Becoming a young 'step mum'

[hannah41]

Hello,

I am looking for some advice and general help so starting here I thought could be a good place.

I am 26 and my partner is 45, we have a really good relationship we are very strong and I am very much older than my years and our relationship has always worked.

(Please do not judge) Due to my own personal circumstances I made the decision not to have children and will not be having them. My partner has 3 children and the youngest is a 11 year old girl, I generally struggle with it and being honest I do not know how to act.

In my opinion she is very young for her age, she calls my partner Daddy which again please don't shoot me for but I believe this to be very young behavior. She cannot sit still or be quiet for any length of time, she bores easily and this is something I personally struggle with also but do not mind sitting watching a film etc to put myself in a relaxed mood. She expects us to do something with us every time we have her which is not financially viable all of the time.

I'd really appreciate just any advice and what I can do, how can I get myself into this? Sorry for the essay!

She cannot sit still or be quiet for any length of time, she bores easily and this is something I personally struggle with also but do not mind sitting watching a film etc to put myself in a relaxed mood. She expects us to do something with us every time we have her which is not financially viable all of the time.

She sounds like a normal 11 year old.

How much experience have you actually had with children? By the time I was your age I was already an aunt, helped run playschemes for children, volunteered with children and babysat other children.

The cheapest thing you can do with her is make a simple packed lunch and drag her out to the local large park. If there is a playground there get her to play in it for a bit as she is in the final couple of years where she will be allowed to get away with using one.

Doing things with her needn’t be expensive. Picnic in the park, long walk, board games, baking.
But really she is only 11 and if it’s bothering you now then I think you’ve got a long road ahead.

If your adamant you don't want kids why would you then get with a man who has three and take on someones else's children? It sounds like you would be better off with someone who doesn't have or want children.

You’re not older than you actually are OP!!
That’s just nuts.
You may be boring and stuck in your ways/ financially secure/10 years more intelligent than your age suggests /high flying/ worldlywise/ anything else you believe makes you act older, but you’re just the age you are.
Simple. And the age you are probably means you’re too immature to be parenting teens. You sound clueless in that respect.
Perhaps you’re a bit jealous of the little one? Because you’re competing for the attention of the ‘daddy figure’?

I cannot imagine why her calling him Daddy grates on you. Is this what you call him in bed?

My kids call me mama, dp calls just elderly mother mummy - so what, it's a term I'd endearment.

She wants attention when she is with you is what you are saying, this doesn't have to cost money, go hiking, go to the park, bake cookies, geocaching is fun, free local museums etc.

Stepmum stuff aside- I don't know as I've not been there.

I am however, in a big age gap relationship. A long way down the line.
Seriously, just look at it from the outside for a minute. What's it going to be like when you're barely into your forties and he's 60? You'll be so far apart in emotional terms and physically too.
Even now, you're a carefree girl who's having to take on a whole (unwanted by you, clearly!) ready made family. Leave now before you get bogged down by it all. Your future self will thank you.

I have an 11 year old, her behaviour is completely normal and of the things that irritate you are the worst of her behaviour then you are onto a good thing.

This really might not be the relationship for you.

I'm 47 and still call my dad daddy. As does my older siblings who are in their 50s. There's nothing with that.

Very odd post!

Both my girls 11 and 13 still say mummy and daddy.

You are really really not old beyond your years. Why any young woman in her twenties would get into a relationship like this is beyond me I would have run a mile at your age! Caring for other people’s kids in my prime of life? No thanks.

She sounds like an 11 year old. The attention span, boredom, desire to do things with her father, and calling him daddy, are all very normal.

While you may love your DP, it seems you do not love the package that comes with him. As a single parent, anyone who thought about my children as you do you partners, wouldn't cross the threshold of my home. You seem to view her (from this at least) as an annoyance. A thing to be got through, so you can maintain your relationship. If this is the case, then just leave him. As swiftly as is practical.

Your desire to have a happy relationship with your partner is absolutely not more important than a child growing up feeling loved, secure and not resented by her 'family'. You either get the fuck over yourself or leave. I am thankful every day that my ex husband's girlfriend seems to genuinely care for my children. The damage that resentful family can cause is enormous, as I, and the personality disorder caused by my upbringing, can testify.

OP how old are the other kids, are they nearer your age?

What are you looking for OP? Step parents get the shit end of the stick on here.

Do you want some advice on activities? 11 year olds are fairly easy to entertain, you could do some diamond painting together, that's pretty popular at the minute.

My step children are extremely shy and a little older than yours but they still enjoy watching a film together, baking etc. I do have my own children so I guess I'm a little bit more experienced which makes it easier. Just talk to her, ask her what she likes to do.

an 11 yr old who calls her father Daddy and expects to do stuff with him is completely normal.

