Does anyone else have to parent and step parent blind?

[Songbird232018]

This is so frustrating I hope it comes across on the correct way! So long story short I have 3 teenage step children and absolutely fine relationships no issues for the most part. My partner and his ex wife do not have the beta relationship it due to ages of the children ( 13 14 17) they don't often need to be in contact however when they do we get absolutely no info from her it's like trying to arrange contact and situations around a billion hurdles and it's just getting annoying!
For instance the odd occasion we want to have the kids extra we will say 'it's nans birthday can we have then this weekend or say the 28th June can we have the kids because we've booked tickets to the outdoor cinema' etc etc but oh my god we get zero input!!

So we wanted the kids 2 weeks in the summer holidays but she said no to our dates with no reason just 'they can't be at yours those dates' so we are trying to figure new dates out when the kids finally say that they couldn't be with us that particular Saturday as it was their sisters 5th birthday and it's like god why wasn't that just said! To make life easier and we can work with it!

We were to return the kids tonight at 5 but she texted at 4.40 and said can we Keep that a bit longer she has no idea when till but she'll keep us updated, we had plans to go to our friends BBQ so said this and could she give us any idea of time so we knew if we would be Late or have to cancel or could the kids just stay the night and be home alone for a bit??
She replies with it's fine actually just drop them at my sisters (10 Mins from mums) and she would collect from there. So we did and didn't think much else of it. The sister gave us a filthy look from the window but ok to the bbq we went.

Now to find out that she and her new husband actually had to rush their 8month or son to a&e with suspected meningitis!!! (Baby is fine we now know) but we are now made to look the awful people me that won't keep the keeps during a medical emergency which of course we bloody would of!! No questions asked!

Just ranting really but I really feel like we should say so things later on about communication?? Any thoughts or similar relationships out there?

Siblings birthdays are key events so as standard me or ex would ensure ds was available. It sounds like contact is made last minute if you want 2 weeks it should be arranged in advance, so atleast they can make plans

Of course they are, but we don't know their two siblings birthdays so we just ask for the weeks that So what's frustrating is if she was just to say that's so and so's birthday so no it would be fine but it's always just no and feels bloody he's to work with not knowing anything going on with them. I have both birthdays on the calendar now it won't happen again

DHs ex was like this. She didn't tell us the date of her wedding and we ended up booking ours the weekend before completely stealing her thunder....serves her right!

She also used to do the "no we can't do that" with no explanation 🙄

I'm afraid you just have to rise above it and be super over the top nice so she ends up looking the fool. Eg sending flowers when something's happened or a gift for the baby etc etc when you find out from the kids what's actually going on. And engage with the kids in a positive way about their other family as much as possible. Be strong and be the better person.

I can see its annoying but if its not the best relationship I can see why she doesn't want to give you details.

We have regularly not told his ex the real reason we can't change or want to change cuz it's not her business

This sounds like she is being deliberately uncommunicative to make things awkward. As obviously most people would say what was going on with they baby. Or that it was a siblings birthday. This makes me think she doesn't want either of you knowing about her life.

How was the break up with your dh? It feels like she's a bit resentful of him perhaps?

I do understand it's not our business as such but it would help her also for us to know more because we are really flexible when needed.

The break up was on her, she met a new man through a friend and decided to end the marriage, they weren't happy so there was no bitterness from my partner and to be fair her and her husband are happily married with two more children as far as I know and myself and DH have one child together, both of us and bought first homes and all the kids get on with me so I don't see the need for the resentment.

When me and my partner were together maybe 3 months and her and partner had been together 7 months she did ask for him back and for them to go to counselling he declined but that was 5 years ago I doubt that's still an issue?

It's to the point where we are not allowed to be shown pictures of her two new children... sad for the other I think as they want to show them off.

We were running late a few months ago and ended up picking a MacDonald's up for dinner because there just wasn't time to go home and cook, I suggested they get a extra McFlurry for their 4 year old Sister as it wouldn't be fair them walking in unexpectedly finishing an ice cream with a young child having none. So they did and literally they had just walked in the door and my SD called and said can you guys come back because their sister is not having the ice cream and we had to take it back!

It's just not how I operate and all their kids are getting older we are going to have weddings and events to attend and I just can't see how the hell we can all do it together :/

DSDS mum is like this; it often feels like it’s to mess us around and due to various things in the past when we are given reasons we don’t always know if they’re true. It’s really frustrating as we want to be flexible and work together but we’re not given the opportunity.

At 17, I'd expect them to relate to you what is going in rather then rely on their mum.

Surely they could have said about their doings birthday from the start, same with hospital, surely their mum told them.

I expect mum is fed up to have to relay information when she has an almost adult child that could do so if not the 13 and 14yo.

