Partner's Ex - Her Toxic Behaviour & How to Deal With It

[CantFindAGoodUserName]

Hi all

Strap in - this is going to be a long post but I will keep it as succinct as possible. And forgive me if I have not yet got all the abbreviations down pat.

My partner has a 14 yr old daughter, who lives with her mother but currently comes to us every weekend. During the lockdown this was more casual that it might have been but now she is back to school and hopefully we will be able to create a more even routine. My partner and I are both keen to suggest that we go to a childcare arrangement that involves us having the DD every other weekend and two or three nights a week. We feel this is fair to all parties involved.

The first issue is that the ex does not speak to my partner. She will only communicate through short texts or via her daughter. I have not met her (which is telling in itself) but by all accounts she has not behaved in a reasonable or rational way throughout the previous relationship or the break up. She has firmly framed it as him leaving her without cause (when in fact he tried for years to talk to her and work at the relationship) and has spread vicious lies about him. This I have heard from several people beside my partner who has, to his credit, has never spoken ill of his ex. He has always coached it diplomatically.

The break up was three years ago but it feels like she is carrying a lot of unwarranted hate and animosity that is having a negative effect on everyone involved.

This is not the mature behaviour I would expect from a 40 yr-old woman. I understand that break ups always hurt but she has used her DD as a go-between on several occasions and this is not fair to the DD. I have asked several times if there is a way that mediation can occur but the ex just shuts my partner down each time and refuses to talk to him. It is an untenable situation.

The second issues is that the ex's sister, who also has a 14 yr old daughter, has terminal cancer. Not only that, her husband was abusive towards her and she left him six months ago and is now living in a shelter. Her daughter was not subject to abuse but she was privy to it. It is a terribly sad situation and the ex has agreed to take her niece into her home during the week. She will be at the same school as my stepdaughter.

The ex and her sister seem to think that it is ok for the niece to now be part of the childcare equation with us. It is a very delicate situation and needs to be handled with compassion, but neither woman has approached this with us. Last weekend the niece just turned up with my stepdaughter and my partner was told that he needed to drop the niece off in town later that afternoon. No please, no thank you, nothing.

Quite apart from the fact that this is rude and inconsiderate, I worry about the wellbeing of both girls. I am glad that my partner and I can be there for them in some way but if there is to be a long term arrangement then all parties need to agree to it and should meet. I don't feel particularly happy that we are expected to take on parental responsibility for a child who is not even related to us but I also think that we would provide a much-needed stable environment. Still, we need to think about the financial implications of this.

I try not to lose my patience with my partner, but he needs to stand up to his ex. I know that he feels guilty for 'leaving' her and his daughter and that must have some impact on the way that he handles the relationship but it feels like she is walking all over him.

How can I approach this with him more firmly? Does anyone have experience of similar situations? Is there a mediation solution? Should we talk to someone at the school that both girls go to?

To top it all I found out a few months ago that my mother has terminal cancer and that in itself is hard enough to come to terms with. I am trying my best but some days I just find it all completely overwhelming.

Any advice would be very welcome.

What does your 14 year old SD want?

What do the children want?

The DD is 14, she is old enough to make her own arrangements now which would be listened to it court, leave her to do so

I don't know what the children want - I don't think their mothers have asked them. You are right, SD is 14 so she can make her own decisions. I think my partner should sit down and ask her what she wants first?

At age 14, the daughter is old enough to express her feelings about how and where her time is spent. Has your partner discussed this with her?

Perhaps your partner should address this with his daughter, and then he or his lawyer can send the proposed new arrangement to his ex via the post.

If your partner is not upset by the manner in which his ex treats him, it is not your place to try and get him to co-op your anger. He is an adult , he should be capable of handling his responses as he chooses to do so. Your anger may or may not be his anger.

The mother may not view a 22/8 day split as unfaIr. At age 14 , the girl should not be particularly burdensome . She is old enough to be left in the home if you have day or evening plans, and at 14 she is approaching an age and stage where she may prefer to be closer to her friends and desirous of participating in school activities.

Nature and normal teen development may solve your problem without requiring much intervention by anyone.

When passing judgement on a partner's prior relationship, it is always prudent to remember that what his friends and family tell you, that her friends and family likely tell a very different version of the same events. The truth probably is somewhere in the middle.

If the ex knows that she cannot be civil in speaking with him, she may be wise in choosing not to do so. Maybe, they can use one of the many available forms of electronic messaging.

You cannot manage your partner's method of responding to his ex. His method of response is dictated by his character and his personality.

