I don’t know why she’s so horrible

[MumandnotMum]

DH ex is on a constant nice/not nice cycle. Depending on what she wants. Normally she sends extreme texts and spits venom but she’s stopped that now and is instead relaying it through the kids.

She has form for leaving them here when it’s inconvenient for her to have them, Lockdown they didn’t see her for three months and since then she has just gone to new extremes with her nastiness.
DSS had an accident over in her house, she told DH how it happened but DSS has been telling it differently. He has had stitches and DH was told to keep an eye out for infection instead but every time he goes near it, the kids all start panicking that she’s told them to “make sure Daddy doesn’t touch his plaster”.
I’m trying to detach and not get involved with her as it clearly just ends badly for me but I’m stuck listening to the list of things she’s told them we can and can’t do and what she’s said about us. I’m trying not to stoop to her level but she’s calling me little boy names and things and it’s just unacceptable.
It’s really hurting, I put those kids first before everything else in my life. I’m not expecting them to appreciate it necessarily but don’t come into my home and be horrid to me because someone has told you to.

You haven't said how old the kids are but part of the issue is that you have a DH issue. Has he done anything to sort out having his children consistently? Has he done anything to deal with their attitude?

My DP's ex tried that on us (and more) resulting in a Child Arrangements Order and DP ignoring her. She tries the messages through the DC and we just told the DC that everything is sorted out so he won't be responding.

With regards to the accident - if your DH thinks there is an issue with the cut he should take his child to A&E. The DC can then explain to a medical professional what their problem is.

Yes and yes. Their attitude is all dependent on how she feels towards DH though. The contact is supposed to be 50/50 but when her car breaks down (all the time) or she has appointments etc, they stay here more time. But I’m talking every month there’s extra time. Not occasionally. Obviously have to say no to these things in future but she’ll just not take them to school or whatever. It’s difficult to deal with the attitude without ending up talking down about her which we’re both trying desperately not to do. Such as “my Mum says we don’t have to listen to you because you’re a wanker” - I mean it’s just beyond anything I ever thought I’d have to deal with. And like i said when she needs something the kids are all sweetness and light to us.
I don’t think he needs to see a Doctor, he seems fine totally but it’s just the act of telling to kids to tell DH what to do and not to do.

Your DH needs to tell them that mum and dad do some things differently and it's good for them to be able to adapt (or age appropriate words) when I'm different houses.

I bet there would have been merry hell if the accident happened in your house.

What age are they!? That language is unacceptable- but why are you bending over backwards when your DH has not stood up? Do you and your DH have kids together? Don’t facilitate this shit and don’t be prime mediator. I’m SM to 4 (now adult) kids who had a self-centred narc as a mother who never put her kids first - but emotionally manipulated them so they spent years thinking her “faults” were theirs. Step back and if you have no kids with your DH seriously consider if you want this toxicity in your life if he’s not going to address issues

DH absolutely hates her, and does his utmost to make zero conversation with her ever. It’s been 50/50 since they split.

She had some involvement with social services and they were placed with us for a time, however it was only temporary and everyone knew that whilst it was happening. At this point she started playing sweetly and everyone made a huge effort to keep the peace and she was quite apologetic and basically accepted that DH had every right to be worried. It didn’t last long though until it was back on the hate trail. Then she ditched Christmas, and then got pregnant and ditched them for all of lockdown and since she’s started seeing them again, she’s gone back to hating him.
It’s not something that he lets go and the after a few days, the kids settle into remembering the rules here but they’re bombarded by her from the second they go to her house until they come back home, they’re visibly nervous when they come in.

However, trying to ask her to not do something or any attempts to be nice or ask how one of the kids is or anything just ends in her going off on one and she takes it out on the kids so when it comes to actually dealing with her, grey rock seems to be the way to go, one word answers and the like.

I just wish she’d stop filling their heads full of shit because we don’t retaliate so it just means that they’ve got that opinion of us. They literally sweep anything she does to them to the side and forgive her because “that’s just the way she is”.

We have a child together yes. He’s my only child.

How old are they OP?

Their mother clearly has an agenda. You need your DH to ignore it and set his own objectives. Any interest in him being RP and them seeing her for contact? Sounds like your there by default.

What consequences are there when they call your DH a wanker?

Tried that. She said he was threatening to keep her children from her. She gets a lot of stick for her friends for not being a “hard done by single mum” (her words, not mine).
They don’t call him that as a way of insult. DSS was crying and saying that that’s what his Mum has said. He wouldn’t say the word. Word for word it went like - “My mum wants us to hate you. She says not to listen to you, you’re nothing but a you know, that bad word that starts with a W”. It’s the weird stinking looks and the other stuff that’s interspaced with that sort of crap basically which sums up their whole attitude.

The most difficult thing is that she’s not saying anything to DH’s face anymore. She sends the off informative text with a few digs in there but is mentally battering her kids whilst they’re with her.
They’re so confused it’s beyond a joke.

Why not tell the kids that the things that mommy says are things that are only to be repeated in mommy's house,and the things that you say are not to be repeated outside of your house? Acknowledge that mommy may say bad things and bad words, but those are her in-house statements and should never, ever be repeated in your house.

I would not be to concerned about what she calls your son as long as she is not saying those things to your son.

Children can learn that different people think and act in different ways. They can be taught what is appropriate and what is inappropriate. You are never going to change their mother's behavior, but their father can and should be as involved in their character development as the mother. He can teach and model appropriate behavior . Children learn from both their mother and their father. You husband should be proactive in providing appropriate character development for his children.

Far too many dads leave proactive character development to the mothers. You do not get a pass on appropriately rearing your children simply because they do not live with you on a full time basis.

We won’t ask them not to repeat things that we say in our house as it has made things worse in the past. I don’t want them to be in the position where they feel they have to keep secrets. I’d like it to be the truth, though it isn’t always the case I don’t think.

However, it will definitely be said that we don’t want to hear about what she says in our house. And we will both be reinforcing behaviour which we don’t want to see.

The character development is what scares me a bit. They seem to be able to have almost split personalities. Their Mum has pretty low standards when it comes to behaviour, swearing and violence is part of the course but they know we don’t allow it so they don’t do it whilst at home here. I suppose it’s just which version of themselves they choose to be as adults.

I hear you OP. DH EXw is crazily changeable too. One minute she's saying my wage should be included in the CMS (She has never worked) the next I'm not involved, I'm not their stepmum (even though we are married), then only a few months later she's asking for my advice on keeping the kids safe online (I'm a police officer in child protection)
It's exhausting. If they were one way or the other it would be easier to know what to expect.
I agree not to have them feel they need to keep secrets from your house, it's bad enough they have it at their mums house. She sounds awful, parental alienation can really mess kids up. I would try and shut down anything they say about what their mum has said, as soon as they start talking about it, just nod and say 'Is that right?' and change the subject.
I feel for you. It's so tough. It will get easier. They will see the truth soon enough.