Weekends off & no family time

[CoconutGal]

Recently moved my DD & myself with OH & his 2 young kids. He has them at weekends. I work every other weekend so I only see them 2 weekends out of 4 each month.

OH hasn't hidden to me how he feels he is with his kids. He says he would like to be more relaxed with them, more playful with them & be able to do things with them like baking etc. But he doesn't. He will spend the time sleeping in, watching tv, or on the PlayStation. He doesn't engage with the kids. When we do things as a group it's a rush to get home because to be frank I don't think OH wants to be around the kids. I adore them. Like they're my own. But I'm doing everything with them. I have spoken to him about this before & told him he needs to be more engaged with them. He apologises, says he knows & will try.

I'm at a loss. On the weekends I work, I call & chat to the kids & OH. They don't do anything. They watch tv for the full 2 day weekend until they go to bed. I just feel like OH says he wants to be involved more but it's a cop out to sweeten me up. Frankly today, I've had enough. Deep inside I'm raging but the kids are still here & I won't discuss any of it in front of them.

That sounds shit. How long have you been together? What prompted moving in together?

It’s not your job to care more about them than their own father.

Is your DD with him and his two every other weekend while you’re working or is she with her dad?

How long have you been together and did you not know he was last and disengaged before you moved in together?

He sounds crap. But what can you do about it? If it’s not hurting you it’s entirely his decision to carry on being rubbish, they know what he’s like, his ex will hear from the kids, you really must have had a pretty good idea.

Are you planning to have children together?

If it’s not working go back to desperate households.

Thanks for your replies, moving in was prompted by splitting time between two houses & increasing bills when we would have all the kids in one house. So we moved into his house because it's cheaper in the long run. We've been together almost a year & a half. I don't think there's a great deal I can do aside from take away from it that at least the children are doing things when I'm here. When I'm working DD is with her dad. It makes me feel sad though to think that this is how their weekends are.

And no....there will be no plans for more children as yet. That's quite far off the plans I think.

That does sound a bit crap but ultimately he's not hurting them and they are safe. I think you need to take a bit of a step back here. They are his children to parent as he sees fit.

I do agree, I do need to take a step back. But how far back do you step when you're the one up before they're up in the morning & he's still not up at 9:30am? I try not to take a lead & try & keep to entertaining the kids instead of parenting.

You've been together a year and half and moved in with two sets of kids! I thought the way you were talking it been 3 years. He saw you coming entertaining his kids didnt he.

there will be no plans for more children as yet. That's quite far off the plans I think.

Umm what?

He will spend the time sleeping in, watching tv, or on the PlayStation. He doesn't engage with the kids. When we do things as a group it's a rush to get home because to be frank I don't think OH wants to be around the kids.

You want ^this for your future children? Tbh I’m disgusted you have accepted it for your existing children.

Do better for them. They can’t make the choice. You can.

I’m a DSM and what I’ve learnt is - not your kids, not your problem.

Let him parent as he sees fit or it will eat you up inside.

How young are his kids? Sounds like he's moved you in to do the donkey work. I'd be off like a shot. Less than 18 months (and you've clearly been there a number of weeks already) is far too early when you have kids involved.

He's basically too lazy to do anything with them. That's it in a nutshell... when you're there you end up waking up before him to look after them and that's where I would draw the line.

I wouldn't get up if he didn't. It's just lip service saying he wants to do these things... he can't be bothered.

He'll end up being the your of dad who knows so little about his kids because he doesn't engage with them. They will remember that it was you who did these things and when they can't be bothered visiting him as they grow older he'll be saying he doesn't know why...and if he had a new partner (because you're relationship has ended)... they'll be saying how awful his kids are and how they never bother with him and he loves them so much.

What they don't see is that the relationship had no substance to it....beyond DNA.

typo

He'll end up being the kind of dad

He knows it’s a problem and he still doesn’t care enough to do anything about it. I wouldn’t want a partner who was a lazy and selfish parent (did have one and he is now exh.) Doesn’t it put you off him generally?

Yuck. He saw you coming didn't he OP. Run and do not have children with this lazy selfish man.