If you can't see that, you're not as mature as you think.

You're expecting an 11 year old girl to act like an adult.

What do you actually want to happen OP? Her to change her totally normally 11yo behaviour?

OP,
It is absolutely valid choice not to have children, but why would you burden yourself with someone else's three children?! Being a step parent has lots of downsides similar to what parents normally complain about(expensive, no time for themselves etc) and absolutely no upsides. At the best case scenario you will be liked(or tolerated), but would be highly unusual for them to love you.
11 yo who is childish in your opinion(normal in mine) might be a little frustrating.. It will get so much worse and the kids get older..
Is this older gentleman really worth it?? Is it worth wasting at least another 10 years of your life tolerating this?

You feel that you're very much older than your years, yet you struggle with the fact that an 11 y/o child uses 'Daddy'?

Your relationship has 'always worked' yet you struggle with his children and in particular his 11 y/o?

Righto.

You’re 26. Why would you get entangled with some guy who’s almost 50 with three kids?

Talk about wasting your young years. You’ll be spoon feeding him before you’re 50.

You sound jealous of his daughter, he will always choose his kids before you

Honestly, you're the one who sounds jealous if anyone, coming out with statements like this. She didn't say anything about him choosing the kids before that, there's absolutely no need to bring in that generic vitriol about hierarchy.

It's really frustrating having to bite your tongue and watch a child that is in your life being raised in ways you disagree with OP, but that really does come with the territory of becoming a step parent and you have to have the patience for it. With that in mind, I think your feelings are natural, but if this is something you struggle with, then it's going to be a very stressful relationship for you. I do think that you can reasonably come to a joint decision with your partner about how much you can afford to spend when they visit, and if you can't afford to take them out every time then you can't afford it. But even if you stay in, they will need entertaining. Even if you and your partner were fully in agreement about how much attention they "should" require at their age, and modelled your response to them accordingly, in all honesty you will still find that them living with a different parent with different expectations (their mum) for a majority of the time, will make it an uphill struggle to change their expectations. It is likely that they will always require more constant entertainment than you want to give, and will behave accordingly. This is something I definitely find with my step son.

I think you need to be able to cope with the nature of your step children as they are for this relationship to ever be rewarding for you. You are signing up for a lifetime of frustration otherwise, and should really consider whether this life is right for you. If you don't want kids, you would probably be better off with someone that also doesn't want any and doesn't already have any. With this man, you will be getting the frustrating parts of parenting, but not the rewarding parts.

Do you have a dad of your own?

Do you have a dad of your own?

Also meant to add, please bear in mind that this little girl (and his other kids) could end up living with him, full time, in an instant. That's obviously not something you're prepared to take on, so time for some serious consideration.

OP, your post doesn't make you sound great, but I'm going to take the stance that you didn't mean to come across in the way you did, and try to give you some support.

I am 21. My fiance is 19 years older than me. He has two children, one under ten and one teenager. I certainly did not imagine getting into this role, but it has been a truly wonderful. I have days when I struggle because, as other PP's have said, it is my DP's decision on how to parent, and I have to agree to it. If something is particularly niggling at me, I will speak to my DP privately about it. Often, he will agree with me and he will be the one to implement a change, but if he doesn't agree with me then I have to accept that is his decision.

How long did you date your DP before you met the children? My DP didn't let me meet his children until we had been together for a year, because he wanted to make sure that I was fit into their family. That meant that, for a year, I could only see him around his children. Which was not that often. But I stuck with it, because we fit so well together. Now I get to see him more, but this means children will be there. Can it be frustrating when you want to sit and have coffee with your DP, but there is a child wanting to be played with? Of course. But it isn't your responsibility to abandon your coffee to go and play with them. You can sit, enjoy your coffee and then go and join them. Or not! You are not their parent. However, you cannot be mad at your DP for being a good dad and going to entertain them.

I personally cannot see anything wrong with an 11-year-old calling their DF 'Daddy'. I still call my DM 'Mummy'! 11 is young, they are probably not even at secondary school yet. Things will change, school will change them. I called my DM 'Mum' during secondary school, but went back to Mummy after, because that is what I prefer. It shouldn't bother you xx

This guy must think he's won the jackpot! A 26 year old gf who now thinks she's 'step mum' to his 11 year old and seems happy to take on his role despite not wanting children herself. You're not mature beyond your years. Your exactly where I was at that age whilst I tried to prove how mature I was by parenting someone else's child and getting hugely over involved. Take a massive step back. This is not your issue. He should be doing something with her every visit even if its simple little thoughtful things. Your expectations of him seems so low that you focus on this poor child with only a cursory mention to your boyfriend.

My 13 year old calls me mummy 🤷‍♀️ what's the problem? I am his mummy 🤯
You are jealous of a little girl, that doesnt sound mature at all!