First holiday as a blended family

[Festivalgirl83]

We are going on holiday next week, our first as a blended family with my two DC and DSD after DP moved in with us this year. The children are all a similar age and generally get on really well with each other but a part of me is anxious about the trip. DSD is an extremely fussy eater (only eats beige frozen food) and this makes meals out impossible, even when choosing from a kids menu. If she doesnt get her own way she (fake) cries and says she hates her dad and wants to go back to her Mummy, she shouts and causes a scene at the table and then there is the constant nagging every night we have her to facetime her Mum. We are going away for four days only. She is such a lovely little girl in other ways but DP and her mum spoil her rotten as she is an only child and she finds sharing difficult.
My two DC are no angels as they fight terribly amongst each other but they find her behaviour difficult as well at times.
Add in the car journey where the three of them will be squabbling and I'm wondering how I'll survive 😬

How far are you travelling?
Could you maybe have stops in between to give all the kids breaks?

My DS is a picky eater, and I completely understand how frustrating that can be.
How old is your DSD?

My DS has been less fussy with food as we have been offering different food and not giving in to his demands of "plain food".
This did result in him going to bed not having had his dinner one night. That was his choice, as he refused to eat the dinner I had made. I felt absolutely awful for letting him go to bed without but it was the only way to set the boundary. He had also sat at the dining table with his food for an hour, refusing to eat it, crying and all sorts.

You seem to be undermining you ss issues with food. Don't do that. My sister was a very fussy eater and my mum was always getting her to eat things she didn't want. It made mealtime stressful for every one. Ironically, I was the exact opposite and I used to be told of for wanting seconds!

In the end we both turned out fine, but my sister will say that she was honestly totally anxious about food and she has horrible memories of meal times. We thought she was making it up but she really wasn't.

I would discuss with her what she wants to eat, but it and bring it to the restaurant, easy. Explain to restaurant staff if needed.

I now refuse to go on holiday with the DSC.

15 YO DSD only eats processed beige food. Very very limited diet which mum has pandered to and caused the monster.

We went to Portugal last year on holiday (a pretty anglicised resort) and every night we went through the same routine of having to look at the menus of 30 restaurants before we found one she would eat in. Every night for 7 nights she ate a plain omelet and chips (which had to be specially ordered as it wasn’t on the menu). It was a miserable experience mealtimes and I won’t be repeating it.

Not doing it again as it causes me too much stress.

Do not give a child this power. I love this:

Good luck.

Good thing - if there is nothing on the menu she likes then she has a snack/food when you get in.

I would set expectations about when and how often speaking to her Mum is.

I would discuss rules and expectations of behaviour on the journey and holiday in advance...

Take the heat out of meal times and just give her what she likes. My dd3 is a faddy eater and we literally just order her a plate of chips where ever we go.

Look at menus before you go in anywhere so you know there is some thing she can have. Don’t use this holiday to be the time you take the battle on.

Expect fall outs and face pulling, be flexible and let it wash over you. When there had been an argument move on quickly do t let it tester. If it gets too much go for a walk on your own or take your dc out for a bit.

The key is being flexible!

Or, take the kids out to eat separately. Everyone gets the dinner they want. Not necessary the holiday you want but then the only person inconvenienced will be DP. Might give him some food for thought.

Hat’s off to you Northern - not sure I could have managed that.

@NorthernSpirit

I now refuse to go on holiday with the DSC.

15 YO DSD only eats processed beige food. Very very limited diet which mum has pandered to and caused the monster.

We went to Portugal last year on holiday (a pretty anglicised resort) and every night we went through the same routine of having to look at the menus of 30 restaurants before we found one she would eat in. Every night for 7 nights she ate a plain omelet and chips (which had to be specially ordered as it wasn’t on the menu). It was a miserable experience mealtimes and I won’t be repeating it.

Not doing it again as it causes me too much stress.

Do not give a child this power. I love this:

Good luck.

That video is hilarious 😂🤣🤣😂

It might be a good idea to use @AuntyFungal’s idea of just making it your DP’s problem. He’ll only address things if it’s ruining his holiday/life. And you can have more relaxing meals with your DC.

I absolutely hate eating with my DSC. The issues have been going on for years and they persist because DH just won’t consistently apply any approach we agree. Instead what we get is classic intermittent reinforcement and it all goes on and on.

Don’t set a precedent that you’ll just sit through all this, and make your kids do the same. Everything will be much better if you can put boundaries in place so that you’re not seething several times a day on holiday.

Northern spirit. That video is hilarious.

That video is brilliant 🤣🤣

@dontdisturbmenow

You seem to be undermining you ss issues with food. Don't do that. My sister was a very fussy eater and my mum was always getting her to eat things she didn't want. It made mealtime stressful for every one. Ironically, I was the exact opposite and I used to be told of for wanting seconds!

In the end we both turned out fine, but my sister will say that she was honestly totally anxious about food and she has horrible memories of meal times. We thought she was making it up but she really wasn't.

