15 YO DSD Hygiene

[NorthernSpirit]

Can I ask for some advice as I’m at the end of my tether with my 15 YO DSD and this is now causing conflict between my OH and I.

For context - her personal hygiene is now causing problems. She just won’t take any personal responsibility for it.

Won’t wash unless told to. ‘Forgets’ to wash her hair when in the shower (unless you tell her to). Last weekend wore the same old hole ridden T shirt for 3 days (even when she’d been in the river Thames in it the day before). She won’t put deodorant on. Puts a full face of make up on and never takes it off so the pillow cases are caked in make up.

But my biggest bug bear......

I’ve just gone into her room to put her clean washing in and there was a bad smell. It turns out she’s not been putting used sanitary towels in the bathroom bin (I’ve bought her bags to put them in and explained over the course of 2 years that they need to be bagged and put in the bathroom bin). Literally every month we go through the same drill and I have to remind her. It’s driving me mad.

My OH says I’m picking on her (I’ve literally just thrown a used towel at him that I found in a bedroom draw festering) and told him to deal with it. But he won’t. I’m left to be the bad guy.

Any advice from other DSM’s? I’ve tried disengaging and stepping away but my OH doesn’t deal with it.

That is utterly vile and not normal at all. Does she have any SEN or mental health issues?

The fact that your OH is refusing to deal with it speaks to its cause, I feel.

Your DSD is telling you something with her behaviour. She is expressing her contempt in a way she is able to - and it's working. (And she may not be fully, if at all, aware of the underlying reasons for her actions.)

She needs boundaries. If her father can't lay them down, then he is accountable. It speaks to a bigger picture - and it's not your mess to clean up, either literally or figuratively.

I anticipate that you have more problems at home alongside this?

I have had the same problem. I don’t think either of my 2 SDs have washed their hair at ours. They would wear the same clothes for days on end and don’t even get me started on trying to wash their clothes and bedding. We also had the sanitary towel issue. I mentioned that to their DM who immediately went in to attack mode but I think that was down to embarrassment. We didn’t have them throughout lockdown and I have to say have seen some improvements. We’ve a long way to go but sadly suffer from a lack of boundaries and rules by both their DM and my DH. I have also totally backed off and leave them to it so we’ll see if that works

I’ve also done the buying nice products & bedding etc to try & encourage them but that didn’t work. My DH doesn’t back me in it & my attitude now is they are not my children and it just reflects badly in their parents.

How has her overall behaviour been recently? Has she grown out of sitting on her dads knee yet? I’m wondering if she’s just not emotionally dealing with puberty all that well and is sort of in denial about BO and periods and what not?

I would also say that's not very normal behaviour from a 15 year old. My dd is 14 and has improved hugely over the last two years re hygiene & keeping her personal space clean (as did my boys at similar ages). I would be inclined to agree with the poster who says she's showing contempt (especially given what else you've posted about her) & most likely knows her df won't do anything about it but that it's pissing you off mightily.
As they say - it's really a oh problem, which he needs to tackle as he's doing her no favours whatsoever. Am I right though in thinking he's not very receptive to comments/advice regarding her behaviour?

What on earth is wrong with your husband that he isn't dealing with this. You sound lovely but her dad is really neglecting her. He needs to be supporting her and should want to know where she is behaving like this.

Have exactly the same issue with DSD. She is 13 and use to pretend to shower and by pretend she would sit in the bathroom for 15 mins with the shower running. She also would not use deodorant or brush her teeth.
We've had to be cruel to be kind in the end, tell her what would happen to her teeth if she doesn't brush them. Tell her that no one will want to hand around with her if she smells etc. It's a working progress but she seems to be taking more notice.

Awful situation but you know that if her father doesn’t care and won’t back you up all you can do is disengage. She’s not your child, she won’t listen to you. She either doesn’t care what you think or she’s deliberately winding you up so you can only protect yourself best by stopping caring so much. Close her door and don’t do her washing, stripping the bed. If there’s a mess in the bathroom or gross stuff in the bin just calmly tell him it needs sorting without blaming her. “DP, the bathroom bin needs emptying” not “your DD has made a mess again, FFS talk to her about it”. That way he can’t be defensive or angry with you and you avoid arguments.

