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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Step child complications

18 replies

Lifesapeach20 · 25/07/2020 22:10

Hi everyone looking for some advice..

I currently have 2 dc 6,4 (previous relationship) and pregnant with baby. My partner has dc (4) from previous relationship.

We have been together over 2 years now and baby due any time. The problem we are having is dsc doesn't count us as a family its only her mum and her mums new bf she classes as family. We pretty much have 50/50 custody and have done for some time now.
She doesn't class the house and all the toys in the house as hers her words are no only the stuff at my mums house is mine.
Today we were talking about baby due in 2 weeks and she said baby isn't her brother or sister it's only the baby in her mums belly thats her sibling mums 10 weeks pregnant.
How can we get her more involved and feel happy and excited everything we have tried doesn't work?

OP posts:

ivykaty44 · 25/07/2020 22:12

Does dad have her own bed or area in bedroom etc?

ivykaty44 · 25/07/2020 22:12

Dsd not dad

Original poster

Lifesapeach20 · 25/07/2020 22:18

Yeah she has her own bed she shares a room with one of my dc but has her own wardrobe and bed teddies etc etc

OP posts:

MumandnotMum · 25/07/2020 22:24

I think it’s just somethings that ingrained in them.
My DSC sleep on mattresses on the floor and go there about a week a month and they still call their Mums house home.
In mine they have a room to themselves decorated the way the wanted it, loads of clothes. They have as much, if not more than what my own child has who lives here all the time. But it makes no difference.

netflixismysidehustle · 25/07/2020 22:46

What kind of parent is her Dad?
Does he do more than 50% of the parenting like school pickups, cooking, cleaning etc? (This isn't a dig at you btw I am basically asking if he does as much as his mum)
Does stepdad have any children ?

Original poster

Lifesapeach20 · 25/07/2020 22:59

Step dad is a good dad we have dsc for a week at a time he pretty much does everything at the moment as I'm on bed rest due to pregnancy complications. Dsc starts school this year before that she was in nursery and yeah he done the nursery drops etc etc before covid happened dsc was mainly with gran (on mum's side).

OP posts:

Fijibikini · 25/07/2020 23:02

Her home is where her mother is. Most kids are like that tbh

LovingLola · 25/07/2020 23:04

She’s 4. She lives between 2 homes - one of which has 2 children there already. She has 2 siblings on the way. I’d say she is completely confused.

Magda72 · 26/07/2020 01:28

She's only 4 & yes, is probably very confused & is probably trying to make sense of everything in her little head. Leave her be & just keep doing what you're doing.
However, as pps have said a lot of kids just view mum's house as home. I'm not saying this is right or wrong - it's often just how it is & the worst thing you can do is over compensate as that can actually make kids feel very pressurised. My kids sm initially went very full on trying to make my kids feel more at home but all it did was stress them out. She eventually relaxed & things got much better.

NerdyBird · 26/07/2020 04:18

The stuff about the baby is not a concept you come up with yourself at 4, so I'd say she's repeating the type of thing she's hearing someone say. My youngest dsc said similar about dd when I was pregnant. She had no idea what she was saying and didn't mean it.
If the house you live in isn't the place she's lived all her life then maybe she doesn't feel like it's home, I can sort of see that, but perhaps that feeling is being encouraged somewhere? She's had a lot happen in her life so maybe she is just clinging to some kind of security. I would probably let the 'not home' stuff go, but firmly say both babies will be her sibling and then change the subject. When your baby is here you could get her a present from the baby, and make sure she gets a chance to cuddle baby if she wants to, or help you in some way. But don't force it. Lots of patience may be required! Good luck with your baby.

Aquamarine1029 · 26/07/2020 05:05

She is only FOUR YEARS OLD. Relax and carry on as normal.

Trews2019 · 26/07/2020 05:14

Does mum’s new partner have any children?

AlternativePerspective · 26/07/2020 05:33

Her world is chaos and she has no control over it.

She’s four, has to share her dad’s time with two children who aren’t her siblings and now both her parents are expecting a baby each. I’m not surprised she doesn’t think she belongs. And that’s assuming the mum’s partner doesn’t have any children.

Assuming you’ve been together more than two years given the pregnancy, she’s spent half her life as an only child and then become one of five practically overnight.

Where is your own children’s father? Let me guess, he’s not on the scene so this little girl’s dad is full-time dad to someone else’s children and he’s having a baby who is also going to live with those children full-time.

Sorry but wtf do people never consider the feelings of the existing children when they go on to have more in situations like this...

HogDogKetchup · 26/07/2020 05:34

I think whilst you’re pregnant the baby in your tummy is just an abstract idea to a 4 year old.

I agree she probably thinks of mums house as “home”.

My SS says mummy’s house and daddy’s house.

delilahbucket · 26/07/2020 08:28

For a start off, she's four, and doesn't really understand the ins and outs. Secondly, maybe 50/50 isn't working for her and she feels like she's being torn being two houses all the time and wants one to call home. I've never known 50/50 work for the kids benefit, although no doubt someone will come along and tell me it works for them, except they are the parent not the child saying it works.

Maybe83 · 26/07/2020 16:24

I think you are putting way to much pressure on it to be honest.

My dd had 50/50 pretty much growing up. She never viewed her dads as "home". His was always her dads and mine was home. That's just the way she felt.

Trying to figure out the complexity of half siblings and step siblings at four is alot. She in theory now has two step siblings and two half siblings minimun arriving in her life in a very short space of time. That's assuming her step parent in her mams doesn't also have kids.

When the baby comes just refer to her as big sister etc. It will sink in. Maybe to her she doesnt understand how it's her sibling since the baby is in your belly instead of her mums.

My dd from my marriage is 7 she finds it confusing how her siblings have different mums and dads. At 4 she could not understand that her brother had a different mum and lived in a different house. She use to say why are we leaving him here when we would drop him home! No matter how many times I explained he had a different mummy. Dont even start on how he has siblings she doesnt know. It confuses the life out of her.

Just keep including her and try not to get stressed about it.

AllsortsofAwkward · 27/07/2020 00:58

You barely been together before you got pregnant and now her dm is also expecting a baby, 4 is very young no wonder she is confused i have a 4 year old myself. She doesn't get why two children get to see her df who aren't her siblings. Such a shame people get pregnant quickly without thought and consideration to blending families properly.

GrumpyHoonMain · 27/07/2020 01:05

She’s only 4 so there is a strong chance she is repeating something that has been said to her. It might have been her mum, but equally do you think your 6 yo might have said something?

I say this as my friend’s dd used to make really awful comments at a similar age to her step brother when he came to visit - claiming everything in the house as ‘hers’ even the new sibling - as she was jealous of him.

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