Coping with it all

[ElenorRigby]

A little over 6 weeks ago I was nearly 42 weeks pregnant when I started bleeding and was rushed down to the maternity hospital. I had hoped to go into labour during the week so that parental time with my partners daughter would not be interrupted- I just knew his ex would be awkward about it if he was unable to have her due to my going into labour, despite her saying it would be ok in an emergency.
Alas he was due to pick his daughter that evening from nursery, so as I lay in the delivery suite as a midwife was putting a canula into the back of my hand, he phoned the ex and explained the situation, asking her to pick madam up. I could hear him talking to her...was I thinking of the impending birth- no. I was worrying about what stink she was kicking up, his voice was stressed as he's trying to explain again "sorry I cant pick her up, it is an emergency, we are in the delivery suite now, Elenor's been rushed in" More moaning from her during which point she says "I feel like your just dumping her on me" Ironic seeing as she has done all the dumping in the past and DP has never once before that date "dumped" madam on her or indeed on anyone else.
Eventually she concedes and agrees to pick DP's DD up, the conversation had left DP visibly stressed. His ex though insisted that time was made up ASAP.

Fast forward 6 weeks and both me and DP are well knackered after facing the onslaught of nappys, feeds and sleep deprivation that is a newborn. During that time I had been ill but I fought hard and got back to a semblence of health as soon as I could, after a day or so.

This week DP gets a phone call, his poor ex is ill with a bit of a stomach bug and could he pick madam up from school. Next day she's apparently ill again, and the next. The latest as of today is she might still be infectious so could DP have madam until next monday. DP agreed.

People here might say great more parental time for DP, but to me its just the latest in a myriad of instances where she has been the "dumper" . Not forgetting of course that she instigated court procedings to gain sole residency of DP's DD and cut DP's parental time from 6 out of 14 nights to just 3. She also recently made an attempt to get over 3 times the CSA recommended amount for child maintainence for DP's DD and is currently up to something- weird things are happening with DP's divorce petition.

No doubt she will be out socialising this weekend, all miraculously fine and dandy recovered.

Also no doubt if DP happened to get ill she would probably want me to look after DP's DD, if that wasnt possible, she would kick up a stink, maybe refuse to look after her, no doubt threaten and definitely insist any parental time was made up ASAP.

Now what is the point of this post...
The point is this is doing my head in, all the time I bite my lip, disappear into the background, bend over backwards and just take on the chin all the dicking around she does with our lives. It just seems neverending. Its a reoccuring theme that my wishes and needs come last always. My God Im not a bolshy and selfish person but this stuff would try the patience of a saint.

Latest DP will not be able to come with me to babys first vaccinations today as we had planned because hes had to leave work at 3ish all week and so work really wouldnt be allow him time to go due to the amount of unscheduled disruption to his work already this week.

So a question for other partners, how do you cope with all this. Im finding it pretty tough going at the moment.

It sounds like the ex is a little jealous of his new life? Have you tried talking to her and asking her to be a bit more reasonable?

The person I feel sorry for most in all this is the DD - doesn't sound like she knows if she is coming or going and her vile mother is using her as a pawn in her games!

It is a difficult situation to be in but his ex obviously can't let go! Or is it a case of she doesn't want him but doesn't want anyone else to have him?

Congratualtions on new baby

The whole situation sounds quite nasty. His ex does seem out for revenge (the whole csa bit) Was it his choice to leave?

I'm not a step parent but DP is. I also experience of being a step schild. All I can say is you come across as quite resentful towards your DP's DD, calling her madam. She will pick up on this when she's older. Whatever the situation between the adults, I assume you knew he had a DD when you started this relationship, it is not fair on her to get caught up in your grievances.

'madam' as you call her (dosent come accross very nice) is your dps daughter and it sounds to me that even though her mum may cause some inconvenience he is only doing what is in his remit as his dds father. What if you have another child in a few years would you not expect him to pick up your first child from nursery/school etc and therefore may miss appointments? I am a stepmother to a 13 year old as well as dp and I have a 3 year old. Dss' mum is a pain in the bum sometimes and inconveniences us but its not about her its about dss and his relationship with dp so her attitude is tolerated. Its something that you must come to terms with afterall the two children are siblings and need to be able to build their relationship without the relationship troubles of the adults in their lifes in the way.

madam is a term of affection DP has used for his DD since she was baby ie his pet name for her

ok sorry just didnt come across in writing well

I have no resentment to DP's DD, I love her to bits and we have a wonderful relationship.

When I say dicking around in "Our" lives I absolutely mean with DP's DD to. The poor lo is getting an idea that mum doesnt go to parties with her,doesnt go to the park, only likes to go to "boring cafes" and the like

In our case dp and me have decided there is nothing we can do about dss' mums parenting style. Though I have to admit over the past 7 years there have been times I want to pull my hair out with frustration with dss' mum we continue to parent the best we know how. My sympathies are with you and hope that it will settle down over time for you.

There is nothing you can do about your DP's ex's parenting style when your DDS is with her.

However, you must put in place a firm, written, legal agreement on contact dates and times with a great deal of precision, and on the amount of any maintenance payments.

