Hi all
Strap in - this is going to be a long post but I will keep it as succinct as possible. And forgive me if I have not yet got all the abbreviations down pat.
My partner has a 14 yr old daughter, who lives with her mother but currently comes to us every weekend. During the lockdown this was more casual that it might have been but now she is back to school and hopefully we will be able to create a more even routine. My partner and I are both keen to suggest that we go to a childcare arrangement that involves us having the DD every other weekend and two or three nights a week. We feel this is fair to all parties involved.
The first issue is that the ex does not speak to my partner. She will only communicate through short texts or via her daughter. I have not met her (which is telling in itself) but by all accounts she has not behaved in a reasonable or rational way throughout the previous relationship or the break up. She has firmly framed it as him leaving her without cause (when in fact he tried for years to talk to her and work at the relationship) and has spread vicious lies about him. This I have heard from several people beside my partner who has, to his credit, has never spoken ill of his ex. He has always coached it diplomatically.
The break up was three years ago but it feels like she is carrying a lot of unwarranted hate and animosity that is having a negative effect on everyone involved.
This is not the mature behaviour I would expect from a 40 yr-old woman. I understand that break ups always hurt but she has used her DD as a go-between on several occasions and this is not fair to the DD. I have asked several times if there is a way that mediation can occur but the ex just shuts my partner down each time and refuses to talk to him. It is an untenable situation.
The second issues is that the ex's sister, who also has a 14 yr old daughter, has terminal cancer. Not only that, her husband was abusive towards her and she left him six months ago and is now living in a shelter. Her daughter was not subject to abuse but she was privy to it. It is a terribly sad situation and the ex has agreed to take her niece into her home during the week. She will be at the same school as my stepdaughter.
The ex and her sister seem to think that it is ok for the niece to now be part of the childcare equation with us. It is a very delicate situation and needs to be handled with compassion, but neither woman has approached this with us. Last weekend the niece just turned up with my stepdaughter and my partner was told that he needed to drop the niece off in town later that afternoon. No please, no thank you, nothing.
Quite apart from the fact that this is rude and inconsiderate, I worry about the wellbeing of both girls. I am glad that my partner and I can be there for them in some way but if there is to be a long term arrangement then all parties need to agree to it and should meet. I don't feel particularly happy that we are expected to take on parental responsibility for a child who is not even related to us but I also think that we would provide a much-needed stable environment. Still, we need to think about the financial implications of this.
I try not to lose my patience with my partner, but he needs to stand up to his ex. I know that he feels guilty for 'leaving' her and his daughter and that must have some impact on the way that he handles the relationship but it feels like she is walking all over him.
How can I approach this with him more firmly? Does anyone have experience of similar situations? Is there a mediation solution? Should we talk to someone at the school that both girls go to?
To top it all I found out a few months ago that my mother has terminal cancer and that in itself is hard enough to come to terms with. I am trying my best but some days I just find it all completely overwhelming.
Any advice would be very welcome.