What can I call myself?

[CharlottesComplicatedWeb]

My stepdaughter and her partner have just had their first baby. He’s perfect 😊 DH massively proud and excited. We’ve been married 11 years (together 15yrs). The relationship with his children from his first marriage with me, was not easy, though it’s much better now. I came along 3 years after their parents split, due to their mum having met someone else.

My question is... what will I “be”? What do I call myself. Baby has two grandmas. I don’t want to encroach on that, in any way. DH’s Ex would be very upset. We went through a phase of family events where she wouldn’t go if I was there so I’d back down, because her kids wanted her there obviously. I used to get upset but not now.

Anyway, DH said “you can be “Auntie Charlotte” but I think that’ll rattle his youngest daughter who didn’t have contact with us for over 4 years, so distressed was she after Dad met and married me.

Any ideas? I was thinking I’d just be “Charlotte”?

TIA 😊

I would let your step daughter and her partner lead on this. I don't think it's your choice to make.

I was thinking I’d just be “Charlotte”?

I think this is the choice that is least likely to cause any kind of problems.

I'd definitely say it's up to the parents, unless you were sure you just wanted to remain 'Charlotte'. My step son has a very complicated family and all the biological grandparents have a title, obviously, but the non-biological are a mix between having a title and using their name. My stepson chose to give my parents a title when we got married but other non-bio grandparents had their title/name decided when he was young. If I were you, I'd wait and see if the parents say anything about it

@Justmuddlingalong yes, that might be best. I just don’t want them to feel I have to have a title, as such.

My SM is granny Z as opposed to granny Y and X to my kids but it was definitely me deciding.

I would wait and see what your stepdaughter does; my DSD is still young so I’ve never really thought about it but I imagine I’ll just be my first name.

My step-grandmother was only ever called by her name. She married my grandfather when I was about four or five.
She is also the only grandmother I had as both of mine had already died by the time I was two years old.
In your shoes I would just use your name.

My daughters step son started out calling me lisa but that did t last once his baby brother was born and he soon started calling me grandma x
In his eyes he's just the same as his brother and so I'm going to be grandma no matter how many times we try to correct him 🥰
But and this is important to me his real full grandparents are happy with this and love that we have never favourited one over the other ( in their words a child can never have too many grandparents to love him ) 🥰

The younger daughter is probably just worried that it decides what all the grandchildren call you.

I would get your DH to ask her, my (step) dad is grandad to my children, his parents were grandparents to my brother and I.

There are so many terms you could use which aren't your name, you've been in their life a long time, even if some of it has been bumpy. Would Nana or Nannie work?

Your DH could make sure they younger one knows she is free to make her own choice when the time comes.

I'm nanny followed by name. As is my ss mam and his partners mother. Led by them I didnt assume what I would be but let my ss approach it with me.

I'm really touched and it means lot to me that he has chosen to do that.

I think auntie makes no sense. So either a variation of what ever they are using for other parents or your name.

I am in a similar position and am just "Mary". I don't want to be nana/granny.

I've got 4 sets of step-grandkids. I've always gone along happily with whatever the respective parents have decided and we've never had any problems. Between them they cover pretty much all the options. Makes no odds to me. I treat all my step-kids and step-grandkids as I would if they were my blood but do not expect or demand reciprocation. Genuine love, affection and selflessness tends to solve any problems that blended families might otherwise suffer from.

We went through a phase of family events where she wouldn't go if I were there and I'd back down, because her kids wanted her there obviously.

What kind of events were these, were they ones that focused on the kids like their birthdays/graduation? How was it handled? To be honest if these were whole family events I think it sounds like they have previously treated you like crap and are likely to continue to, and you shouldn't be falling over yourself to gain their approval.

They were big birthdays and graduations. I WAS going to one of them but a week before, ExW said she wouldn’t go. DSD was so upset at the thought of her Mum not being there, that I just said it was fine, I’d stay home. I had a lovely day, wore the dress I’d bought specially for the occasion and went out with a friend.

I think just my name will be fine. I’ll be guided by Mum & Dad but Nan or Nannie is right out as her Mum will be Nannie K and partner’s Mum Nannie L.

I agree, Auntie is confusing as there are siblings and altogether 6 aunts/uncles!

My children call their step GM Auntie (her name), but in my culture it's disrespectful to call someone older by their first name.

Let them decide if it won't bother you.

When DSD was pregnant she asked what I wanted to be called. I asked what her mom and the baby's dad's mom was being called and 1 wanted Nanny and the other Nana so I went with Grandma to limit any upset. As it is I am the only one that really see's him (DSD is no contact with her mom since the day of the birth) and Nana doesn't like having to run around after them .

FWIW actually I have always just been my first name to kids and don't really care about titles, you get out what you put in and I would rather be my name and have a good relationship than have a title but relationship.

I agree that you should let them decide.

My stepdad is John to my children. My mum had only been with him 3 years when DS1 was born and anything else would be weird. He’s Grampa to my sister’s kids, but they’d been together 15 years by the time she had her first.

DH’s stepmum is Nana Jane to DS3 and the DSC. She’s been his stepmum for over 30 years and it seemed sensible. His mum played the martyr about not being able to be nana (even though the other two were nana Jane and nana Sue) and said she’s have to be grandma instead. She’s hard work.

I think it is very sweet that you’re asking and shows you’re a really lovely stepmum/gran.

Have a google of all the options that are not Grandma. Ask your SD and if she doesn’t have anything in mind then you could suggest from your list.

Good luck and enjoy the little one!