Is it over?

[SteppingUp2017]

I’m reaching the end of my patience and not sure where to turn.

DSS, 14, has spent a lot of time with us over lockdown, and recently been with us full time as his mum moved house to a new town and he doesn’t like it.
Our relationship has had its ups and downs but for the past few months it’s mostly down. He barely responds when I speak to him (sometimes actually sneers at me...I never heard anyone audibly sneer at someone outside of a cartoon).
My partner and I have lived together for 3 years now, he broke up with his son’s mother 13 years ago, and I have been his first serious relationship. Even though I had absolute nothing to do with the break up, we’d never even met, she has made her feelings clear to DSS and has been putting unnecessary strain on DSS and our relationship. To the point where my partner took her to court this year (she would chuck DSS out of her place, would stop him from coming here, tell DSS he’s not allowed to see friends when he’s with us).

The court sided with my partner, which was great. She can no longer dictate the schedule so DSS has been choosing where he stays. But recently, as I say, this has been mostly with us. And he hates me, he truly does. I know it’s not personal, I know his mum has had a lot to do with it. But living with someone 24/7 regardless of their age who is so disdainful is starting to wear me down.

My partner and I have been arguing as a consequence. But arguments that used to be once every 3 months are now happening every week. One thing I mentioned was that when DSS is here we don’t act like we’re in a relationship, my partner goes in to dad mode and that’s it. No niceties with me, barely a hand on the shoulder. It makes me wonder what I’m doing this all for, and struggle to insert myself when it doesn’t even feel like there’s a role for me to play. Partner says he understands that and agrees, but that was 2 weeks ago and he’s done nothing to change. And yesterday we had another argument and I just don’t know....

Sorry lots here. Felt like I needed to vent. Any step parents felt like this? Should I get over it? Is it worth it?

Being with someone who has older children is not easy, your prob get a roasting on here as they always side with the kids. I cant give advice as I dont have any. I'm in a similar situation only I was used and spent lots of money as my husband hid the fact his daughter (22) doesnt like me, so I put lots of effort in and spent a fortune for her to slag me off to everyone and I feel like they were all laughing behind my back. I would speak up now and leave if it doesnt change because it doesnt get easier.

That is shit OP. It appears your partner thinks, by showing you affection, he’d be somehow betraying his son in some warped display of loyalty towards him. So in effect he’s condoning and reinforcing his behaviour and contempt of you. It’s not healthy at all and you deserve better. Sounds like you’ve already made it clear how you feel and nothings changed so it’s time for you to seriously consider your future and options

I'd get out. No one needs to be unloved and disrespected like this, by bother their partner and a 14 year old who you are probably paying to partially support and doing housework for. Fuck that.

@tictac86 This sounds familiar! I’ve sort of eased up on this. I still spoil him rotten at birthdays/Christmas...it’s just an easy way to show him I care and no matter how he behaves towards me I’m gonna stick around. But yeah, the in-between little treats I’ve stopped. Felt like I was ignoring the bigger issue! (Also yes, I stopped posting on here because it didn’t feel like a safe space at one point...obviously I’m not an evil step mother out to drive the kid away...that doesn’t mean I can’t complain that it gets hard, especially when I have no parenting experience!)

@Vodkacranberryplease@MellowBird85
Honestly, to both of you when people on the outside say stuff like this it makes me feel so much better, so thank you. You start to think it’s just you, and that everyone else finds this easy - but knowing what I’m going through is just a bit...shit...gives me more confidence to deal with it? Maybe I’ve just gone mad! I hear you though. I’m gonna try and talk to DP again this weekend (DSS is spending a couple of days with his mum) but yeah...this doesn’t have to be the way.

OP,
14yo is not a small child, he knows exactly what he is doing.. Sneering audibly? Under no circumstances it should be tolerated. The fact that his father allows that is a clear sign he doesn't respect you.
OP, I would seriously reconsider your future with this man. Life is too short. If you are unhappy in your own home every day that's not the right situation. He is not your son, you absolutely don't have to tolerate this.

The problem is with your partner. There is no way on this planet I would allow my children to be so disrespectful to another adult in or out of the house.
Do you feel able to challenge him yourself about his behaviour? Where do you stand in terms of the ownership of the home?

I think you need to have a good chat with your OH, does he really want to raise a child with so few manners and such little respect? Does her have such little regard for you that he is ok with his spawn treating you this way?

If the answer to any of that is yes then leave or even better they can leave you will be much better off without such a rubbish OH and his baggage

I think you should run for the hills. Your partner does not give you the support you need, and that will never change, and the resentment will start to eat you alive. Get out before it does.

I think before you LTB you need to make this kid and his disloyal father a bit less comfortable. You've done the 'talking' like 99.9% of women, thinking if only you communicate everything will be ok. But your DP knows perfectly well how you feel - he just wants things to be easier for himself and you are not important to him currently.

So you need to stop the talking and start the doing. As both are no doubt keen to tell you, you are not his mum. So why the fuck are you doing her job?

You have to stop. No more cooking for them or cleaning up after him or spending money on him. Start to go out with friends when he's around. Do your own thing. No going to the doctors or dentists or doing homework or trying to have a relationship.

All you are doing is making him worse. So you simply say - 'I'm not your mum, ask your dad' when asked for anything. Stop trying to please them both because it's not working. Currently they are taking you for granted and it's having the opposite effect from the one you want.

When you offer to do things for people all the time they don't love or appreciate you. They actually start to dislike you instead. How about seeing your own friends and having some fun? Instead of being forced into playing mummy and chief fun killer by an ungrateful father and son?

I agree with @Vodkacranberryplease that you need to detach. The problem here is that your partner isn’t showing the love or respect to you that he should, by stopping his 14 year old son treating you like shit. I would walk away, not because of the son but because of your partners lack of care or support towards you.

Unfortunately things won't change because they don't need to...you're staying and that's allowing it to continue. This is not a finger wag at you, far from it but actions here speak louder than words. It's sad to think that you dss is being role modelled that its ok to treat you this way. Its not. It won't change any time soon unless something drastic happens....

I was in a similar situation when my dss was a little younger. I finally gave up and asked my then dp to leave. That had a huge knock on effect and things improved massively. I was genuinely ready to end our relationship though which he knew. Im sorry you're in this situation. Its indescribably hard x

I agree with everything vodkacranberry said that you need to detach and do your own thing, and they are spot on in that there's only so many times you can have the same conversation. Actions speak louder than words and it sounds like the dss and husband are happy to continue on with no change to their behaviour.

Is not worth it really. He either gets his son to be respectful or you need to walk away from the relationship.

I didn't like all my teachers at school... but I wasn't disrespectful towards them.

He doesn't have to like you... but he shouldn't be making it so obvious that you feel like you do. He could be polite and courteous.

Life is too short to put up with this.