What’s normal to expect from a 20 yr old?

[Freya2345]

I had built up a good relationship with my husbands 3 kids (24, 23 & 20) but am now struggling with my 20 yr old SD and with my marriage. We have been together 6 years and are married with a 3 year old and moved to Canada. DH works at sea for 2 months away then 2 months home.

His 20 yr old came to visit in January for 4 months which was extended to 6 due to the pandemic.. DH was away for the first month and whilst I have previously got on so well with his daughter, this time it was tough. She did not lift a finger in the house, slept all day, never said thank you and expected me to entertain her all the time, cook, drive her around, go on days out and pay for everything, all whilst looking after a 3 year old, a dog, working and with DH away. When I spoke to DH at the time he was not supportive and we had a major falling out.

During her stay she is not working and has been given an allowance each month which she has spent on seeing a personal trainer 3 times a week. She leaves nothing for living off and then expects everything to be paid for. She’s had up to 6 friends round in the evening and contributes nothing and doesn’t say thank you.

Things got better when DH was home and he tried hard to guide her in the right direction and apologised that he hadn’t really believed me how bad she was behaving. There is a huge amount of guilt there as although he did not end his first marriage, he has been away so much for work and moved overseas. SD was 14 when we got together and was his youngest. DH and his ex have over compensated out of guilt which has lead to this huge sense of entitlement. Her mum moved to another town when she was 16 but SD refused to go and so DH rented a house for her to stay and complete A-Levels. I cannot understand why she wasnt made to go with her mum and she’s gone from a mature 14 year old to a very different 20 year old.

More recently her 6 month visa expired and she extended to stay longer and is assuming her allowance will continue.. DH went back to work 7 weeks ago and my relationship with him and SD are at an all time low. She did not ask to stay longer - just tells Daddy this is what she’s doing and I feel I have no say in it although I’m dealing with it on my own. It drives me crazy that DH does not tell her it’s time to get back to work and that 6 months+ off is long enough. I was brought up so differently and worked so hard. I am so frustrated that she helps so little in the house and with my 3 year old when I am so busy and barely get a break. She does now cook once a week and walk the dog on the days I work and offers to help more but my patience has just gone.

We had such a great relationship before this and I’ve done everything to provide a loving, caring, welcoming home after growing up with a step mum that made us unwelcome in our only family home. I now am desperate for her to leave and it shows and things are tense. She is hopefully going next week. I’m not sure how to make it work going forwards. Given my upbringing I want my step kids to always have a home they are welcome in but being solo step parent with DH away isn’t working. I’ve no idea what’s normal in this case.

Your DH and SD are totally in the wrong here.
Her staying is fine but she needs to work, contribute both around the house and financially... or at least be able to support herself.
A 20yr old should not be having an allowance, that’s ridiculous

This is absolutely ridiculous (on her part).

She’s a 20 YO adult who should be self sufficient, contributing and helping out. Of course MN opinion will probably disagree with me.

The sense of entitlement is amazing.

Your OH needs to sort this out. Sadly if he doesn’t the entitlement will only get worse. I wonder how these people function in the outside world? And an allowance at 20 YO - absolutely ridiculous. The girl needs to find some self respect and stand on her own 2 feet.

Op I was in a somewhat similar situation for 5 years. Exdp has 3 boys who were 13, 16 & 19 when we split. There was a lot of issues but one was the fact that exdp who is self employed always worked away from home during the week out of necessity. His kids & exw were used to this but when I came along I was suddenly the reason the kids didn't see him during the week (acc to the exw) & while dp knew she was playing mind games the guilt set in & the boys ended up never being corrected or challenged on anything & both parents ended up pussyfooting around them. I found this incredibly difficult as like you I was not brought up like this & haven't brought my own 3 up like this.
Exdp & I still chat from time to time & when last speaking to him he told me that the now 20 year old has chucked in uni & is sitting on his arse doing nothing "due to Covid" but yet getting an allowance from exdp!?! He says he knows it's wrong but doesn't know what to do with him at this stage.
Your dp & sd are both totally in the wrong here. Her staying indefinitely is one issue but the more immediate issue is her staying without helping out & getting an allowance to do so. It's ridiculous especially as her dad is not around all the time. Re this: like you my exdp's kids often said they would rather live with their dad but as I said to him them living with us was not an option due to his work & that I was not prepared to 'mind' his kids while he was at work just because they found living at their dm's "boring" & again this is one of the reasons we split. They could have lived with dp & he do the 'minding' but then he would have had to drastically change work which was not an option as exw refuses to work so his is the only income.
I honestly think if I hadn't put my foot down I could have ended up looking after his 3 as well as my own while dp worked to pay for his kids & exw - whereas I'd have been working to pay for my kids while also being rp for my 3 AND being a free caretaker for his 3 teens/young adults.
These scenarios truly drive me nuts & if your sd has a good enough relationship with her dm I cannot understand why YOU are expected (by her & her parents) to provide care/supervision. If her dad can't facilitate her then her dm should - end of IMO.
Sm's being expected to become minders/supervisors for sdc when both parents are alive & well is a particular bugbear of mine.
Imo you need to have a good chat with your dp as to your boundaries & expectations regarding his ADULT child.