What you do have some input into is what happens in your
home. After he speaks with his daughter and elicits her thoughts and feelings , you can help him compose a correspondence to send either to the mother of to his lawyer.

It is difficult sometimes to accept the fact that your partner is entitled to a response or a behavior with which you may not agree. It is often difficult to accept that fact when it relates to a time and situation to which you were not privy and in which you had no first hand involvement.

Fix it manage that over which you have some control and let your partner manage his relationship with his ex in the manner that is suitable to him. You need not have any relationship with the ex.

@Tiredoftattler has said everything perfectly.

Yes, I agree - sounds advice indeed from @Tiredoftattler

It really is all about you and your partner and not at all about your DSD.

Tired of tattler - wrote a very good post, I would follow it up.

I can't add any more. But two point I've never laid eyes on the children's father girlfriend. (She was ow he left me for 3 years ago). I had no wish to meet her at the start and who and how he parents in his time is up to him.

Also I'm in the situation of communication via text only. As ex has a history of manipulation. So it is best that I don't give him any room to take advantage of me.

I'm sure you know your husband best. But every situation at 2 sides to the story.

How long have you been together?

Ok I agree with @Tiredoftattler‘s post regarding the situation with your DSD but no one has yet addressed the issue with your DSD’s cousin who is of no relation to you.

How is the ex including her niece in your childcare arrangements? ( other than the example you have given)

Is she assuming that whenever DSD comes to stay or visit then so does her niece?
Or does DSD just have her cousin to come along sometimes because they’re friends? So in a similar way to having a friend from school come over?

Am I the only one who finds it bizarre that the EXW expects her niece to be looked after by people who have no family ties? Especially as it has not been discussed?

You shouldn’t do anything about the neice OP. This is for your partner to sort out, and if he doesn’t want to then it’s fine.

At 14 your partner’s DD may not want to ruin her weekend / weekly routine to keep ‘things fair’ for your DP and if you push then she may cut you guys off altogether - so talk to her and find out what she wants in terms of access and keep things flexible for her.

I can't believe the replies here. The situation with the niece turning up at your house is just bizarre. How can his ex possibly think that is a responsibility she can impose on you?

In terms of her saying he left out of the blue etc try to keep these thoughts or speculations out of your head entirely. The relationship ended. That's all that's relevant to you. Just focus on what's happening now which appears to be a complete absence of communication regarding childcare arrangements.

If she won't talk on the phone then he will have to persist with her preferred mode of communication; WhatsApp or whatever messaging service they've been using. He needs to ask her what she's playing at sending a second child to yours for the weekend.

As for the posters saying none of this concerns you, how ridiculous. It's your home too I assume.

I also meant to say I'm really sorry about your mum.

Whilst I acknowledge that Tiredoftattler's post is well written I think it misses some of the complexities around step parenting dynamics.

Firstly regarding access every weekend - yes at 14 DSD is old enough to be left at home if you have other plans. But this ignores the fact that it's highly likely your DP will feel uncomfortable or guilty about doing this - it also means you get no weekends free to just potter doing your own thing without worrying about excluding DSD. The usual riposte to this is "you don't get that time in "together" families"... but this isn't a together family so it's irrelevant.

OP I don't think your proposed access pattern is unreasonable but be prepared for the ex to kick off and try and twist it that you don't want to spend time with DSD. Your counter is that DSD should get to spend quality time with both her parents. And no, midweek contact is not the same quality time when everyone's tired from school or work etc. There is a reason why the EOW pattern is usually favoured over other arrangements.

"He is an adult , he should be capable of handling his responses as he chooses to do so. Your anger may or may not be his anger." On the face of it this seems reasonable, but sometimes as a person outside a relationship you can see when certain behaviours are unhealthy, inappropriate or abusive. I certainly had no inkling my exH was abusive towards me - all I knew was that I was unhappy but I didn't connect the dots and internalised it instead. It was only when a counsellor opened my eyes that I had the strength to stand up to him. I am NOT implying that the Ex in OP's case is abusive but when you have been part of a particular dynamic for years you might not realise you're that slowly boiled frog so acclimatised to being treated badly that you don't even recognise it's happening. If OP can see her DP being walked all over then she has every right to point it out.

"Fix it manage that over which you have some control and let your partner manage his relationship with his ex in the manner that is suitable to him. You need not have any relationship with the ex." When that management (or lack thereof) affects OP's life then there is nothing wrong with her expressing her feelings on how that has impacted her personally and them as a couple. You end up interacting with the ex by proxy when moods or plans are affected more often than occasional one-offs.

