ss and ds do not get on that is a worry. I know that this is only natural, but dh does tend to make a meal of things sometimes. This causes ss to really play on it and he is one of these types of children who go home to mummy and tell everything. This causes BM to add fuel to the fire in her own little way and so on and so on. We are getting more wise to this.
On the whole, ss is a good kid and intelligent too. He has difficulties but that again is only to be expected.
It has been mentioned by BM that ss wants time with daddy on his own... and I think that should happen occasionally.

Every year we get a list of dates from BM, usually EOW visits. From that (up until last year) I used these dates to organise the rest of the family. My x lives about 100 miles away, (not far enough) so he can't make it EOW. I arranged the dates so that we (dh and I) could 1 wkend on our own, 1 wkend with just his two, 1 wkend with just my two and 1wk end with full house. Which ever way round it went, it worked. My ex decides that it is not good enough and puts his foot in it everytime I try to arrange a visit for my two... so I gave up in the end. I now wait until ex asks me when he is seeing them next, I tell him, he usually decides he can't do that weekend, so it starts all over again... so, when it does work, things run fairly smoothly.

I had a text from ex yesterday, telling me he can collect dss on Monday night. They seem happy enough to go so at least dh and I can have one whole day (evening really) on our own. ss comes on weds. My two arrive back on saturday afternoon, so they will have time with ss saturday and sunday before ss goes home. Fingers crossed it will work out OK for all. I will let you know!!

Thanks again for putting up with me.
{{{{{Hugs}}}}}
BTW, went to my eldest son's first band gig tonight... they were really good!!! I'm so proud.

Well done Jojo38 for trying so hard to sort out such a complex situation. It's very hard to love any child who is whiney and bad mannered - particularly when he or she is not your own child. It takes so much time and energy to sort these problems out and it's often easier to get angry and let the problem fester than summon up the energy to resolve it, particularly when you have your own kids to deal with.

Even though I now get on very well with my own sd, it hasn't always been the case. There were times when I really didn't like her - or more probably I didn't like the way she behaved. I suppose it's very confusing for skids as they live in two different homes by two different sets of rules and expectations. I think it's really important to agree ground rules with your dh and make sure you support each other in front of your ss.

Good luck and let us know how you are get on.

good luck I hope it all works out - I am sure it will

SS came over today for a few minutes to sign a card. sd brought him over. she was fine, no probs apart from being in a hurry.

SS ignored me. Yes, it hurt but he didn't say hello, or goodbye. He clung to dh like a drowning baby. I stood back and let it happen.

I know I haven't done anything that terrible! that he totally ignores me. My two ds's were here too. ss sails past me to my youngest ds who is on the xbox. Yes, I expect that is all that was on his mind but still. Dh didn't stop him, so I just let it happen.

Sd was in a hurry so they didn't stay long, thankfully.

Just keeping you up to date. Thanks for being there. {{{hugs}}}