Hi Op,

I'm 21 and cannot imagine expecting my parents to give me an allowance whilst I sit around all day doing nothing. I've worked full time since I was 18, training to be a lawyer in my free time, and I now live with my DP (and his children when he has them). I maintain our house, look after our dog and help out with the step children.

Your SD is being absolutely ridiculous, and I cannot comprehend her attitude. You should be able to put your foot down. I, personally, would try speaking to her about things first; she may have no idea she is being so rude. If she continues with her entitlement, stop doing anything for her. Don't drive her around, don't cook for her. If she starts to appreciate these things, then perhaps you can reintroduce some of them (e.g. include her in some meals) but she needs to reciprocate xx

I’m confused why a 20 year old is allowed to carry on like this. Even my 16 year old self wouldn’t have been allowed to . She can’t just lie around forever, surely she needs to do her share of housework and get a job or study? They’re basic expectations?

@Magda72 you did well to dodge that, You had a narrow escape. It blows my mind how some women get manipulated into earning all the money and caring for all the children (half of which aren’t actually hers)

If you were going to be in charge, then you should have been empowered to decide on the rules and being able to enforce them. They should have been discussed from the start before your oh left for 2 months.

Saying that a 16 to, having to cope with her parents divorce, and both of them taking off to a nicer life elsewhere will likely feel an element of abandonment and will have cope with a 'I don't give a damn attitude' to cope with emotional upheaval and sadly, it seems to have stuck.

The SC come to see their parent not you. So from now on you simply say unless he takes holiday to be with them all the time during their visit, they cannot stay in your joint home and need to stay in a hotel/Air B&B when he's not there. (They should actually be traveling around as much of Canada as they can when they can't see their parent to make the most of their holiday. So you aren't being unreasonable to mention this. ) Make it clear this is non-negotiable.

Also remember it is unfair for the SC to disrupt the life of their younger half siblings which the SC are doing by doing SFA.

If a SC wants to move in for a short time as for example they are working or studying in Canada then you need to agree house rules before they come, and make it clear if they don't abide by them they will be made to move out.

In regards to the allowance unless you are paying for it then I would leave it to a mutual friend - if you have any - to tell him he's being an idiot.

@EL8888 yes you're very right .
In fairness to exdp once this stuff was (strongly) pointed out to him (both via me & through counselling) he got it. I honestly think a lot of otherwise decent men have notions of women liking & wanting to be caregivers still engraved in their psyche, and women also 'believe' these engrained old ideals to the point where they say yes to caregiving when they really don't want to - society tells us we 'should' want to care but a lot of the time we just don't & nor should we.
In my situation even though exdp 'got' stuff (eventually) I couldn't be certain that he could or would stand his ground when it came to the kids & the pressure/guilt tripping they put in him. He came from a very traditional background & everyone inc. his siblings expected I'd help out because the kids were bored & not having a whale of a time at mums & why on earth should exdp mind his own kids when I was there to both give exw a break & do the minding for him! They all (siblings, kids, exw) assumed I was supported by my exh & could not get their heads around the fact that I worked to support/feed/clothe my kids in conjunction with my exh & that my role did not extend to putting exdp's kids before myself or my kids!

Thank you for the replies - they are so helpful!

I guess the main issues are DH not being firm enough and setting out the rules and SD having lost a sense of reality and knowing she can push the boundaries and having abandonment issues which I really worry about.
Once she has gone which is now next week and non negotiable with me at this stage I need to set out clear rules on my terms for any future stays. Either DH is here or it’s just a few weeks max. It is the sense of powerlessness that is the most frustrating and although I have been very honest with her and DH nothing changes.

