Not quite a SM but might become one. Advice please !

[Billi77]

I am a single openly gay mother to 3yo DD, DP left husband and came out 2 years ago, but not to her DC, 6 and 10. We’ve Been together about 9 months and she’s met my DD as we see each other when it’s her ex’s turn. He knows about us.
Things are starting to get serious between us and we are discussing how she could come out to her kids, I want it all to be on her terms and am happy to wait till she and they are ready.
Sometimes it is hard not to indulge in feelings of imbalance, however irrational they might me, given she’s already forming a relationship with my DD, etc. And the fact that I’m a woman may be making her feel an element of discomfort, which then brings about feelings of shame. This is a concern and not necessarily true.
I’d like to know if anyone has any advice or similar experience.

I don't have direct experience of this but I think your DP is overthinking this. kids are not "naturally" homophobic - if they develop homophobia that's something they are taught. they don't need to know all the detail of their parents sex lives. if you and DP were a heterosexual couple then the first meetings would be with the two families having a nice day out together and you would be introduced as DPs friend without being described as a partner or potential future step parent, but a low pressure opportunity to have fun and make new friends. then later on once the kids know each other and the other adult better, the deeper relationship is then introduced to the children in an age-appropriate way. there's no need for that structure to be different just because the relationship is a same-sex one.

I would honestly put the breaks on things with regards to your dd. Her children are older so more able to understand, if they are still in the dark it will create a real imbalance if they meet you and see that your DD already has a connection to their mum.

Especially given the age of your daughter as they tend to be more physically affectionate. I would try and keep things more equal between the children.

So a friend of mine with kids around that age left her husband as she realised she was gay. The kids were very affected by the family breakup but couldn’t give a stuff that their mum is gay.

@Notcrackersyet

So a friend of mine with kids around that age left her husband as she realised she was gay. The kids were very affected by the family breakup but couldn’t give a stuff that their mum is gay.

That’s reassuring. I don’t imagine they would as they sound lovely. I suppose it’s also a question of realistic timelines: when it’s too late or too early to introduce us. We’d probably introduce me as a friend. I know from experience that overthinking coming out To people usually makes things much harder for everyone.