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Step-parenting

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Need help dealing with these emotions

7 replies

Kimbo180 · 23/08/2020 14:13

So with partner 5 years his lil daughter was 2 when he seperated. I love this child as shes my own we have a great relastionship. Anyways the contact 2 nights weekend 1 night 1 night then 2 nights.each month. Which works well for both sides. So recently id say over the last month she just sobs her heart out not to go home. Partner had a chat with her and told him shes bored at her house. Anyway it absoulty breaks my heart to see her so upset. I dont know what to do doing or saying coz it starts from the time she wakes up on the day she goes. Anyone any ideas on trying to cope with it

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Kimbo180 · 23/08/2020 14:25

Meant to add to that they have loads of contact during weekdays too as he has to older daughters they all go out together. Im wondering if it is s stage shes going trough i dont know she has loads of 1 to 1 time to

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CBADotCom · 24/08/2020 11:03

So SDD is at least 7?

Are there siblings at her Mums house? If so, could be a stage she's going through in that she wants some 1-2-1 time, which she gets with your DP (you dont mention other children living at your home so am presuming there's none?). Plus she also gets 'big girl time' when she's out with her older sisters which maybe makes her feel special too. Which is lovely btw not a criticism.
(My DSS used to cry when he was due to go back to his Mums and it was primarily due to the fact at DPs he had his own room and was only child - at his mums he had 2 younger siblings and had to share his room and her attention)

However, whatever the reason, there's not a lot you personally can do. Your DP needs to speak with DSS about why she's so upset and if he's concerned take it up with his ex. If DSS cries to you, soothe her but say if there's something bothering her she needs to speak to Mum/Dad about it - you obviously care for her but as a step parent we tred a very fine line and if you try to resolve this yourself you are at risk of motives being misinterpreted.

unicornsarereal72 · 25/08/2020 08:01

I use to cry leaving my mum to visit my dad and then cry when I had to come home. It still makes me tearful when I leave my dad now.

As a child I was sad that my parents weren't together. And I had to be with one or the other of them.

As an adult I'm sad that my dad is getting older and he is so far away. A plane ride away.

As pp said her father needs to talk to her and reassure her. I'm sure in time this will pass

aSofaNearYou · 25/08/2020 08:53

My DSS7, who was previously perfectly happy to go back to his mum's, has started to become upset about it during lockdown. Partly it's because he has a sibling here who he misses, but the main reason is that because he's not in school and his mum is working, he feels very bored and ignored at his other home. He's the kind of kid who wants constant stimulation, and since in our house there are two adults and another child, it's been much easier to keep him entertained around doing work than I'm sure it has been for his mum, who is a single parent and works full time.

Since you mention a similar time scale and her being bored, could it be something like that? I'd venture there are a lot of step kids developing a "grass is greener" mentality right now as everyone is just trying to muddle through and home life is more challenging than usual. We may have our differences with DSS's mum but it's not fair on her to be blamed for having to work while he's at home, and you have to be careful to reinforce that message.

We've had a lot of talks with DSS, explaining that while he's normally at school, the grown ups get all their work done, and they still need to get it done now he isn't. We praise him for being patient and mature etc, encourage him to get into hobbies that might fill his time better (he doesn't concentrate on anything for very long). Perhaps a bit of transparency with her - ie explain what is different about this year and how difficult it's been for everyone, including parents, will make her feel respected and help her get on board.

Tiredoftattler · 25/08/2020 14:38

When my daughter was between 6 or 7 , she began to cry every time we would leave her grandmother ' s house. She would weep unconscionably. She would say over and over " I don't want to go. "

It took us weeks to find out that she was afraid that her grandmother was going to die. She had seen a movie where the elderly grandmother died , and she thought that because her grandmother was old ( in her 6 year old eyes) that her grandmother would soon die.

Fortunately, after much talking and consoling, we were able to help her understand that what happens in a movie is not meant to foreshadow what is going to happen in your life.

Thankfully, many years later, nana is still very much an active and engaged part of my daughter 's life.

I guess that kid's experience things in certain ways that they cannot always articulate. In our efforts to understand what was going on, we made several erroneous assumptions as to the cause of her problem..

We only had our first accurate insight into the cause of the problem when weeks later my 9 year old niece mentioned in passing how my daughter had cried throughout a movie that the 2 of them were watching.

I thought that as a family , we were very attentive to what the kids watched on the television. The movie was a benign family rated movie, and we had no reason to expect that kind of reaction.

I guess you do not always know what can be triggers for some kids . The 9 year old enjoyed the movie with no adverse reactions. The younger child experienced it very differently.

MeridianB · 25/08/2020 16:00

We had a phase of this around the same age. I think there was a big emotional leap and things fell back into place again after a few months.

Kimbo180 · 25/08/2020 17:04

Thanks a mllion for your feed back means a lot. I feel sorry for her mum aswell trying to juggle home life aswell as work. We have a good co parent going between us hes not a disney dad thank god ..plus its Very hard to try entertain kids in these tough times. Hopefully when she gets back to school soon it will ease.

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