DH really did try some tough love but not enough and should have told her she could not extend the visa. Instead I was left to help her do the paperwork and pay for it. He is too permissive and has encouraged her to stay longer without asking me even when I’ve been clear to him I’m at the limits of my tolerance. I feel very convenient to them as I’m sure every step mum feels at times.

I feel very manipulated by her. She’s called me a lot of nasty names behind my back for going to her dad but I had to when nothing changed.
He has told me she’s not getting another allowance but she has decided her next one is coming this week and already tricked me into giving her some money. She has a long list of things she wants to do before leaving that are expensive but I said no and guess I’m finding my voice with her.

Magda72 , great to hear from someone who’s been through similar. I totally understand now why a lot of second families don’t work out.
And mygodi,msoyoung so good to hear your perspective and full respect to you.

With regards to DH I understand he is stuck in the middle and feels helpless to be away for work but it is his job to set the boundaries in place to start with. I have lost some trust in him as I know he has partly blamed me to his daughter and will try marriage counselling when he’s back next to figure a way forward.

I have a 20 year old and whilst legally an adult, she's not financially independent. She's in University and supported by DH and I.

She been back for a while since lockdown and tbh if she was my SD, I'd likely be more irritated with her than I am.

My DD tends to spend most of the day in her room. She doesn't expect me to cook for her, but she doesn't cook for anyone else...except very occasionally.

She doesn't keep her room tidy enough...and I do say this..but I wouldn't say it if she weren't my own DD. It never goes down well from a stepmum.

I certainly wouldn't be waiting on my DD with all the coming you're doing... that's just crazy.

6 months is way too long.

Just to add..."normal" is different for every individual.

I see on threads like this ppl saying they had a job from 14 or 16..... they may well be the case...but it's not what most people of that she are doing.

I'm sure you and your friends don't do thing the same way..some 35 year old women are sensible and responsible...others aren't.

Much depends on character and upbringing... but I wouldn't expect the presence of a 20 year old to create work for me...even if she didn't reduce my work.

How bonded is she with your DC?

No point of worrying more about this if she is going next week, just hold in there, don’t do anything for her and let her go.

Strict restrictions on staying over next time she visits. She either helps, keep her visit short of pays for a hotel.

Hopefully the next few years will help her mature and she will go back to being the lovely person she was before. Her parents have spectacularly failed her across the board. Her dad who already works away for long periods moving so far, having another family and then the pair of them actually allowing a 16 year old to live without either parent. It's a wonder she actually completed her A Levels. I imagine she feels very untethered from everything.

She has missed out on years of actual parenting by her mum and dad. 14 year olds still need their parents, she is going to have a rough few years now adapting to the fact that she is an adult and responsible for herself and her behaviour.

I wouldn't ever let your husband use you in this way again, he's just passing on his responsibilities and leaving you in an awful situation. Maybe he could spend a decent portion of his next few leaves with her in her own environment, see how she is coping and what guidance and support he could give to help her become more functioning as an adult. He probably sees her time in Canada as holiday, he needs to see how she actually lives.

She’s 20, she gets no allowance from now on.

Don’t pay for days out.

She only comes when your DH is there.

IMO it comes down to her being spoiled and DH not parenting, not how long she stays or her age alone. At 20 she is an adult and should pull her own weight, there's no discussion about that. If she was studying full-time and otherwise helping out around the house/with dog (without you nagging), bonding with DC and was polite, not relying on you to chauffeur her around I wouldn't mind helping her financially and having her around. Even if she was not working or studying due to virus but she was independent, respectful and helpful ie helping with cooking, keeping her room tidy, playing with dog and DC and getting on well with you, I wouldn't mind her staying for a longer period, but wouldn't pay an allowance. For that she would have to get a part-time job. If she couldn't get paid work due to virus and she had really tried, then I might say she could do EXTRA around the house/with DC or volunteer elsewhere to get an allowance until pandemic is over. There are lots of ways that would be fair if she genuinely wanted to and she was APPLYING HERSELF, not because she is an entitled spoiled brat who believes you're there to clean up after her and she deserves an allowance for 0 contribution. DH should step up and be more firm, not leaving you take all the responsibility and then when you complain it depicts you as the bad stepmum who doesnt want her around, which is not fair. Have a think how you would like things to be, what should SD help with, how long can she stay, etc. Next time DH comes home, lay down the rules. He should then speak to SD about this. If he isn't understanding and willing to do that, then I would reconsider the relationship.