And why couldn't they come home and stay on their own. It makes them sound like they are under 10yo.

At the ages they're at you'd be better off starting to communicate more directly with them than via their unhelpful mother.

There is a risk with teens that they exploit this if you're not careful though (my eldest DSD told us she didn't want to come in a family visit with us and would stay with her mum, told her mum she was staying with us and hosted a teenage party at our house....) So best thing for day to day issues is to make plans direct with the DSC and then let their mum know exactly what has been agreed. For bigger things like holidays you could try asking the DSC to check the dates you're proposing are ok with their mum. They should at least know if they clash with their sister's birthday.

Just as you have a right to say no without full explanation she has a right not to have to give you all the details.

How will knowing the detailed reason why change the outcome unless you want to judge if you deem her explanation acceptable?

She's just being difficult, but if she refuses to let you know the reasons then it's not your fault, so ignore the dirty looks from her family.

You just need to know you're not doing anything wrong and the kids will soon all be old enough to communicate and arrange contact directly.

How will knowing the detailed reason why change the outcome unless you want to judge if you deem her explanation acceptable

Of course they have a right to judge! If their BBQ plans are disrupted because she is out getting drunk then that's one thing- being stuck in traffic, having to take a child to A&E. It's the reasonable person test. Seems to me that the OP is asking to pass this test. The Mother is denying them the right to take it.

Op I get your frustration but honestly with the ages of the kids involved just cut her out.
Any 17 yr old should have a key (my 18 & 14 year olds both have house keys) so there should have been no issue with dropping them home as opposed to her sisters.
My exh & I have a good working relationship but we rarely contact each other with the day to day - only contact we have now is over finances/worries about a child etc. He contacts ours directly & when they're at his I contact them directly.
All three of your step kids should have been able to tell you it was a siblings birthday & all three could be home alone at the ages they're at.

You just need to know you're not doing anything wrong and the kids will soon all be old enough to communicate and arrange contact directly.

The 14 and 17 year old are old enough to communicate and arrange contact directly. I know a few separated parents who organise contact with their 14-17 year old children directly plus one who does it with their 13 year old though there is an older sibling.

OP if their mother refuses to give your DP information it means she expects him to sort out things with the teens directly and inform her. If the teens refuse to give him information at all/in a timely manner or say speak to her, then it means they don't want to go/do that activity.

In regards to returning the teens - you should have just returned them. They are not primary aged children so should be capable of looking after themselves for a couple of hours and have keys to their own parents houses.

The 14 and 17 year old are old enough to communicate and arrange contact directly

I know they are able to communicate via phone or other means, but they cannot commit to going away with their dad or attending an event, unless their mum is in agreement with the plans.

To follow up...it does depend on how she parents.. as some 13/14 year old can choose and decide if they rotor rather go with dad...others have to do what the RP says.

I'd also expect that a 17, 14 and 13 year old can stay home alone.

My DC would come home from school by themselves from year 7.

I wish it was more direct communication with the children however they are very much still told what to do and say and we have been told previously not to text the children to arrange time at our.

They are only allowed a key at certain times in case they lose it. I guess we've just got to suck it up it's only a few more years till everyone is late teens early 20s!

Thanks for advice it's nice to know I'm not just pissed off for no reason :)

I don’t see the issue here. She wasn’t difficult, she gave you an alternative drop off for the kids, no harm done. I keep my cards very close to my chest with my ex precisely because of judgement on his And his girlfriend’s part and a sense that he thinks he has a right to approve what I do and who I do it with. I also found that when I was more open, he frequently changed his mind about arrangements when he decided it suited him to mess with my plans. I am afraid he doesn’t get a say in my life anymore and he has no need to know anything at all about it.

As for the poster above who believes you have a right to judge an ex and shouldn’t be the denied that right. Fuck that. My life is my own. If I will do what I want with who I want, if you consider my children neglected or abused, simply report to social services.

It would just be easier if she told you the reason why so you could rearrange for another time or make proper decisions.

However, the issue with the BBQ and the A&E trip. Perhaps she just didn't want to share that information with you? There have been occasions in the past where I have been very ill with pregnancy losses and my DH had to rush me to hospital/I had to stay there overnight and he had to ask to drop the children off a little early or late or whatever (maybe twice or three times in the space of 2 years). I didn't want his ex to know exactly the reason and I didn't think it was her business to know because it was an intensely private thing for me. There was one occasion where she wasn't able to have the children back an hour early so my mum took me to hospital instead and DH stayed and got on with parenting. I never ever judged or gave dirty looks or was resentful and because she didn't know the reason and that wasn't her fault but I do understand the not really wanting to share all of your private medical information with your ex. She gave you an alternative which was to drop off at her sisters. No harm done.