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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Evil Ex!!!

20 replies

pavk · 18/08/2020 15:03

Hi Ladies, desperately looking for some advice..I’ve been with my partner for 2 years we each have a son from our previous marriage who are both 7 years old. My son is aware and completely fine with my partner.

However my partners doesn’t have a great relationship with his ex, they use a communication book to communicate and do not text or call. They split up 5 years ago. However his ex has recently found out about me and has poisoned her sons mind. Initially his son was absolutely fine around me and hugged me and talked to me however now he keeps his distance and is not engaged and will tell his dad he doesn’t want to come and see me and my son. She has completely poisoned his mind which I don’t know with what and I have no idea how to deal with this?
On top me and my partner have purchased a house which we all were planning to move into however based on his sons attitude we are scared we may end up losing him and he will want to go and stay with his mum which is what his mum wants.

Help confused

OP posts:

AuntieStella · 18/08/2020 15:08

What is your DP already doing about this?

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 18/08/2020 15:08

What makes you think she has poisoned his mind? (genuine question)

Has anything happened with you/your son at all?

Could it be that the house purchase has scared him?

beautifulxdisasters · 18/08/2020 15:36

Does your DP currently have him 50:50, or more often?

Presumably there is something that makes you think it's the ex that's caused him to have a change of heart rather than the prospect of you moving in together? Does he know about the house?

Original poster

pavk · 18/08/2020 16:58

Hi, DP has him 50:50, his son doesn’t know that we will be moving in together, however his ex does so it can be a case she has told him.
When his ex found out about us, she Had Logged a report with the doctor that her son was affected by this 50:50 arrangement emotionally and was not eating, she then got Cafcass involved, however after there investigation they found he was a perfectly happy child, she would do anything to ensure her son doesn’t have a step mother or it could be a case that she is not happy my partner has moved on I have no idea..

OP posts:

Original poster

pavk · 18/08/2020 17:02

His son absolutely loves the house and can’t wait to move in, me and my partner have t told him yet that me and my son will move in as we want to do this slowly, we currently focused on building a relationship with him, days out etc.

His mother has already logged a case with Cafcass which they rejected, this was when soon as she found out about me, so that makes me think she has said something to him, especially that he was really happy when he use to meet us, now he just doesn’t want any interaction.

OP posts:

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 18/08/2020 17:07

I'm not saying the mother is definitely innocent, but it's also very likely that he has heard you talking, seen something, or maybe his mother did say something, thinking that you would have told him the truth and he is feeling lied to and pushed out.

SadSack39 · 18/08/2020 17:09

Does he get on with your son? Maybe that could be an issue you havent thought of.. i dunno, just is it really realistic he has been poisoned like that

Sunnydaysandsalad · 18/08/2020 17:12

When I was a sm we had chats with the dc about how different houses had different rules and it was OK to love both houses and the people in both of them.
His ds needs assurance that he is 'allowed' to want to spend time with each parent in each home and to feel safe and happy in both. My ex spent many years trying to turn our dc against me.
They are nc now.
With him..
Imo your dh should log with Cafcass an issue regarding parental alienation which is a crime now...

Vik81 · 18/08/2020 17:15

Be prepared for endless battles. My partner's ex has moments of being reasonable but then many periods of trying to dictate and control, with a pure spiteful and selfish motivation.

In order to combat this we have put in several measures. First and most important we never speak badly of her in front of the children as she does about us. The children have told us how distressed they are about it and I promised that we wouldn't do the same and try to ignore it. We kept all communication to texting the the odd phone call. That way we have a written log and it prevents emotional barrages. We drop them off at the gate and watch them in their mother's home. I found that this was the time she put down my partner and tried to force him to agree to things. Finally we wrote a legal letter together arranging contact, I'm really proud of this we worked together on it, had the feel of being legal without it being so and so far both parties have stuck to it.

Unfortunately blended families can be so challenging. But together with your partner make boundaries you agree on and stick to them to minimise stress. She's proved that she can't use a legal route to prevent you from seeing the child and as for the mind twisting you have to show through your actions and words that you are a fun, caring loving family. Kids will see it. Play the long game x best of luck x

Cabinfever10 · 19/08/2020 00:38

Playing devil's advocate here but this may have nothing to do with his mum and everything to do with you and your ds.

