New baby and anxiety! How do I chill out?!

[unclemontyscrumpets]

Hi all.
I have two SCs (8 and 5) and a new baby (3 months). My relationships with the SCs are really good, and I love them dearly. I am, however, struggling a bit with postnatal anxiety- and I’m finding it hard to relax about the baby sleeping, and in particular about us being out of the house for nap times and noise when we’re in the house... This means I spend a lot of time in the house on my own with the baby, as their DF takes them out as much as he can- to both keep them entertained and to make sure I’m not freaking out about any noise they’re making. God I sound nuts...

I assume that if the SC were my DC I’d be more relaxed, as if have been through having babies before and would know that that kind of anxiety is a waste of time and energy, but as this is my first time I’m finding it tricky. I know the SCs sense this, and they miss spending time with me. I spend time with them without the baby as much as I can, but as I’m BFing (and apparently a bit mad!) this is pretty limited at the moment.

I guess what I’m asking is does anyone have any advice as to how I can chill out a bit, and how I can protect my relationship with the SC?

Thanks!

Worry less about noise and naps. Babies often sleep well when out and about. Use a sling maybe and it's easier to breastfeed discretely when you are out. Naps don't have to be at home in the cot.
If you insist on silence during naps you may find the baby will end up depending on that, just keep normal noise going and your baby will get used to it. Not screaming and shouting perhaps, but normal household noise.

You will ease out of it as you become more secure as a parent yourself. I spend a vast amount of time when ds1 was born checking he was still breathing when he was asleep.

Looking back now I was being neurotic, but everything was so new.

Smith sleeping babies l, it's best to have background noise when they nap so that a sudden loud noise isn't as likely to wake them. At they end of the day, what's the worst hat will happen if a nap is missed or disturbed? It will take time, but you will be fine, and you are spending time with your DSC, it's just a little different than before.

Spent, not spend! They are 11&9 now and I don't stare at them in their sleep now 🤣

Who would look after the baby if they were to be woken from a nap?

I was much like you, I desperately wanted to keep everything quiet. I was aware of all the advice saying to keep a level of background noise so that the baby got used to it but she was a naturally light sleeper and at the time I had recently given birth and was exhausted with all the night wakes. It's easy to say you should just buckle up and accept them being woken until they get used to it, but at the time I was doing what I needed to get by by keeping things quiet. Do you think it would ease your anxiety and allow you to relax a bit of your DH agreed to tend to the baby if the noise wakes them?

Thanks everyone 💐
Baby sleeps with white noise and as far as I’ve seen isn’t particularly a light sleeper, but then I haven’t really put it to the test!

I will try to relax- and it’s a good suggestion that to agree that DH will take over looking after baby if she is disturbed. I do tend to catastrophise at the moment, thinking that a disturbed nap will mean she’ll never sleep again- and I need to work on that 🙄

Thanks again.

Definitely white noise. If it helps, I found 5 / 6 months a real turning point with sleep. Baby responded well to sleep training, we got into a good routine and I'm far more chilled about it all. Definitely was like you at 3 months. Give yourself a break. Nothing is forever and you are presumably sleep deprived so being a bit nuts is to be expected :)

Do they live with you, OP? If so, you need a chat with DH about some calmer time for you during summer hols.

If not, he needs to take them out and run the ragged at least once a day when they visit 😁

@EnidMatilda I’m not really sleep deprived, she sleeps really well! At least some of the reason for that must be me being so anal about it, I’d hope! Thank you- I tell myself that once she starts connecting cycles for her ‘big nap’ then I can relax- I hope that’s true!

@MeridianB they don’t live with us- and DH definitely does his bit and takes them out as much as he can, but I don’t want us to be like ships in the night, him and the DC, me and the baby.

I’m going to try and take the baby out a bit more (lockdown is really unfortunate for us new parents prone to anxiety 🙄) and take a few more risks. Wish me luck!

Good luck. It does get easier once you feel more confident. But I do remember that feeling of being very keen that no-ones wakes the baby (that has just taken me 45 minutes to settle...)

@Beamur I know, right? Surely it’s not worth the risk!
Iiiissss what my former non-chilled self would have said 😎

Not all babies are the same. Some are born chilled, others are more anxious and or alert.

My babies were not good sleepers at all and anything woke them up and wouldn't get back to sleep so I too was very careful about noise and routine. I couldn't believe it when I'd meet babies sleeping through anything!

I'm not an anxious mum at all, it was just a case of responding to their needs. Don't worry that there is anything wrong with you, there isn't!

You do seem like you're trying very hard to paint yourself as crazy for feeling the way you do, when in reality they are the very normal feelings of a first time mum. They all need to respect that as much as you respect them, you don't have to be so self deprecating.

For the record, I still ask for quiet time for the hour my DD naps during the day when my step son is here. It may not always work (he forgets constantly) but I don't think there's anything wrong with asking them to respect baby's nap and not run around and shout for a bit. We tend to use that time to watch a film/do some school work. I think you're right about it being best DH doesn't take them out every single time. They need to learn to function as part of the family or it will cause problems later.

Congrats on your new baby :)
I was on hols with friends last month that had a new baby (3 months) and had also dad’s two older kids with them.
Mum was stressy as hell which everyone gave her licence for. She said she felt extremely protective of the baby and thought it maybe hormone-fuelled.
I felt she could have been more accommodating to the kids who just wanted to spend some time with their new little sister eg a supervised nurse of the baby for a couple of minutes every day would have been probably delighted them. Or being given a job at bath or nappy change time. Maybe ask someone independent of you and your DP who’s been around the house if you are getting the balance right.

Thank you everyone 🙏
@Notcrackersyet that’s exactly what I’m afraid of- but I hope the fact that I’m aware of it means I’m a step ahead of it.

@aSofaNearYou you’re absolutely right, we have to work as a family.