Becoming a young 'step mum'

[hannah41]

Hello,

I am looking for some advice and general help so starting here I thought could be a good place.

I am 26 and my partner is 45, we have a really good relationship we are very strong and I am very much older than my years and our relationship has always worked.

(Please do not judge) Due to my own personal circumstances I made the decision not to have children and will not be having them. My partner has 3 children and the youngest is a 11 year old girl, I generally struggle with it and being honest I do not know how to act.

In my opinion she is very young for her age, she calls my partner Daddy which again please don't shoot me for but I believe this to be very young behavior. She cannot sit still or be quiet for any length of time, she bores easily and this is something I personally struggle with also but do not mind sitting watching a film etc to put myself in a relaxed mood. She expects us to do something with us every time we have her which is not financially viable all of the time.

I'd really appreciate just any advice and what I can do, how can I get myself into this? Sorry for the essay!

None of your concern what he does with his kids and you are not their step mum at all. You sound jealous of his daughter, he will always choose his kids before you OP, so stop creating issues where there isn't any.

How long have you been together?

I know fully grown men and women who still call their parents mummy & daddy!
26 isn’t young to be a step-mother (although you’re not a step-mother, you’re daddy’s girlfriend!)
How long have you been together? Why are you interfering in their relationship? I would expect her father to do something with her every time she stays there too.

@Crumpets111 Okay, thanks for that - I do understand he will choose his children, I wouldn't expect anything less. I am not jealous at all, I just genuinely struggle with it.

What do you struggle with? Her being 11?

I would think very long and hard about whether this relationship is really for you OP.

What do you mean "do something with us" - is that like a day trip to a theme park or baking cakes and watching a movie together? Some people never stop saying daddy!

My 11.5 yr old calls her Ddad Daddy. I suspect it will stop when she starts at secondary on Sept but who knows.

11 is still very young.

Can you do cheap or free things like going out for bike ride/walk/picnic while the weather's good?

Honestly if you dont want children I don't understand why you would date someone with 3 kids, the youngest of which is only 15 years younger than you.

As for her behaviour I cannot stress enough about how it is none of your business. She isn't your daughter, it's up to your partner to be her parent. There's absolutely no problem with her calling him daddy (that's who he is). You obviously don't know much about children and you really shouldn't be trying to make her grow up.

My 11 year old calls me mummy - she's 11! She's still a child!
I'd say leave it up to your partner as they're his kids, not yours. Just be nice 🤷🏼‍♀️ Be a friend to them. No need to parent them as they have parents already.

I don’t really see any issues with your boyfriends daughters behaviour from what you’ve written. You don’t sound like you really want to be a ‘step mum’ which is fine, but don’t take your frustration out on the child.

I think you should find a partner that has no kids. You're being negative about a child - I have an 11 year old who calls us mummy and daddy, that's fine, kids don't want to just sit and do nothing, perhaps engage more with her or just let your boyfriend take them out if you are bored by it all

Do they live with him or visit only? If they visit then perhaps let him have some alone time with them so they don't feel you're a barrier to their dad, your negative views will be picked up upon by the kids, possibly not the dad, but you'll be a barrier which is unfair to them

Above everything if you can't hack your partner having children, just find another man, his kids )should) come first to him and you can't get in the way of that

Just follow your DP's lead! Presumably he has ideas what to do with her? And pays for them? Or are all your finances shared? (If so, why?)

I'm 26 and I still call my dad "daddy", usually when I want something though I think the internet has made it into a dirty word.

The things that irritate you so much are an 11 year old doing the normal things an 11 year old does.

I don't think you sound much older than your years at all, and although your relationship with him is working, it doesn't sound like your relationship with his children ever will.

You need a serious think about where this will go. If you're this resentful if his child at this stage I would think your relationship will go any place worth being tbh.

I'm 50 and still call my mother "Mummy", mainly because she has resolutely refused to answer to "Mum" all our lives. However, you seem to be asking how to entertain the 11 year old cheaply. Baking, board games, jigsaw puzzles, go to the library and get some books out, jewellery making, gardening? Find out what her interests are. You say that going out isn't financially viable but walks and parks are free, bike rides, anything like that.

My 15 and 13 year olds still call me Mummy.

My ex was only 14 years older than ds1. Ultimately the relationship didn't work and I think that was as part of it. I just wish he had decided that much sooner. Not 2.5 years in.

You need to think long and hard about if this relationship is for you because his children will always be around. (Well they should always be around. Sadly some men are shit) How often do you have her? My DC like to do things with their Dad. Even a walk in the park or helping him tinker with his bike. Sadly for them their 'D'SM didn't like that and as a result they have hardly any relationship with him or their step/half siblings.

I love these posts. Young people claiming to be mature beyond their girls and then writing posts showing them to be the complete opposite. I'm the same age as you OP. You sound very immature. If you don't want children then find a partner who had no children and also doesn't want any. Problem solved.

Honestly your post suggests you might not be ready to be a ‘step mum’ just yet. If you have misgivings it’s best to get out now while you are young.

Have you had any experience with children prior?

With regards to calling her dad “daddy” maybe that’s what she finds comforting. I wouldn’t really zone in on that.

I also don’t see a problem with the fact she likes to be active. That’s just children, some like to chill, others don’t. You’re going to have to learn to embrace it, all of it.

@MeadowHay

I love these posts. Young people claiming to be mature beyond their girls and then writing posts showing them to be the complete opposite. I'm the same age as you OP. You sound very immature. If you don't want children then find a partner who had no children and also doesn't want any. Problem solved.

Yeah agree with this.

You’ve just described a very typical 11 year old.

I hope that the 11 doesn’t feel your irritation of her

I don’t have children and my DH has 4, the youngest 2 were 9 and 10 when we moved in together. If I could give one bit of advice it would be don’t jump in to the ‘mum’ role and by that I mean by doing things that may come naturally to you-asking for washing to be brought down, checking beds have been made, making sure they have everything for school/ activities etc. Try and just be the friend, chat, watch films together, go for walks. Don’t detach but let your DP do the parenting and just be there to support him. Being a stepparent is an incredibly difficult and often thankless role where you are often treading a fine line. And never pass a comment on the children’s behaviour or any view and opinion to the DM! Good luck, it’s not easy.

How long have you been together?

She cannot sit still or be quiet for any length of time, she bores easily and this is something I personally struggle with also but do not mind sitting watching a film etc to put myself in a relaxed mood.

Congratulations on being better behaved than an 11 year old?

I was in a relationship with roughly same age gap. I was about your age and child was about 11 when I realised I didnt want this. I'd missed out on my weekends as a young person because of spending "family time" with someone else's daughter.
I really grew to resent it. And I left.
My ex as a weekend dad was also expected to be taking her out and entertaining her - she never accepted simply slotting into a home life. That annoyed me too!
It's many years ago and I'm married with 2 children of my own. But I often wish I'd left earlier.
Just my thoughts...