Manipulative ex is destroying my marriage

[Asteria36]

I have posted off and on over the years about the dreadful situation with dhs ex.
His children have lived with us for over 4 years and I am the primary carer. I have put my life on hold to look after his children and it is beginning to feel like more of a burden than a pleasure.
The ex has always caused problems - refused Christmas access when we got engaged, tried to disrupt wedding etc. 7 years later and she is still behaving like a psychopath.
She manipulated and bullied my husband, directly and via the children, into letting her have way more access than the contact arrangement specifies. Since lockdown we have been trialing 60/40 and the woman has been putting it to good use. Instead of home schooling like the rest of the country, she literally cramms them with sugar and let's them sit in their xbox/tablets for entire days and through the night. Basically a tween/teen dream! Whilst I am intensively helping two children with extra learning needs cram 5 days of work into 3 days. Yes, that is over now, but the undermining and damage has been done. She has always openly been very cruel and critical about me to the children and anyone else that will listen, including my husband. Now that they are teenagers the dsd are really joining in and dsd is especially good at shit stirring - it is the only way she gets any attention from her mother. During early lockdown she gave dsd the silent treatment, until she was in tears, and then screamed at dsd about how much she hates me and that I've ruined her life. This was because dsd spoke to me on the phone, now we have no communications at all when they are away. I havent spoken to her for nearly 2 years and she divorced dh years before he met me. The fact that her parents paid our legal fees to get residency probably speaks more than anything else I could say.
Anyway, now the children (12 and 14) are increasingly rude and often ignore me for hours after they return from visits, I know it is tough for them, they are being bullied into making a choice between their biological mother or their stepmother. I don't want them to make that choice, but I also don't want to be lifting with people whom despise me. It's not a popularity contest, but she is the Queen of game playing and she has got to win at any cost. I am stressed and upset by it all and I don't really know what to do. My own child (if you can call the giant that!) is going off to uni in two years and I don't know if I want to be here without him. DH can't see what is going on, is more concerned about keeping the peace with his ex, just gets so angry with me when I get frustrated at the rudeness and ultimately is hoping that if he ignores this it will go away.
How the fuck do I deal with this situation?

For context, I am known as The Grotesque when DHs ex is feeling polite and fat bitch when she isn't (I'm 2.5 stone lighter btw).

DSD chose to live with us at the start of lockdown. Her mum lives 200 miles away and has not made a single request to see 11 yo since. DSD and says she wishes I was her real mum. She will be staying permanently with us.

Anyway, earlier on in my relationship, I had this.

I got round it by telling DSD that I really enjoyed hearing what her mum thought of me. I laughed each and every time and eventually DSD realised just how ridiculous her mum was being. Eventually (when staying with us) she told her mum that I found it funny and that I really enjoyed it. That took the wind out of her mums sails and as she would rather die than give me entertainment, it stopped.

I wish I had your resolve! The trouble is that the ex then relays all the dreadful things she has goaded the dsc into saying about me to my husband. She does it in a nicey nicey concerned way, most of the time dh doesn't even respond, but it is definitely eroding our relationship. Last night I was cross because they came back from 2 nights away and were vile to me, he backed them against me. If my son spoke to him like that there would be hell. I don't feel valued beyond my childcare abilities and even that is being constantly criticised by dh now. 12 and 14 is old enough to have some common decency, but they are comfortable being openly rude in front of him when he rarely pulls them up on it and supports me

As the old MN adage goes, you have a DH problem. I would explain to him that it's not acceptable to support the kids over you. If it continues, you will begin to openly undermine him in exactly the same way with your son.

If this doesn't work, plan B is to refuse to engage with any of them until they are polite.

I feel your pain when it comes to this behaviour.

I have 2 DSC & the mum is poison. How anyone can do this to their own children so they feel conflicted into having basic manners & respect is beyond me.

I’m refereed to as ‘her’ by the EW & 15 YO DSD. Fortunately the DSS hasn’t been bullied into her foul manipulation.

What I would say is (and I’m no expert & it’s really hard) is I never slag their mum off (as difficult as it is) and I never rise to her insults (as it’s what she wants).

I’ve also started to assert myself more (I’ve had 6 years of one word answers - from the DSD) and when she can’t be bothered speaking to me (which is all the time as she’s never actually had a conversation with me) I respond with ‘did you mean to be so rude’ ‘I wasn’t expecting an essay but I can wait for an answer’.

It’s hard especially when you are in your own home, and you have done absolutely nothing wrong.

My OH is supportive and we always believed the kids would make their own minds up when they were old enough.

Sadly my DSD’s self esteem is so low (brought on I believe my her controlling poisonous mother) I don’t think she will ever grow out of it.

Stay strong x

I’m afraid I agree it’s a DH problem. He’s the one facilitating her interference. He’s putting you last. You don’t have to stay and put up with this.

Given the toxic dynamic it’s not like they’re going to swan off to uni or get jobs and cease to be cruel, dramatic and damaged anytime soon. You can walk away, anytime. I would.