@NorthernSpirit maybe a bin in her bedroom?

I believed I was ugly and useless and didn’t see the point in washing my hair. Turns out I was very depressed (caused by the pill).

Invite her friends over? I remember seeing used sanitary towels on my friends floor and she was mortified when I saw it!!

Her bedroom was most definitely nicer on visits afterwards

@NorthernSpirit I’m sure someones sister at school had maggots in their old sanitary towels once! She also hid them in her underwear drawer. And she needed to replace everything inside that drawer including ALL underwear and socks.

Could you fake an infestation somehow?? Would she care?

You’d have to do fake dry retching 😂🤷🏻‍♀️

Tbh I feel quite nauseous remembering that story

It sounds as if you’ve tried everything. Have you or DH explained that smell will cause social problems?

I can’t imagine a parent thinking this is OK. She has two who are failing her (your DH and her mother). If nothing else, I would hope the pandemic would sharpe the focus on hygiene.

Does she sit with you for meals and in the evenings?

Thanks for the responses everyone.

To answer some questions:

@SpongebobNoPants - no diagnosed SN or mental health issues but I have wondered if she’s depressed or does have some SN. She’s very young and immature for her age. She’s 15 - can’t have a conversation with an adult, has no eye contact, lacks empathy, unable to socialise.....

@BertiesLanding - This is the nail in the coffin for me. At her age (15 YO) I would expect her to be able to cook a meal, strip a bed, clean her room. She can’t do anything and has absolutely no interest in learning or doing anything. Over the last few months I’ve become exasperated by this and have started to detach. I shit you not..... up until 6 months ago she couldn’t use a toaster. Apparently mummy says it’s too dangerous (she’s completely babyfied at home).

@Giespeace - Her overall behaviour has been pretty shit recently (I believe all behaviour is communication and her behaviour is pretty poor). My OH has had some 1-2-1 time with her recently and she won’t chat or open up. She won’t look me in the eye. Never speaks to me. Locks herself away in her room all day. Has a face like thunder and is miserable to be around. Her mother is extremely bitter and my OH believers parental alienation is taking place. Social services & CAFCASS won’t do anything about it. The mother continually slags her dad and me off (I know I am referred to as ‘her’ and she’s stated it as well).

She’s stopped sitting on his knee but I think she is in denial about growing up. She’s very immature - doesn’t want pocket money, won’t do any chores, no interest in self care, can’t get public transport on her own.

@Magda72 - I can’t say anything without it erupting into an argument and being accused of picking on her. I am really trying to detach.

@AnneLovesGilbert - you are right on disengaging and that’s good advice.

@MeridianB - she’s not bothered in the slightest about social problems. We do eat together but that’s also starting to become a problem for me as to be frank she eats like a toddler. Has to be constantly reminded to use cutlery (would eat with her hands if not pulled up). Grabs food from serving plates in the middle of the table with her hands and it’s really starting to wind me up as good table manners are really important to me. It’s a loosing battle, we only have her EOW - by Sunday she remembers, then she goes back to mums and when she returns she starts again.

Thanks for the advice all. My OH and I have spoken tonight (in a calm not confrontational way) and he admits there’s a problem. She’s here Friday and he’s going to talk to her (again) to see what’s going on and about taking responsibility for herself and the sanitary towel is unacceptable. As a consequence she will be told to clean her own room this weekend including sanitising the drawer that offending item was found in.

Thanks everyone.

Really glad DH listened. There’s no excuse for this. If his child was struggling in other ways surely he’d address it and this is no different.

I 100% agree on table manners and this has been an issue for us. I just don’t get why a parent would find it OK.

It’s not about being formal, it’s about ensuring that they can go anywhere in life and behave appropriately and feel comfortable. Part of life skills. Ask your DH to imagine if his DD ate with her hands and grabbed food with her hands from serving dishes at friends, her grandparents, a restaurant or later in life at a work dinner or on a date.

In my case I had to stop cooking for a long while and didn’t eat with them. It wasn’t ideal but better than the stressful meal times. If you have to contend with BO as well then I’m not sure how you managed to keep your cool for so long.

Even if I 100% agreed with you, I wouldn’t respond well to having my teenage daughters used sanitary towel thrown at me. That’s inexcusable. You could have called him into the room to deal with it.