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Step-parenting

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Original poster

I am up and down about his ex.

15 replies

malificent7 · 14/08/2020 20:13

My fiance is wonderful and he gets on very well with his ex ( who she cheated on.)
In many ways this is great as she is nice to me and he gets good access to his dd.
In other ways i find this hard as when i first met him , she was upset even though she was settled with her current man. I felt she didn't want to let go...she wanted 2 men to dote on her.
I guess i am just confused as i have conflicting feelings about them. Great that they get on so well...sad as i feel i am the second wife. Gah...i know i am being unreasonable.

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 14/08/2020 20:58

Its best that they get on to a degree as they share a child.

sad as i feel i am the second wife

If he was married to her and he marries you, you will be his second wife.

Do you feel they now get on too well? Do you think she wants him back?

How long have you been together? Hopefully long enough to feel secure in the relationship.

AnneLovesGilbert · 14/08/2020 21:02

What did she do to show her upset? Did it affect you? What did he do about it?

You will be the second wife. Why is that bad?

I’m my DH second wife, he’s my second husband. He’s waaaay better than my first husband and he’ll be my last.

Original poster
malificent7 · 14/08/2020 21:09

I guess more like 2nd choice. I know i am not.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 14/08/2020 21:10

Do you think he’d have wanted her back if she hadn’t ended up with the OM?

spacepoppers · 14/08/2020 21:11

You are BU a little. The end of a marriage is never black and white is it, particularly when there are children involved. What's the alternative? She's vile to you, he hates her and they argue between themselves and make the children lives and yours a living nightmare? The bit about having two men doting on her is pure projection, and probably untrue. It's not unreasonable for her to feel sad about an ex partner moving on, particularly if it was down to her own stupid mistakes. That doesn't mean she wants him back. Be grateful that he is mature and reasonable for the sake of the children, from reading MN recently that's an increasingly rare commodity.

Sally872 · 14/08/2020 21:13

The most amicable couples I know are the ones who are both truly over each other.

Notcrackersyet · 14/08/2020 21:43

Your feel like ‘second choice’
Do you mean you think he’d rather be with his ex than you?

Tiredoftattler · 14/08/2020 22:01

You will be the second woman that he married. If he has more than one child, someone will be his second child. If he purchased more than 1 car, the next was the second car that he purchased. If you
have ever loved or made love to another man, your partner will fall wherever he falls in that sequence.

Second is just where you fall in the queue. It has nothing to do with his feelings for or about you. This will only be an issue if you choose to make it an issue.

Your insecurities in this regard can become a major road block in your relationship.

Keepyourconversationsboring · 14/08/2020 22:20

First the worst, second the best Wink

SandyY2K · 14/08/2020 23:05

Do you think he still has feelings for her? If they why you feel like second choice .

Was it a rebound relationship with you?

MissSmiley · 14/08/2020 23:10

My husband was married to his first wife for 12 years, no children and I never met her but I always felt second best until we had been married longer than they had, we're divorcing now after 20 odd years and we get on very well for the sake of our children, I love him and have a lot of respect for him but our romantic relationship is over, we grew apart, enjoy your time with your fiancé and don't punish him for the good relationship he has with his first wife he's with you now through his own choice

Newtlizzy · 15/08/2020 22:35

I don’t see why being the second wife would make anyone feel second best. I will be my dps second wife and him my second husband. I didn’t get to be his first anything but I get to be his last everything. To me that’s more special.
My dps exw also has an issue with me and tries to turn it on me, she made things hard for us and still tries to cause arguments. She doesn’t like me and doubt ever will, I was never the ow but I feel she sees me that way. I understand this though as she watched the man she loved and had a family with fall in love with someone else. Even though she was the one who left but I get the impression she wasn’t totally sure, then I came along and that was that. It would be much easier for her without me in my dps life but she no longer gets a choice.
To me it’s all about boundaries, My dp puts me first always, he listens to me and my feelings, he doesn’t hide anything and we discuss everything before he agrees things with his exw about the children (wasn’t always the case early on but i made it clear that he’s either with me or he spends his life pandering to her demands without me).
My dp are a team and if I’m totally honest I don’t care what she thinks of me, it’s just upsetting for the children to feel the envy or resentment any she has towards me

FindingNeverland1 · 15/08/2020 22:42

It seems like if they have a good relationship on the whole then that's best for the child involved and everyone else.
Yes you will be second wife. Step mother.
That's hard for the ex, not only for you, but she'll get used to it and make peace with it. Hopefully sooner rather than later!

I don't think I could be a step mother. If you are going to to down this route you will need to accept it's unlikely to be completely smooth sailing 😬, that's not to say it won't be worth it.

Iyiyi · 26/08/2020 18:55

I agree the most amicable couples are ones where the relationship is truly over and there are no lingering issues. In terms of being second - having been divorced, after going into marriage first time for all the wrong reasons, I would have to be really certain of my relationship and partner to marry again. So a second marriage to me isn’t devalued, it is a really positive affirmation. .

safeordangerous · 27/08/2020 17:51

OP I can understand why you feel like this. My ex wife moved on very quickly but was like this when she found out I started dating someone.
She does also hold the Trump card with access to his child (yes there are ways round it but it's far easier being amicable).
He sounds like a good man. Trust him and always keep a bit of distance from her.

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