The leave option is on the table, but my own son has 2 more years before uni and I cannot afford to stay in the area, so he would have to move away from all his friends. I also have a huge family who are really involved (as you can be from 300+ miles away - hence the big move if I left the marital home) with the dsc - they would ultimately be losing out on more than just a stepmother. Given the shit they have already been through, although leaving seems easier for me, I would never forgive myself for abandoning them and making their attachment disorders and anxieties worse.
I really need a more robust solution and some help with my mental health/emotional resilience along the way

@Asteria36

I have no advice as I’m currently in the middle of my own DH/DSD/Ex shitstorm and haven’t a clue how we got here or how to fix it.
Just wanted to say I think you are an amazing person for looking after those kids all these years and for wanting to stick by them even though they are horrors at times.
With everything that’s gone on recently I feel like I would quite happily never see my DSDs face again. You are a much better woman than I am

And also your DH is an idiot if he doesn’t value you and how lucky he is to have you

@Giespeace
Thank you. I must admit I have a whole new appreciation for my own stepmother. I actually spoke to her today about it and she was really supportive. She adores dh and the dsc, but was very sad about the situation. My mother was tricky, but never went as far as emotionally bullying and blackmailing my brother and I into hating my stepmother.
On the other side of divorced/blended families: my brother and his wife are really good friends with her ex and his new partner. They do Christmas and birthdays together and latterly, since having more babies with their new partners, get the little ones together for playdates. The two families have 5 children between them and they are all growing up in an extended family that puts them first. That is how it should be!

Asteria I say this with the most well meaning of intentions, no one gets prizes or gratitude for staying with an unsupportive partner "for the kids".

It's been 7 years and things have gotten worse not better. Your partner is showing you disrespect by letting others disrespect you, basically supporting the idea to them that your worth is low and to be honest it doesn't sound like any of them are bothered about changing it because youve been dealing with it for years already, why change now? You've even pretty much said you need to build more resilience to continue dealing with the same situation.

How are you going to feel after another 7 years of this? Resentful? Worn down? Feeling that instead of enjoying 14 years of your life it was an everlasting battle? When the kids are old enough for uni etc are you still going to want to stick with it for the kids who are well adults? When you're no longer the primary childcare what is your role going to be in the family and marriage?

I would consider initiating divorce but not leaving the marital home.

I would hope it would give H the kick up the backside to change rather than lose you. If it doesn't then at least you can proceed with the divorce and move on when DS goes on to college.

This does sit on your H shoulders he is letting the DSC treat you like shit unchallenged he is letting his ex emotionally abuse his DC

@RandomMess it's not a matter of dh letting his ex abuse anyone. The woman is relentless, she meets any defence against her with flat lies and then changes direction. Dh has taken is somewhat lacklustre approach because she doubles the abuse. It's all too low-level narcissistic/emotional abuse. The dsc will cry on us about how much they resent and mistrust their mother, but in another breath will defend her to the death and become enraged at the prospect their visitation being adjusted. On days when they are with us, dsd is bombarded with messages from her mother, but when they are with their mother they are discouraged from communicating with us. Dss worked himself up into such a rage when his sister and mother were being bitchy about me that he kicked and broke a bin. Dsd has dropped literally every friend and interest she has inside and outside of school because her mother has sneered at it - usually because it is in some way linked to me and the ex literally has nothing in her life beyond work, shopping and manipulation.
I love Dh, yes it is driving a massive wedge between us, but how do we get rid of that wedge without risking putting it between him and his children? Ideally we need the monstrous ex at the other side of the wedge!

You can't go on the way you have been. You and your DH and your DSC need counselling.
And you need to stop putting your life on hold to look after them.
I have 2 DSC who I love dearly but the younger ones mother is toxic and has caused nothing but issues for everyone involved. If my DH didn't support me and back me up I would leave I'm not here to be treated poorly.

Thankfully they have all had/are having counseling, as have I. I have spoken to dh and made it very clear that I love him but his support of me has to be absolute, any crack in that will be weaponised by her. He knows that when my son leaves for college I will be torn enough as it is (he plans to return to the NE where all our family are), but that we need to be solid enough to withstand that. I also need to be careful to remove my emotional reaction to her abuse from my response to the situation in my own home.
This woman abused dh and the dsc for over a decade before I even met him, she is a toxic creature. She is only ever motivated by winning at the expense of others, she is jealous and insecure, plays the children off each other and has the archetypal golden child/scapegoat setup. She is also a manipulative liar, so no amount of diagnosis or reasoning or even empathy for how truly shitty her world is, will ever change her behaviour. We have been to court twice, the whole process left dh and I traumatised by the vile lies, she accused us both of exactly the emotional abuse that she was inflicting. Dsd is entirely in her thrall/desperate to be loved/desperate to do whatever it takes to get her mothers attention, dss is still desperately wanting her to be the mother he wants.
I'm going to take the advice to minimise my responses to any tales that make their way home, when the children complain to me about monstrous things that she says or does, I will just be kind but clear that I have no control over her behaviour or actions - even the ones where she screams at the children about how much she hates me!

She is petty and mean and alone, her children will soon be grown up and able to see her for what she is.

Get counselling for all of you. The kids risk being permanently damaged.
If your husband has residency he needs to manage contact rather than being passive to avoid grief. He needs to make the tough decisions that come with being a parent.
Assert boundaries for communication and respect when the children are interacting with you
Stop sacrifices
Start looking to get a better safety net by way of a job