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Original poster

Taking DD away whilst DSS is poorly

24 replies

LalaLucyLoo · 26/08/2020 16:56

I have been with my DP for 4 years. We don't live together (although thinking about it!). I have DD15 and he has a DS10.

My DSS (not my official DSS but putting that for ease) was diagnosed with an illness earlier this year, and has been having fairly intense treatment that will last until middle of next year. It's been pretty stressful.

My DD suffers from anxiety. She has asked if me and her can have a few days away in October half term (in the UK and assuming we can with Covid-19).

The problem is I feel guilty taking her away whilst my DP can not join or bring his DS. We do do things separately with our own kids of course, I just wondered whether it would seem wrong of me to do this whilst DSS is poorly. I'm not sure how my DP would react, but I can imagine he may think I am being insensitive.

What are everyone's thoughts? I'm really not sure what to do. Thank you Smile

OP posts:
LordOftheRingz · 26/08/2020 16:59

I think it is fine. You do not live together and it is a great idea to spend time with your daughter alone. I do not see an issue, also if you DSS is that vulnerable he surely can't be up for mixing in this climate.

SpaceOP · 26/08/2020 17:00

I think this is perfectly reasonable. My only rider would be that a treat for your DSS would also be nice. Me and DH have two DS and it wouldn't be weird for one of us to do something special with the other one. As long as it wasn't done in a way that made the other one feel bad.

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 26/08/2020 17:00

You're not living together, and you both do things separately with your dc anyway.

Just take her away. Your dp doesn't have any say, or cause to react at all.

Itsjustabitofbanter · 26/08/2020 17:00

Of course you take your dd away! It shouldn’t make a difference whether your boyfriends son is ill or not. You’re not even living together. Why would you let your boyfriend dictate whether you go away with your daughter for a few days?

Azerothi · 26/08/2020 17:01

Surely if it is good for your daughter and she has asked you, you would put her needs above those of your boyfriend and his son? I doubt your boyfriend wouldn't like you doing something in your child best interests, would he? Please take her and have a great time just the two of you.

SnuggyBuggy · 26/08/2020 17:03

Even if they were full siblings and DSS wasn't ill a 15 year girl is very different to a 10 year old boy and it wouldn't be unreasonable for you to have some of your own time away together.

excelledyourself · 26/08/2020 17:29

I'm concerned that you even feel the need to consider this might be an issue for your DP.

Your child, your time, your money - your choice.

I'm sympathetic to his child's situation, but it's just all the more reason for you to take the opportunity to spend time with your own child while she stills wants to.

Original poster
LalaLucyLoo · 26/08/2020 17:33

Thanks for all the replies. Normally I wouldn't even think twice about this, it is just because his DS is so poorly and I'm not too sure what is going to happen regarding his recovery etc. and I wouldn't want to seem like I'm being insensitive.

OP posts:
Itsjustabitofbanter · 26/08/2020 18:12

You’re being sensitive to your daughters needs. She’s your priority, not your boyfriends son. It’s horrible that his child is unwell, but that doesn’t mean your child has to suffer or miss out. I’d consider it a serious red flag if he got upset about you going away with your own child for a few days. You’re obviously very considerate of his child and situation, he should be returning you the favour.

SpongebobNoPants · 26/08/2020 19:33

@LalaLucyLoo please take her. Your DD needs the break and don’t ever feel guilty about putting her needs first. She is your baby and it sounds like it will really benefit her to have some time to relax with you

DimidDavilby · 26/08/2020 19:36

Have you told her that you're considering not taking her because of the illness of a child she is not related to?!

chinateapot · 26/08/2020 19:37

I think you maybe need to have an honest conversation with your DP and see how he feels. Perhaps depends how close the relationship is and what you would normally do re holidays.

My daughter has just been through some very intense treatment for a childhood malignancy. It is very painful to see them missing out on “normal” things. Her older sister did go away with a friend for a few days and that was good though. How much of a support are you / do you want to be to your DP? How much does he need / want you there? All relevant questions I think.

Original poster
LalaLucyLoo · 26/08/2020 19:52

There is no guarantee that DSS' treatment is going to be successful but obviously we're trying not to think about that.

DP does rely on me for support but I don't think me going away for a few days would be a huge problem for him (I'd hope not anyway).

It does look like everyone agrees that I should take my DD away, I just wanted to check that I wasn't being insensitive / uncaring.

OP posts:
forrestgreen · 26/08/2020 20:03

If you were living together it would be a bit odd, but in effect he's your boyfriend. So it's fine to go away. Maybe make him some home cooked meals for while you're away ?

lunar1 · 26/08/2020 20:31

I can't see why you wouldn't, it's not like you are trying mo make your partner go and leave his son while I'll.

funinthesun19 · 26/08/2020 21:43

Even if you were living together it would be ok. Your DD can’t be forgotten about in the midst of the stressful time you’ve all been going through.

And like a pp said, it’s not like your dp would be going. It’s some time away with just you, her mum. Please go!

lyralalala · 28/08/2020 03:48

You and DD having a girly few days is absolutely fine.

It might have been a bit insensitive to have a family holiday with all of you, but not DSS, but that's not what you are doing.

Take your DD away and have a lovely time.

DancingCatGif · 28/08/2020 03:50

You don't even live together so it's a complete non issue

SandyY2K · 28/08/2020 18:52

Doesn't DSS have a mum who works provide support?

Original poster
LalaLucyLoo · 28/08/2020 19:57

@SandyY2K DP doesn't rely on his ex for support for himself. Things can sometimes be a little tricky between them too.

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 28/08/2020 20:10

DP doesn't rely on his ex for support for himself. Things can sometimes be a little tricky between them too.

I see.

I'd like to think they could put their differences aside and focus on their DS....but i know it's not always that easy.

I think going away with your DD.....especially as she's specifically asked is a good thing.

It's like you're abandoning him and I'm sure you'll call him while you're away.

It's been a very difficult year for everyone

Original poster
LalaLucyLoo · 28/08/2020 21:13

@SandyY2K They've done pretty well in putting their differences aside, it's always bubbling away just below the surface though...

I would love to take my DD away for a few days, I just didn't want people to think I was being a bit insensitive.

Yes this year has been pretty dreadful!

OP posts:
Byallmeans · 28/08/2020 21:17

Take her away for a few days it will do her the world of good for you both. Your dd mental health is important too

SandyY2K · 28/08/2020 22:01

TYPO

It's NOT like you're abandoning him and I'm sure you'll call him while you're away.

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