Step families

[Sinead21]

Hi am new here just wondering if anyone else is on the same boat as me and has any advice, I am 21 years old and my partner is 33 soon and I want to start trying for baby however he has two daughters with his ex and I am terrified that he isn't going to want to have a baby with me we have been together for a few years and his daughters are 4 and 8 and live with their mum full time and come to us every second weekend. I know people will think its too soon as am only 21 but he isn't getting any younger am just so scared that it will end up being too late for me 😔

I know you said you've been with your boyfriend for a few years but his daughter is only 4. Did you get together when she was really young? Do you live together? Why haven't you discussed this with him if you've been together for years?

Well men don't have the time constraints as women when it comes to having children so don't rush into it because you think it will be too late for this particular man. If the relationship lasts it will still be possible at a time you are actually ready to have a child. If it doesn't last, you are still very young and could be very early in your dating life, there is absolutely no need to rush to tie yourself down in this way.

I have to say- and please don't think this is coming from a place of judgement of you because I am a step mum myself- but it really doesn't speak well of him that at 30 with two young daughter's, he got together with an 18 year old. If I were you I would be very wary of him. If he doesn't want kids it might be a blessing in disguise, he doesn't sound great and there is a much better life out there than being a step mum to two young children, a lot of hardship and sacrifice involved in that. Not to mention if you are feeling this way already, you could be choosing years of being fearful about your place.

I am 21 and my fiance is older than your DP. The key thing you need to do is sit down with your DP and discuss exactly what your life goals are. That way, you know if the relationship can progress for you.

My fiance and I sat down before we started dating and we each made it clear what we wanted. We plan to start a family, but not for at least 5 years. He knows he will be an old dad, but it doesn't bother him because it is our family, no one elses xx

If you’ve been together for three years why hasn’t this conversation ever come up?

You need to talk to him. If you’re in the right place to even think of creating a new life you need to be able to have conversations about stuff like this. Actually, if you’re in a serious relationship regardless of wanting babies you obviously need to be able to talk about anything and everything.

Is there a reason you’re asking us and not him?

Why haven't you had a conversation with him about having children?

Men's fertility doesn't decline in the same way as women's and anyway he's only 33!

Does he want more children?
You need to ask him directly.

Aside from that there are plenty of other things to consider as well.

Finances
He has responsibility for 2 kids already

His Ex... Does they get on...does it impact on your relationship?

My daughter is a year younger than you...I'd be absolutely gutted if she ended up with a a guy 12 years older with 2 kids ...it's unnecessary baggage, that a 21 year old doesn't need.

To be honest Op, me & Dp had the children talk when we were dating & haven't had that talk since. He has 2 young children, I have a teenager. Life gets busy & maybe you've just realised you & your DP haven't had a more serious chat about children. Talk to him. You don't know until you talk. Good luck too.

It is awfully young to burden yourself with a man who is 12 years older with ex wife and 2 children, especially if you are not having a casual fling but want to start a family with the man. This situation will give you a lot of grief in the future.
But by all means talk to him. If you can't have the conversation about time lines, goals and plans for children then this is not good relationship

Why the rush? At 21 you should be enjoying some freedom, establishing your career and looking to save as much as possible to get on the property ladder etc.

You can’t have been dating that long and the fact he only sees his small children twice a month would put me off.

Has this not come up before in conversation with your partner?

My husband has two children and one of the first things I checked with him was that he wanted more children as I wouldn't have continued to date him if not.

There are 3 things that I would consider before I would think about having a child with this man:

1. Is he an active and involved parent with the 2 children that he has now? Does he spend time with and care for his children without needing to be prompted?
2. Can he provide adequately for 3 or more children without having to compromise on the quality of life that he provides for any of them?

3 Has he expressed a desire or wish to have another child without prompting from you? Does he envision himself as the happy parent of 3 children?

If you cannot say "yes" without any qualifiers to all of these questions, then you might want to reconsider the wisdom of having a child with this particular man.

God I would be devasted if you were my dd and got with a man 12 years older who had a 1 year old baby and 5 year old at the age of 17/18. You haven't even lived yet op. Go out and see the world dont get tended down with extra responsibilities at a young age.

🙄

You need to be able to talk about these things if it's a serious relationship. Also think long and hard about the reality of having a baby with someone who already has another family. So many women seem to sleepwalk into this set up and realise too late that the reality isn't great.