Would you see not having to deal with DSC as a positive of leaving your relationship?

[LonelySpider]

There's a few issues going on at the moment for me and DH that I won't go into massively here.

But one thing I've been thinking recently is how good it would feel if I left to just have to deal with me and my DC rather than DSC too.

Now I know that doesn't sound very nice but let me clarify why.... I really do like my DSC but I have fallen into the typical default mother role when they are with us and tbh it's draining and while it doesn't cause resentment toward the children themselves, it does breed some annoyance.

I look after them alone all the time, I do everything for them in the house, I'm the only person who does anything with them on a weekend, I'm the one they come to now for anything because they know their dad is useless.

I've tried to just stop but it's too difficult when you have your own DC in the house too. I can't just not make them dinner when I'm cooking or not wash their clothes when I'm doing my DCs. I can't just sit there and watch them sleep in bed sheets that haven't been changed for however long because DH is too lazy to do it whilst my DC have theirs changed, I can't just take my DC out and leave them sat in the living room while their dad naps.

I feel like I've got a bunch of children that I'm solely responsible for that I never asked for.

I understand the whole 'you married a man with kids' and I've built a good relationship with them and was happy to help. But no I didn't expect to become a default parent and have all their care essentially passed onto me.

I feel like if I left it would be a massive relief to only have myself and my DC to think about (I only have 1) and honestly I feel like I'd just be glad not to have the responsibility anymore.

I was talking to my mother about it and she's of the 'its not the children's fault, would you not feel bad leaving them knowing their father wasn't going to do much with/for them' train of thought. Like yes to a degree I would but I just think it's not my responsibility to stay because of that is it? And tbh, as much as I do like them I probably wouldn't want to get into a situation where I still saw them regularly after a split (my DC is their half sibling so I can see that being suggested already).

Does your DH do anything for your shared child when your DSC aren't there or does that all fall you as well?

To put it bluntly I don't think your husband will change unless he's forced to which ultimately means you either being absent while his children are there or leaving permanently. I don't see why you can't take your child out while he naps - it's boring for his DC but they are safe and in the house it's not like your leaving them in physical danger.

If you were to split it would be up to him to facilitate a relationship between his DCs not you so I don't think you need to worry about that.

I’m so glad I’m not having to deal with any stepchildren anymore. I knew before I split with my ex that this would be a big positive change in my life. That sounds really mean, but as the saying goes, “Do something you future self will thank you for”, and getting out of stepparenting if definitely something I won’t regret in years to come.
My ex never made any of it worth it but that’s another thread completely, so there really wasn’t any hope of me ever truly warming to being a stepparent. Add in the ex wife thinking I should love her child as much as she does... it was so suffocating and miserable.

Yes I would, and there's absolutely no shame in how you feel. Your mother is being unfair putting the responsibility on you to make up for their father's failings.

Your DH sounds useless, where is he while you're doing it all?

Sorry I didn't think this thread posted at first so I've done two 🤦‍♀️

But thank you for the replies! It's such a pain. I wish I could just go on strike but I feel like I can't when I'm doing things for my own DC.

This is very sad to read and really not your fault. Personally I'd sit him down and list all the things you've done for him, dsc, dc and make a comparison with how your week/weekend would be if you left him and it was just you and your 1 dc. Then ask him if he can understand why you are at the end of your tether and considering leaving him. If you think that a conversation face to face would get heated or you'd get gaslighted then email it instead. Ask him if he has a solution he'd like to try other than separation as that is your next step. If he doesn't see a problem or implement a solution I would leave.

OP, this doesn't sound so much like a DSC issue as an 'other parent not pulling their weight' issue.

You wouldn't feel so much like you're doing all the work if he were doing more, regardless of how the children came to be in your care.

The DSC component of your situation has just served to highlight how little he's supporting you or his own children.

Hell yes it would be the no 1 benefit

Yes, it would be a benefit if I'm honest.
As things stand resentment will destroy the relationship with their father in the end.

Yes this thought has definitely crossed my mind! But for 27 year old, child-free me to get with an older divorced man with 3 DC he had to be bloody worth it - and he is Also, at the start of our relationship I was like that old nanny that was interviewed on Mrs Doubtfire: “I don’t do diapers, I don’t do groceries, I don’t do stories...” Basically made it clear that I wouldn’t become default childcare because that’s how resentment creeps and this is emanating from your post.

@MellowBird85 that made me laugh

@MellowBird85

Yes this thought has definitely crossed my mind! But for 27 year old, child-free me to get with an older divorced man with 3 DC he had to be bloody worth it - and he is Also, at the start of our relationship I was like that old nanny that was interviewed on Mrs Doubtfire: “I don’t do diapers, I don’t do groceries, I don’t do stories...” Basically made it clear that I wouldn’t become default childcare because that’s how resentment creeps and this is emanating from your post.

Does it work for both of you? My BF who is 25 and a bit younger than me is concerned that in the future he won't be able to 'handle' having kids in his life all the time if we ever lived together and he feels he's wasting my time when I could be looking for someone who would embrace my kids. He's never wanted kids and while he gets on well with mine (7 and 10) they're not always a walk in the park, especially DS. Difference is I have my kids all the time unless I'm in work as their dad is a waste of space and never has them.

@toiletpaper yes it does. Don’t get me wrong, we’ve gone through some really rough patches and at times I questioned whether I could do it (especially when he was Disney dad-ing in the early days) but compromises were made and we worked out what our boundaries were, etc. But this is an EOW arrangement with plenty of opportunity for dating / couple time which helped massively.