I say that not as a dig at you but I'm looking at this from a 7 year olds point of view.

Although you've been in a relationship for 2 years it sounds as if you and your ds have only started meeting your partners ds fairly recently and from what you've said he has only just found out that your his dad gf, add to that the new house he thought was for him and his dad isn't. He will now not only lose his 1 to 1 time with his dad but another boy will be taking his place and getting his 1 to 1 time with his dad whilst he's at his mum's house and when at you've home he has to share his dad with you and your ds.
The worst part of this will be that his dad has at best mislead him about the move but tbh if I was his ds I would feel lied to.

Surely you can see that the reaction of your partners ds is normal and to be expected. He needs time and reassurances that he won't be replaced that he will still have 1 to 1 time with his dad.
But most of all you need to step right back because in that boys mind you and your ds are pushing him out.

I know that you have done nothing wrong nor do I believe that you or your ds intend to replace or put out your partners ds, but im not a 7 year old whose world has been turned upside down.

Your partner needs to spend a lot of time talking to and reassuring his ds and start being honest with him instead of him having to hear things 2nd or 3rd hand or by overhearing a conversation between you and his dad

Cabinfever10 · 19/08/2020 00:42

oh and BTW never refer to his mum as evil or anything like that as it will only cause more problems for you in the long term

MeridianB · 19/08/2020 07:09

Could DH have a chat with him 1:1? Ideally out of the house - walk to the park and get ice cream. If they can have a regular thing they do together that would be great and help on reassurance.

If nothing has happened to trigger this then it’s possible he is reacting to his mother’s unhappiness and feels very loyal to her.

It sounds like she has labelled the changes as bad news and tried to rope in authorities to support her agenda. At 7, he’s still very young and if one of the most important people in your life tells you repeatedly that something is bad or makes them unhappy then you will naturally reject it.

So, forget the ex and focus on reassuring DSS, with his dad taking the lead and ensuring lots of 1:1 time.

Good luck!

lunar1 · 19/08/2020 08:39

I think his son is going to be crushed that you and your child are going to be moving in to the house.

It takes it from something new and exciting for just him and his dad, to other people living with his dad, in his home full time.

You are both framing things all wrong to be able to make it a positive for him.

How did his ex find out' about you, did his son already know?

dontdisturbmenow · 19/08/2020 08:41

You can't deduct from what you say that she's poisoned him against you.

He might just not like you and you DS for same reason that some kids don't like their teacher.

Buying a house and moving in together without telling him when there are issues will probably not help matters.

SandyY2K · 19/08/2020 21:04

I don't think it was right to withhold the fact they you and your DS are moving in the house.... that world feel like a betrayal for a kid.

Is not fair to spring it on him. This is a lie by omission.

SandyY2K · 19/08/2020 21:10

I also think using the word evil is quite strong.

Gingerkittykat · 19/08/2020 21:18

I'm amazed you kept the relationship secret for so long, did the child not talk about you to his mum?

Can they go to mediation or he go to court?

VEGAS2016 · 20/08/2020 15:43

Jesús wept of course there are mothers that are spiteful, parental alienation does exist

I feel for you OP. I too have been on the recieving end of this & it isnt nice. Reports to social services, accused of having a severe mental illness I could go on

My SD was very similar, initailly very warm & loving until the ex kicked off, then would come to my house & not even talk.

Sorry OP, im not much help, but I do know how you feel. Perservance is the key here & good communication, I hope things improve for you.

AllsortsofAwkward · 22/08/2020 15:59

Sounds fast to be moving together atlfter 2 years blending takes time and careful consideration. It might be mum's fault it could be the child not wanting to share his dad with another child close in age, he may feel replaced. 7 is a difficult age, dont lie about the fact you're moving in but maybe consider delaying it abit longer.

Witchymclovely · 22/08/2020 23:02

Problems already?!? 🤔 it’s not looking good. After what I went through, I’d advise cutting yours losses now. Soz

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