Step parent challenges

[KV143]

I feel awful writing this as I take my step parent responsibilities v seriously, but up I’m struggling. I have been suffering chronic pain for 2 years which it seems stems from a stupidly busy job, v long commute combined with 50/50 step parenting. I sold my home and moved to a new area (and paid for the majority of the house) when I married my Dh 5 years ago. He’s a good man and I love him dearly but I’m just finding it step parenting much harder than I thought it would be. I’m permanently exhausted and now on anti-depressants. Not helped by poor communication between my Dh and his ex and their v different parenting styles. I’ve had to take a step back in my career and reduce my hours. Lock down has been hard as my ss developed anxiety and refused to leave mum (they have always been extremely close) which made me wonder why I’ve spent the last 5 years destroying My health to facilitate ss’s relationship with dad. Now ss is a bit better and we get instructed at short notice when ss will be staying with us whether it’s convenient or not. I’m trying to get back to work after a time off sick and the lack of control I have over all areas of my life is increasing my pain again. I’m always, researching things to do to make ss visits fun, trying to be fun, breezy sm when ss is here (while feeling like I’m constantly walking on eggshells in my own home or isolated keeping out the way so ss and dad have quality time together) and looking after ss when dh is working. I feel like an awful person for writing this as ss is just a kid but I could genuinely just run away right now. Any advice to help make this step parenting thing a little easier?

Sympathies OP, I massively struggled to find a sensible balance when I moved in with DP (I also have health problems).

How old is SS, and how often do you look after him while your DH is working?

I think it’s disrespectful of your DH (and to a lesser extent his Ex, though tbf it’s not her responsibility) to not be firmer about set contact times. It’s not OK to spring contact on you without warning if you’re struggling as it is. I understand it’s at times when SS feels comfortable with it, but is it not possible for there to be set times in which you “expect” to have him (say, every other full week) and he either decides he’s comfortable coming during that time or not? And if DH and SS decide they want to do something outside those times they could do an outdoor activity, eg a walk in the woods or in the park, something like that.
I know that as a SP we sign up to some logistical difficulties here and there, but your DH needs to show some respect to you and try and get a more structured framework put in place for contact.
How often does SS visit currently?

Step back. Tell your H that if he’s got 50/50 that’s on him to facilitate, not you. That you’re happy to be an extra parental figure in the background but you can’t do the parenting for him and that he and his ex need to sort their own childcare issues because it’s making you ill.

If he doesn’t make some changes and start doing the majority of the parenting when ss is with you himself, move out.

No advice, OP, but lots of sympathy. Step parenting is hard at the best of times and these certainly aren’t the best of times. I’ve found the lack of structure that’s emerged as a result of lockdown really bloody difficult (luckily things are returning to normal a bit now). I would try to really push your DH to communicate how important structure and routine are for everyone’s mental health at the moment but understand that’s easier said than done. Most of all, don’t be too hard on yourself!

Join the nacho parenting group on fb.
www.facebook.com/groups/NachoKids/?ref=share
The child is the responsibility of his parents.

@beautifulxdisasters

Sympathies OP, I massively struggled to find a sensible balance when I moved in with DP (I also have health problems).

How old is SS, and how often do you look after him while your DH is working?

@beautifulxdisasters Thanks. It’s so hard, and I have spoken to dh about it but while he wants to support me and does try, he also doesn’t want to appear not interested in ss. I do understand him feeling torn. Currently it’s about 4 nights and days a week but staggered as ss feels capable of. It’s too much for me and I’ve asked dh to scale back. He hasn’t so far (he struggles with conflict) I look after ss any week day he is here as dh has office in garden and I felt it was unfair for ss to be shut in there

@chubbyhotchoc

Join the nacho parenting group on fb. www.facebook.com/groups/NachoKids/?ref=share The child is the responsibility of his parents.

@chubbyhotchoc thanks so much this group looks awesome! I’ve tried to step back many times but feel so guilty whenever I do.

@Certainlyuncertain

No advice, OP, but lots of sympathy. Step parenting is hard at the best of times and these certainly aren’t the best of times. I’ve found the lack of structure that’s emerged as a result of lockdown really bloody difficult (luckily things are returning to normal a bit now). I would try to really push your DH to communicate how important structure and routine are for everyone’s mental health at the moment but understand that’s easier said than done. Most of all, don’t be too hard on yourself!

@certainlyuncertain thank you

@MarkRuffaloCrumble

Step back. Tell your H that if he’s got 50/50 that’s on him to facilitate, not you. That you’re happy to be an extra parental figure in the background but you can’t do the parenting for him and that he and his ex need to sort their own childcare issues because it’s making you ill.

If he doesn’t make some changes and start doing the majority of the parenting when ss is with you himself, move out.

@MarkRuffaloCrumble thank you

I'm with you on this one so sympathies to you. I struggle with the balance and my SS BM has mental health issues. I feel like I'm on the roller coaster with her at times. A few comments on here have mentioned to me that I am too involved and that my partner needs to step up. But he is a very involved dad. It's just lockdown that seems to have caused all the issues. I'm very low at the moment and feel like I want to leave. So no advice other than I feel you. Feel free to message me privately if you like 😊

@hulahoopqueen

I think it’s disrespectful of your DH (and to a lesser extent his Ex, though tbf it’s not her responsibility) to not be firmer about set contact times. It’s not OK to spring contact on you without warning if you’re struggling as it is. I understand it’s at times when SS feels comfortable with it, but is it not possible for there to be set times in which you “expect” to have him (say, every other full week) and he either decides he’s comfortable coming during that time or not? And if DH and SS decide they want to do something outside those times they could do an outdoor activity, eg a walk in the woods or in the park, something like that. I know that as a SP we sign up to some logistical difficulties here and there, but your DH needs to show some respect to you and try and get a more structured framework put in place for contact. How often does SS visit currently?

