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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Heart goes out to SS wanting his mum and dad to live together

23 replies

Lucky08 · 26/07/2020 19:16

My other half and I are expecting our first child together. Other half has a child from a previous relationship, however hasn't lived with mum since he was a tiny baby. DSS aged 5 has been excited up until the last couple of weeks where he hasn't seemed as interested. Me and him where in the car today when he randomly came out with he loves the baby very much but he wants his mum and dad to live together, however I'm not to worry as he can come visit me with his dad. I felt hurt for a few seconds, then I just felt really bad for him. How do you explain to a 5 year old why his mum and dad dont live together, however his dad lives with his brother / sisters mum??

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Original poster

Lucky08 · 26/07/2020 21:32

OP posts:

Magda72 · 27/07/2020 01:24

Op I've no real advice for you bar explaining to him in age appropriate language that there are all different types of families. He's only 5 & is trying to make sense of things in his head & probably can't quite grasp mums & dads living apart. When exh & I split my dd was 4 & ds2 was 7 & I just kept explaining to them that some adults/parents decide they just want to be friends with each other but their love for their kids stays the same. Just keep reiterating that everyone loves him. If all the adults are on the same page, behaving well & being civil to each other things will get better; as he gets older he will accept & understand his family dynamics - I know mine did - but it does take all the adults behaving like adults imo.

Original poster

Lucky08 · 27/07/2020 07:42

We all get on really well and he does see this I'll often pick him up from mums and sit and have a chat for a while.
I told him that daddy will stay living with me but mummy and daddy love him very much as do I. It must just be so confusing for him.

OP posts:

RuffleCrow · 27/07/2020 07:45

Why doesn't he live with his mum? That's quite unusual.

Original poster

Lucky08 · 27/07/2020 07:47

He does live with mum. He just wants his dad to live with his mum too where has his dad lives with me.

OP posts:

KatherineJaneway · 27/07/2020 07:48

Sounds like he's picked up from somewhere that his family set up is slightly unusual and it's worrying him.

purpleboy · 27/07/2020 07:51

It's really down to his parents to explain that to him not you. How do you get on with his mum? Is she supportive of the new baby?

He is obviously worrying about feeling pushed out which is natural so he needs his dad to step up and make him feel more secure. As long as you actively involve him with the baby it will all be ok in the end.

YinuCeatleAyru · 27/07/2020 07:54

however hasn't lived with mum since he was a tiny baby.

is this describing your partner not living with his child's mum, or describing the child not living with his mum?

Original poster

Lucky08 · 27/07/2020 08:00

Sorry my partner hasn't lived with DSS mum since he was a baby. Yup his mum seems supportive of the baby.
It came across as SS has never known ever different however now there is a new baby he doesnt understand why the baby will have a mummy and daddy living together but he doesnt have his mummy and daddy living together. He asked the other week why the baby wont go to his mums with him.
I'm not sure why he said it to me and not to his dad, I think it was just on his mind when him and I where together.

OP posts:

Mumdiva99 · 27/07/2020 08:00

He has suddenly realised new baby will have mum and dad which he doesn't have. He sounds like he is jealous/envious of this. He's 5 so it's only to be expected. His dad needs to explain to him how special he is. How loved he is. How important he will be to the new baby.

Fressia123 · 27/07/2020 08:01

My stepdaughter thinks we're all a massive family! (She's almost 8). Her mum is remarrying and so are her dad and I. She thought that meant we'd all share the same surnames. As much as she's adjusted very well, I do remember she once said she will ask Santa for her parents to be together again. I think it's natural. No real advice aa we didn't say anything at the time and she never mentioned it ever again.

SandyY2K · 27/07/2020 09:15

He asked the other week why the baby wont go to his mums with him.

It's just all confusing to him at the moment. You did well in trying to explain it all to him.

I smiled when he said him and his dad would come and visit you.

Fred578 · 27/07/2020 09:20

@SandyY2K I smiled at that too. That says to me that he cares about you and your feelings OP and doesn’t wish you weren’t around.
This step-parenting lark isn’t easy but it sounds like your handling it well. It’s good that you and his mum get on well, that will make life so much easier for everyone. Congratulations on the baby

Fred578 · 27/07/2020 09:21

*you’re

Original poster

Lucky08 · 27/07/2020 10:56

He's a sweet little lad. If me and his dad ever have a disagreement he will always defend me, even though he worships the ground his dad walks on. Poor little mite just seems really confused.

OP posts:

Magda72 · 27/07/2020 11:24

He will get there though op. It does take time as they just can't process relationship dynamics at that age. We now have it at the other end whereby my kids' half siblings ask me why I take their siblings away on a Sunday evening & insist that their dm is my kids dm & I'm not their (my kids) dm despite everyone explaining I am .

dontdisturbmenow · 27/07/2020 11:46

No advice but really heart warming to read that you've put his emotional distress over your feelings of hurt.

It's hard not to take things personally but recognising his needs will make him even happier that you are in his life.

Iyiyi · 30/07/2020 18:00

DP’s son doesn’t remember him living with them but his daughters do and after 5 years would still prefer their dad to live with them, it’s nothing personal against me, and I do feel for them. Age appropriate discussions about how all families are different etc are the way to go, and lots of reassurance.

Iyiyi · 30/07/2020 18:02

I think the fact that their mum is single while their dad is with me is a big thing too - they naturally feel worried about their mum being alone.

Notcrackersyet · 30/07/2020 21:27

We used to get this a lot right down to the promises to visit me! V
I think Magda’s advice is good.

Notcrackersyet · 30/07/2020 21:30

It’s sad and sweet and as other posters said, he sounds like he’s trying to figure things out, with the new baby coming along.
My DSD has now given up the dream oc get parents reuniting. Her current dream is that her parents can simply be nice to each other, which is sadly out of our hands. At least, in your DSS’s world, everyone is getting on which should help him as he realised his dream is impossible

Notcrackersyet · 31/07/2020 06:26

As he realisesS!
Sorry - so many typos in my posts

Pinkyxx · 26/08/2020 21:27

My DC was the same at a similar age when ex had another baby. It was a confusing time for her, and one which sprung a lot of emotions so good some difficult. Even now years and years later, she is still sad her Mum and Dad don't live together. They say things like this when they're working it through things, just trying to make sense of it all. Relationships are difficult concepts for them to process and it takes time, lots of time. It doesn't mean he's not happy about the baby, but like all children he sees he world though a lens of his life and how it impacts him. It's the only context he has - naturally he's comparing his paradigm to that of the baby. He's just realising it's different, and perhaps given all the positive emotions around the baby he's naturally looking to create what he thinks is the same for himself. It's quite logical if you think about it :-) He'll work though it and just needs acceptance of how he feels and to be reassured his feelings are natural and ok. One of the toughest things my DC experienced when ex had a new baby was the insistence ex, his wife and the baby were now her family in response to her expressing her confusion.. she then didn't understand why Mummy wasn't part of the picture. I think you handled him fabulously showing a lot of love, so well done you. He'll thank you later on for being so considerate. Good luck with the baby!

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