Boys are SO different to girls - advice gratefully received!

[MidLifeResurgence74]

Context:
I've been divorced since 2007 and have a 15 year old daughter who I co-parent with my ex husband. She is a teenager. But she's articulate, funny, interesting and has a lot to say.

I've been in a wonderful relationship (we don't live together) with a lovely chap for coming up to two years. He has an 11 year old son who he co-parents with his ex wife. His son is chatty, funny, cheeky and really very cute.

BUT.

We have not spent much time as a blended family because the two children are so different and understandably, have very little in common with each other. My daughter becomes petulant and surly, his son becomes whiny and starts talking in a baby voice. We've had one week's long holiday together in two years and it was interesting, but sadly culminated in me and my boyfriend actually having our first row because he says he can't cope with my daughter as he's not used to teenage girls (he stormed off after she muttered something under her breath).

I see a lot more of his son as I spend time in their house when my daughter is at her father's so although his son can be quite annoying and immature, I kind of just get on with it and let it wash over me. I can't storm out every time he whinges!

But now we're at a stage where we are talking about moving in together at some point in the future and I'm truthfully dreading it as it feels like the kids just won't get on and it will impact our relationship with each other.

Tell me about boys. When do they start to mature? He doesn't even do his own shoelaces up sometimes, he whines for a drink, he speaks in a baby voice a lot of the time. I get why my daughter finds it so annoying and I've asked her to try to just be polite even though she doesn't need to be his friend.

Any advice welcomed. I truly think we are not going to be able to live together until my daughter has left school (ergo in three years time) and his son will then be nearly 15 and might be a little more grown-up!

Thanks all.

Hi op - I don't think this is necessarily boy verses girl - I think it's just differing levels of maturity & parental expectation.
I have 2 boys & a girl & my kids have always been ridiculously mature (too much so at times ). In contrast exdp's kids (roughly same ages & all boys) were, imo, way too immature. Mine were let be mature, his were let be immature and the gap (plus other issues) was way too big.
Honestly, unless your parenting is on the same page & you support each other don't live together until the kids are much older as your relationship will suffer. Exdp & I split have a holiday from hell last year that was the straw that broke the camel's back.

This has absolutely nothing to do with being a boy or girl. This is down to individual personality, parenting and experiences.

This is not boy vs girl- this is different parenting.

Yeah...it's not a gender thing. They're different characters and with your BFs attitude...I don't think moving in together is in the best interests of the DC...at least not until you've spent more together ask 4 of you.

Definitely not a boy girl thing. They're just individuals. My 11 Yr old doesn't whine, has been able to do his laces for years and gets his own drinks (and breakfast and lunch whilst I'm at work). If you're dreading moving in together then just don't. Wait until your dc have grown up.

I also agree it's not a boy or girl thing, it's maturity and personality. My 14 year old DS was a lot more like you describe your 15 year old DD when he was 11, than your partners' 11 year old DS. My DS had difficulty tolerating children like your DP's DS when he was the same age. So you could have an 11 year old boy with another 11 year old boy and have the same issues and differences.

Thank you! Really interesting responses. I was thinking I was just so out of touch with what an 11 year old boy was like having never hung around them before but this is beginning to make more sense, and I do wonder whether he's been allowed to be quite a baby for a while. Much appreciate you taking the time to respond.

I have 8 ds's.. None have gotten past the toddler stage and still been behaving as you describe..
What you describe is shite parenting fallout behaviour...

Yes. I have 2 sons and this is not behaviour I recognise. I wouldn't be moving my daughter into this situation for her exam years, I would wait. (I have been single for 5 years while my 2 did their exams and still am.)

Campingintheraintoday.

8 ds's !

It's not a boy/girl thing.

I'm more worried about the fact your dp strops off and can't handle hanging out with your dd.

Looks like his ds gets his immaturity from him.

Please don't push your dd away just because you have a bf

I agree with everyone else. This isn't about gender, this is all about the difference in parenting (and potentially, to some extent, personality).

@karmasic

It's not a boy/girl thing.

I'm more worried about the fact your dp strops off and can't handle hanging out with your dd.

Looks like his ds gets his immaturity from him.

Please don't push your dd away just because you have a bf

My daughter comes first. I've been single for 13 years so I'm in no rush to move in or upset our wonderful dynamic. Really appreciate your insight.

The DS sounds really insecure - if you believe (as I do) that all behaviour is communication, what do you think his behaviours are telling you?

He doesn't even do his own shoelaces up sometimes, he whines for a drink, he speaks in a baby voice a lot of the time.

My 3 yr old ds wouldn't behave like this (apart from the shoelaces !! But he puts his own shoes on) and my 11 yr old ds would be mortified if I tried to tie his laces!

I imagine your partners ds is very different at school/with friends. It sounds like regression to get attention. Perhaps because of jealousy.

Your partner and you need a chat about the best way to handle it together.

@Howgreenwasmyvalley

Campingintheraintoday.
8 ds's ! shock

IKR... that was my reaction too.

I'm in a similar position in that my 17 year old daughter and my husband's 13 year old son have absolutely nothing in common. We're married and living together now and the kids have their own rooms and pretty much keep out of each other's way except for meal times. They get on ok as much as they need to, but they don't have the same interests. All I would say is don't rush into anything (we were together nearly 6 years before we got married) and don't expect the kids to be the best of friends, because they probably won't be. Even when your stepson matures a bit, your daughter will then be older and the gap between them will be the same. But if he annoys you now when you only see him some of the time, imagine how that would be magnified if you live together!

@chocolatesaltyballs22

I'm in a similar position in that my 17 year old daughter and my husband's 13 year old son have absolutely nothing in common. We're married and living together now and the kids have their own rooms and pretty much keep out of each other's way except for meal times. They get on ok as much as they need to, but they don't have the same interests. All I would say is don't rush into anything (we were together nearly 6 years before we got married) and don't expect the kids to be the best of friends, because they probably won't be. Even when your stepson matures a bit, your daughter will then be older and the gap between them will be the same. But if he annoys you now when you only see him some of the time, imagine how that would be magnified if you live together!

Very good point. It's not necessarily that he annoys me - I let it wash over me - it's more that my 15 year old finds him annoying. She's been an only child for 15 years so I do get it. All of these responses have been very helpful and cements my thinking in that we should be in no rush to move in together. And frankly, after 13 years living just me and her, I'm in no rush at all!

I have to say OP, if I had my time again I'm not sure I would do it. Not that I don't love my husband but I miss the days when the house was all mine and I had no one to worry about but myself and my daughter. I get very little alone time in the house these days!

Even regular siblings cant stand each other/not spend time together lol so I wouldn't say that is unusual and tbh it probably won't change as they get older.

What I would say is 1. Spend more time together as a family before moving in 2. Whatever bugs you now will be magnified once you do move in together

Oh no. Nothing more irritating than the dreaded baby voice!
However it must work for him- he wouldn't bother unless it was reinforced.

I suppose secondary school might improve him. He sounds quite unlikable to me, but I can’t stand the baby voice tactic.

Ugh. This is not a boy thing. It’s a whiny child thing and would drive me nuts!

My children by this age were able to do their shoelaces, get their own lunch/ breakfast / clear up/ get ready for school / prep bags completely independently.

Personally I wouldn’t move in. Not when there are such differing parenting styles. The child is obviously like this because he gets away with it. And it’s the parents letting him get away with it.