Don't stand back and say nothing and don't in any circumstances talk directly to your DP's ex. However, you must talk at great length to your DP about how the two of you would like your joint life to be organised and how much you both wish to include your DDS in your life and that of her younger half-sibling.

sorry you're having this trouble. we stood up to the xW from the start. We found the more we took what she dished the more she took advantage. Then she'd have a blowup every 3mths like clockwork threatening us, we refused to give in to her, now she's fine, don't hear from her at all, and she sticks to the private arrangement we had her sign for contact and maintenance.

Anna...
Yes I do take too much on the chin because I love my DP and his daughter, I dont to let them down and I never have, funny enough I keep my word and honour my responsibilities.

However this constant and ongoing control from his ex is having a toll on me. I actually had a nervous breakdown back in March with the stress of it all. I collapsed at work in a catatonic state and had to be taken out in a wheelchair. Now that I have a newborn to care for also I really really cannot afford to have an episode like that again, therefore things need to change.
As for the contact arrangements and sticking to them, the point is she took him to court to get sole residency and cut down his time with DP's beloved DD and he was forced to fight through the courts. He actually got shared residency and a contact order is also in place. One would think after all that things would be settled but nope she's still messing around. IMO DP compromises with her all to much ie he is really flexible and reasonable but never ever gets any reciprocation or recognition of that. Its like he owes her or something- strange really as she was the one that ended the relationship when it was he who really wanted to work at it. Meanwhile Im the rag tag who has to put up with it all because I love him to bits.

Brownsuga
IMO you absolutely right, he does need to put his foot down and not give her an inch because she always takes a mile. For example, his ex asked him to arrange his DD's birthday party last year, she agreed to shared the costs 50/50. So he did all the arrangements and his DD had a her party. At the end of the party his ex without consultation made off with all the presents back to her place (bear in mind the lo spent nearly half the time with her dad)Did he ever see any of the money she had agreed to pay for the party, of course not. Everytime he tried to raise the issue she got shirty and/or was avoidant. I knew that he would never see a penny of it.
Again and again his reasonableness and compromises are not reciprocated.

The latest upshot of her dumping his DD's on him this week is that he has got into trouble at work and will have work extra next week to make up the time he spent leaving work at 3ish to do the school run. Work policy apparently is that they can have carer leave as and emergency but then they have to make other arrangements to care for the child. So next week he will see less of the baby and I becuase he has to make up the time.
IMO he should have helped the ex out for maybe a day or two while she made alternative childcare arrangements after all there is a contact order in place and one that was of her choosing.

I am starting to feel depressed, I know the feeling well as I have suffered severe depression in the past. If this goes on I will have to go back on meds

ElenorRigby - I'm a stepmother too, and I know exactly what it's like - you want to make your DP and your stepchildren happy and actually you end up making your DP's ex happy .

That's why, after lots of soul-searching and coming and going, you actually have to be very firm with your DP and say - who are you sharing your life with - me or her? Because if you bow to her demands, you are putting her first.

He must be made to understand this.

And children are much, much happier when they know exactly who is going to care for them and when and no unnecessary changes are made.

Hello from the August thread...Sorry to hear that you're feeling down. I think it sounds like the ex is feeling jealous too. I'm not a step parent but have been a stepchild. She might be worried that her dd will be pushed out by your dd and so is trying to show she still has some power. Your baby is still new on the scene and hopefully things will settle down.

Could you do the school run so that your dp can stay at work? Would get you out the house too, which I always find helps make me feel better.

Make sure that your dp knows exactly how you feel - maybe show him this thread?

Thanks for the replys Anna and loler

Anna I have explained to DP that the uncertainty related to his exs actions are having a significant effect on me. I have also talked to my HV and explained the situation to her, that I felt I was going into depression and havring thoughts of self harm. I scored borderline depression on the PND questionaire. two days on I have decieded to go on anti depressants to help me through this tough period.
I have also said to DP that I will not have anymore of her messing around. If she gets "ill" in the future we will only offer to help out for a day or 2 whilst she makes childcare arrangments. Atm she is having her cake and eating it ie she managed to reduce the amount of time DP has with his daughter from 6 out of 14 nights to 4/14 but if she makes some excuse ie a stomach bug she palms DD off on us. Its not gonna happen anymore. If she feels she cant cope with DP's DD so much fine back to court for a variation on the contact order. We are more than willing and happy to have his DD for more time but only on a stable routine basis not an ad hoc one. Its the unpredictability thats the main problem neither us or his DD know where we stand.

Loler...
Nope I would not do the school run. DP would not want me too and its not fair to run round with 6 week old to cover the childcare of someone who simply cant be bothered. As I said above there is a court order in place one of her instigation that she specifically wanted dad cut out of his DD's life during the school week for the reason she thought it disruptive. Well she cant have it both ways. The court order is less than 3 months old but shes not honouring it. What she is doing is anything but reasonable and in the best interests of his DD. Id call it taking the p...! As I said above if shes not happy with the arrangement fine lets go back to court for a variation on the contact order