I would discuss with her what she wants to eat, but it and bring it to the restaurant, easy. Explain to restaurant staff if needed.

I stay well out of it and leave it to DP, I merely gently encourage. She is very anxious about food now but apparently her own Mum is a very fussy eater and we think its learnt behaviour and rubbed off.

Thanks some useful comments here, especially about setting boundaries with certain things and expectations and warnings to all kids about behaviour etc

I’m very much of the eat it or go hungry brigade. I wouldn’t make my child eat what she didn’t want but there would be no alternative and no pudding or snacks. A holiday with a fussy eater sounds no fun at all. She would have to survive on the bits of the meal she deigns to eat, I-would not be trailing around every restaurant in town looking for the most dull menu.

I don't have any answers but noticed that your family trailed round many restaurants only to end up with the fussy one eating the same, off menu thing each night.

In your shoes, I'd ask the first restaurant whether they do omelet and chips..

Don't make her eat anything she doesn't want but equally don't let her be the focus. Send DP off with her if all else fails. Of course, this might be exactly the outcome she desires. Sigh.

I have 2 DS and 1 DSD. Holidays have always been interesting..... My 2 have their own additional needs; DSD is used to getting his own way all the time. Taking this into account plus having a child that has sensory difficulties and therefore had a restricted diet plus a DSS that has never been encouraged to try new things and only eats the same plain food all the time my advice would be this:-

Do not make your first holiday the place to have this battle. If all DSD will eat is chicken nuggets and chips (for example) then fine - 4 days of this wont hurt her. Just do your research about where you're going and make sure there is something on the menu she would usually eat.

Also, agree with DP in advance that if a child (any child, not just DSD) behaves unacceptably during a mealtime/day out etc, their parent will remove them so everyone else can enjoy their meal/day out.

Consider taking 2 cars (if you both drive) so if 1 child is misbehaving the rest can still go out - DSD (and DP) learnt the hard way once when he was kicking off about going out for dinner so I left DP at the chalet with bread ham and cheese for sandwiches for them both and took my kids out for a meal (I have also stayed behind with one of my kids before and DP taken DSD and my other when they've misbehaved).

Dont expect it to all be plain sailing - it is going to be a lot of adjustment! Try to keep things pretty relaxed, easy going and not too regimented.

As there's 3 kids, maybe allow each child a choice of activity / meal option each day eg day 1 A chooses morning activity, B chooses afternoon, C choose dinner venue - obv all these activities are from a pre agreed list you and DP have chosen. This way, no one can complain they never get what they want (expect you and DP of course but thats the joys of kids isn't it? lol).

I'm sure if you and DP discuss expectations with each other before and ler the kids know how things are going to work it will be fine - hope you have a lovely break!

Take separate vehicles, then there is more option for activities or time apart if needed. I agree about not making this holiday the time to start trying to change her eating habits, and in fact I wouldn’t even gently encourage, it’s taken her whole life to have her current eating habits and they aren’t going to be changed by one person putting even gentle pressure on. My DCs are not very fussy, but they have spent years eating what I eat because I am lazy. It would take much more than weekend battles to change their eating habits.

I second the suggestion of making this your DP's problem, do not let this ruin your dc's holiday. Go your separate ways for meal times if necessary and don't compromise.

My dsb when we went on our first holiday as a blended family manipulated so many situations to make himself feel more secure (he admitted this many years later) but it meant my sibling and me lost out on a lot of things that we wanted to do and I really, really resent my dm for allowing that to happen.

When it comes to food, if all she wants is chips and ketchup, let her - it's 4 days. Dd was super fussy but often liked the starters so we ordered a starter plus chips for instance. Otherwise relax, assume it will be fine

Not sure how old she is but I love @AuntyFungal’s idea of eating out separately. It will take all the stress out of mealtimes and also give the children time with just their parent, which is really important.

You and DP could then have drinks together later.

The FaceTiming mum every night is something your DP can discourage/manage (unless she is very little). If it happens it should be brief and in another room.

Good luck!

Good luck.

I had a very fussy eater. On holiday I refused to worry about it, even if she ate chicken nuggets or chips for a week. Most places catering for kids will have something beige. Bread and butter and ice cream afterwards. Life is honestly too short. Mine grew out of it eventually.

Rather then start with an assumption that food will not be eaten and fussing will take place, try going in expecting things to be fine. I would focus on the positives of trying new things myself and saying to all the children that they can try your food. Ask if they would like to try anything new from the menu and be really positive about any of the children trying new things. That way you start from a fair and positive position and cannot be sucked into the stress.

If she insists on baby crying, start a conversation with your children about your meals to show you are already busy and leave her to her dad. If he complains to you about her, try being non-committal rather than negative. He has to acknowledge the problem and tackle this as you are not her parent. It really is her choice to feed her crap or encourage a proper diet.