Thanks @hulahoopqueen we do need more structure. But DH is rubbish at conflict and his ex kicks off whenever she doesn’t get her own way re ss. So I end up helping manage that behind the scenes as well. Which I doesn’t help! Hey ho. I’m going to ask him to have a serious conversation with her though

It sounds like you are providing a lot of unpaid childcare for your SS while your DH is working! Not wanting to do this doesn't make you a bad person, not at all. Is it particularly bad at the moment because of school holidays?

It sounds like maybe DSS could sit in the office while his dad works if there is no alternative childcare. Could you try that even 1 day a week?

But really your DH needs a kick up the arse - he's making you ill because he's too passive to stand up to his ex. You need to make it really clear: "I cannot provide this much childcare for X. It is making me unwell. You will need to take some time off work to look after X, or to speak to his mum about him spending more time there while you are working. Which is it to be?"

To: KV148
Once again by asking your husband to have a serious conversation with the mother, you are trying to micro-manage his responsibility.
A more effective plan might be to tell him what you are and are not willing to do. He is an adult, let him figure out how he is going to manage his child care when you are not his fall back position.

If for some reason my ex is unavailable on his scheduled time, I do not consider myself to be doing him a favor to keep my own children. If I were then to leave them with my husband, he would then be.doing a favor for me and not a favor for my ex.

Your relationship is with your husband. It is not the mother that is imposing upon you. It is your husband who is creating the imposition upon you. The mom is not asking you to keep her kids; it is your husband who is assuming that you will be available to keep his kids. The mom would probably have no objection to his engaging a minder or a sitter when he agrees to have the kids.

Your issue is that your husband is saying "yes"to something that he has no intention of doing.

Your issue is that your husband is saying "yes"to something that he has no intention of doing.

This.

Your husband will not listen to you until you take action. While you want to be kind to your SS by looking after him when his dad is suppose to, you are not helping either of them.

From now on refuse to look after the boy and do whatever you need to safeguard your MH.

Just to clarify, was the step back in your career due to you feeling unwell or so you could do more childcare for your SS?

Do you think your DH would see his son as much of you weren't around? Would he have mage the effort for visitation?

It shouldn't be on you to facilitate a relationship between your DH and his own DS.

That's the underlying issue here really.

It’s too much for me and I’ve asked dh to scale back. He hasn’t so far (he struggles with conflict) I look after ss any week day he is here as dh has office in garden and I felt it was unfair for ss to be shut in there

Well there you are - he prioritizes his 'work' over his child....and he expects you to take on his parental responsibilities......and you keep doing it.

Stop.
You're NOT responsible for parenting his child.

How old is the child in question will depend on the Answers you receive 11 year old upwards is relatively easy to care for then a younger child and able to amuse themselves

@AllsortsofAwkward

How old is the child in question will depend on the Answers you receive 11 year old upwards is relatively easy to care for then a younger child and able to amuse themselves

He’s 9. But can’t entertain himself at all unless it involves a screen. But I have stepped back a bit following advice on this thread and this week hubby took time off to help look after SS in the week

@UgaBaluga82

Just to clarify, was the step back in your career due to you feeling unwell or so you could do more childcare for your SS?

Me being to Ill to work. Pain is neck, shoulders, arms and head, which makes my typing heavy job hard. However I’m some progress with work on that

Well done OP but you need to step back more as you still sound like the primary carer of your SS.
Just arrange to randomly go out if SS is dumped on his dad.

Just to echo what's already been said - if your DH wants to accommodate as hoc childcare, then it's really for him to do it, not you.
I've been a SM for a long time now. The only time I actually looked after my SC's during holiday time was literally a handful of times. I worked full time and it was their parents responsibility, not mine, although I did help in emergencies. I like my SC very much but never expected to be a primary carer for them.

I’ve looked after my SD about three times in her lifetime. She’s 18 now. Not including if my DH popped to the shops etc. It’s not your job! What are you doing?!? There are many SMs on here and you can learn from the mistakes they made, I never had a forum like this when I became a SM. Heed our warnings “ they are not your children”.

You are trying too hard. Step back, spend the time when the chikd visiting looking after yourself. Have a nice long bath, don't cook, order take away. Go to movies, meet friends, go for a walk. Let his father entertain him

If my ex is unavailable on his scheduled time my DC stays at home; end of. The issue here is that your DH isn't taking responsibility for his son, so you've assumed the position of primary carer by default. It's not fair on your step son or you. It's also not for you to manage any angst with his ex. If she can't see the importance of structure, then perhaps a formal agreements needs to be considered. That is something for your DH to consider. You can only put down boundaries on what you will and won't accept. It's for your DH to care for and parent your SS when he is in your care. Even if he is working at the same time. Single Mum who works full time and home-schooled alone during lock down. We had to suspend contact for health reasons.. it's not easy but hey that's being a parent.

Take a big step back and please don't feel guilty for it; this isn't your responsibility.