OP I do however agree with the sentiment that the only response you can control is your own. I don't believe this means you're not entitled to make your feelings known to your DP regarding his handling of the situation(s). But once you've done that you need to decide whether his response is acceptable to you, and separate from him if it's not. If you can't get roughly on the same page then resentment and frustration will destroy your relationship anyway. If his ex is refusing mediation I would suggest your DP goes for counselling himself instead. It should open his eyes to put some appropriate boundaries in place with his ex (or conversely open his eyes that your expectations of him and his ex are in fact skewed enabling you to decide from there whether this is the right type of relationship for you).

Thank you - yes, you are right that the past relationship has nothing to do with me and I can only focus on ours (which is very good and stable)

I have suggested that my DP talks to his daughter about how she is feeling and what she would like in terms of future plans. Agree that she will want to spend more time with friends at weekends so a degree of flexibility is always going to be needed.

The niece conundrum has completely thrown me - I think it very bizarre that neither the ex nor her sister has broached it with us at all yet, especially given how vulnerable the young girl must feel.

I’m sorry about your mum.

Just to say. I’ve never met my ex’s new woman now wife. I don’t want to. I’m not interested in her or him and they are not people I want to be around.

She has pushed and pushed via DC for me to meet her and I’ve had to firmly tell them no. She doesn’t have my mobile number. She doesn’t need it.

There’s no need for you and her to meet

Cantfindagoodusername
I am with the poster above. Every weekend is not 'fair' .. week day time is NOT the same. Either for you and DH , your DSD OR the ex.

So ex gets every weekend to herself ?
There will be those who day that if they were together he would have every weekend with his child .. but that is NOT the case. There is no point in pretending a RP/NRP situation is what it isn't !

Find out what DSD wants. Does she want her cousin with her EVERY weekend? If so - (and in many ways it's much easier to look after two 14 yr olds who enjoy each other's company because they amuse themselves.. )

Does she live nearby ? If yes - then you should just go with it .. if not does she not want to be near friends at least once a fortnight?

Ultimately you need to be led by her.. but you DO need to speak to cousins mother . To sort her visitation.

In terms of the niece issue if your DP and his ex can communicate through text then he needs to say to her that while he’s very sympathetic to what the niece is going through he isn’t able to take responsibility for her when he sees his daughter and he’ll bring her back home if she arrives with his daughter (I hope that doesn’t have to happen as obviously not nice for niece) but it’s bizarre and unfair for the niece to be sent every time

I wouldn’t be happy nor do I think I would look after the niece. To just send her is entitled and inappropriate, since when we’re you unpaid childcare for some randoms child? Weird.

From the other perspective, the niece is comfortable and settled with the DSD and doesn’t want to be separated from her for a few days. DSD may be happy with the friendship and being supportive. It doesn’t have to be about entitlement on the part of the parents here, rather just a set up that works for them and they have not thought through the bigger picture. There is other shit going on there for them at the moment, perhaps? If the DSD is happy for the niece to tag along, does it matter? Presumably you would be happy for to bring a friend? It is easy to get bogged down in rights and wrongs (and I agree it should have been discussed and agreed) when really, if the girls are happy, what’s the issue?

What's the issue? The issue is the ex has put them in charge of another adolescent without even checking if it's ok.

That is crazy.

I think time will sort it out.
The niece may well go along with(being told to) joining her cousin every weekend, for now. At some point she almost certainly will kick back at being fobbed off to a non relative.
If the aunt becomes her guardian, I am guessing the niece would want to spend her weekends with her. I could even see the niece asking for her cousin to spend a weekend with the niece for company.

@Enoughnowstop

From the other perspective, the niece is comfortable and settled with the DSD and doesn’t want to be separated from her for a few days. DSD may be happy with the friendship and being supportive. It doesn’t have to be about entitlement on the part of the parents here, rather just a set up that works for them and they have not thought through the bigger picture. There is other shit going on there for them at the moment, perhaps? If the DSD is happy for the niece to tag along, does it matter? Presumably you would be happy for to bring a friend? It is easy to get bogged down in rights and wrongs (and I agree it should have been discussed and agreed) when really, if the girls are happy, what’s the issue?

Eh...?! You still ask for goodness sake. You don't just send another child to your ex along with your own for contact without speaking to them.

And no, I'm sorry I would not just be taking care of another child EOW with no consideration or request to me. Is OP and her partner supposed to pay to feed the niece and anything else they may want to do on a weekend with the DD?

The niece is not the responsibility of OP and her partner. I may allow this every now and again if I was asked politely first, like I would if a child wanted a friend over to sleep. But just turning up? No. It's absolutely insane that you think that's reasonable behaviour.